[Jim Ramsey]

Bound in a Nutshell

A thought slips past
and clutters space

It’s lost out there
without a place

—no where to be
or not to be


[em dash added to L5]

[Alex Pepple]

Hello, Jim,

These are fascinating philosophical reflections to contemplate on! I see remarkable potential in this minimalistic meditation on existence. The core metaphysical questions you're exploring - about thought, space, and being itself - are compelling. To further develop these themes while maintaining your spare style, I'd suggest a revision that deepens both the philosophical resonance and rhythmic flow - feel free to take or leave as you see fit!

Existence

A thought slips past
through boundless space

seeks form when cast
but finds no place

there where to be
while not to be

This revision preserves your poem's essential exploration of existence while adding layers that engage with classical questions about the nature of thought and being. The movement through boundless space suggests infinite possibility, while the seeking of form echoes philosophical inquiries about how thoughts manifest in reality. The final couplet creates an intriguing temporal and spatial paradox while maintaining your thoughtful nod to Shakespeare.

Good luck with this fascinating exploration, Jim!

Cheers,
...Alex

[Jim Ramsey]

Hi Alex,

Thanks so much for many things, the least of which is your assistance on this poem, which is greatly appreciated too. Your efforts and genius in providing poets this one-in-the world kind of site are amazing. And now you are stepping in to exemplify to all members what real critiques should be, suggestive, inspiring, and provocative. From you, there’s none of the too typical “I like this. I don’t like this. This isn’t poetry. There, that’s 1,2,3 critiques, let me post my next thread.”

Now, onward to your comment. I am so glad that you perceived the concepts, or can of worms, I was trying to examine, or open. I cannot usually limit myself to a “less is more” voice, but I know I should try it more often, especially after getting encouragement like yours. Your suggestions offer a new window for me to see through. My original poem could be accused of being a little nihilistic. Your slight modifications offer a sense of order to the chaos my original worries about, ie. no place for consciousness to be or not to be once exiting the corporeal being. The question of what a thought is; to what extent can they exist; to what extent can they survive memory loss or death; can they exit the body in some way to exist on their own, and to what purpose, if no one has evolved the sensory capability to perceive them; do they have to be transcribed into a data code, into language, in order to be stored and retrieved; is a thought something akin to a soul to be imagined as existing independently of the neural Xs and Os of the flesh, and yada, yada, yada.

The only negative I can see about your commenting, is that others may be intimidated in offering differing takes than you give. I myself plan to honor the spirit of free thinking embodied in your site by going on speaking my mind as I see fit, and as I think you would wish me and others to do. I am glad to see you so actively participating and I hope your time constraints allow you to keep dropping in.


All the best,
Jim R.

[Julie Steiner]

Hi, Jim!

I like the simplicity that lets the reader ponder notions of reality, locality, and "no where" vs. nowhere (along with the question of what exact quantity and quality of items might constitute clutter).

Julie

[Rick Mullin]

Hi Jim,


I, too, like the spare treatment.

The second line could use some work. Does the thought clutter space? That would be a hell of a thought! Maybe something about the thought rushing into the all-too-cluttered void.

RM

[Nick McRae]

Hi Jim,

I wonder if this is a poem that would benefit from being untitled. I like the sparseness and ambiguity, but the title - Existence - tries to turn it into something that I don't see as a reader. And I wonder if it being untitled would actually expand the poem's meaning, letting a reader engage with it how they see fit.

In some of my poetry books I see this done, and I like the effect. It might work for this one.

Nick

[Alex Pepple]

Hello, Jim,

I deeply appreciate your generous words, and I’m truly glad my feedback helped open a new window for you to view your poem through.

Your exploration of the nature of thought and its existence beyond the corporeal is fascinating. While your original may have leaned toward a more nihilistic view, I see it less as a dismissal of meaning and more as an inquiry into the unknown—a space where poetry thrives.

As for your point about others possibly feeling intimidated to offer differing takes—let me say this outright: Eratosphere has always thrived on diverse perspectives, and I wouldn’t want that to change. So, I’m glad to see that quite a few others have also jumped in with helpful critiques! It’s always great to see different angles and interpretations come together to enrich a piece.

Again, good luck with realizing your vision for the poem—I’m sure you’ll get there sooner or later!

Cheers,
...Alex

[Susan McLean]

The title sounds a bit pompous, but also too on the nose. Perhaps something like "Void" or "Vacuum."

Susan

[Glenn Wright]

Hi, Jim—

I’m fascinated with the idea of space being cluttered by thought.
It suggests that consciousness is alien to existence. Infinite space (unlike the nutshell bound by the horizon of our awareness) was created to contain either nothingness or the pure essence of God. Our human consciousness is a pollution of that space. Cogito ergo sordidus sum.

Glenn

[Jim Ramsey]

Hi Julie,

Thanks for your thoughts. I tied them quickly to my finger with a string so that they could not slip away. You saw in this two things quickly that interested me too as I wrote this, one being whether unimaginable numbers of thoughts past and present could actually clutter an infinite void, and how I paired “there” and “where” in the poem as if they were place names. I actually did think of putting them in quotation marks at one point but quickly discarded the idea.

Hi Rick,

Thanks for the comments. Apparently my spare treatment is being received better than I anticipated. The bad news is that this may mean readers would prefer less of me rather than more of me. As to my use of “clutter,” as I more or less said to Julie, I like exploring the irony of an unquantifiable number of thoughts cluttering an unquantifiable stretch of space.

Hi Nick,

Your idea about no title is an interesting one. Of course I’ve seen that with Emily Dickinson’s poems, but I don’t recall others. I created the title “Existence” after first jotting down ‘Existentialism” as the title. I gave neither much thought. My first thought at present though is to mull over a title change rather than have no title at all, although that idea is an interesting one. Thanks.

Hi again, Alex,

It appears you have invigorated commentary rather than stifling it. I am still thinking about changes. I have to be careful in writing poetry for an audience. Positivity is always appreciated more than negativity. Your assurance that this piece is not too negative is appreciated.

Hi Susan,

The poem came quickly into existence and the title as well. I can see why the title could be considered pompous and too on-the-nose. On the other hand I could argue it needs a title that provides the reader guidance that the poem is striving to be more than it seems, that cues them that they are being asked to find philosophical depth (or pretension) as they choose to see it. Thanks for the suggestions. My first thought is that they are not quite what I want, but I’ll keep thinking about them.

Hi Glenn,

Thank you for your response and insights. As I think I’ve said, I am pleased and surprised by responses. As an additional aside, or thought as it were, years ago I submitted a set of short poems similar to this to a fairly well regarded lit mag. I received in return a personal note from the editor telling me that he liked them and that submission acceptance was a numbers game. I took that as an encouragement and almost as an apology for my work not being accepted. I think I had written all five poems in a space of thirty minutes. I only ever submitted them to one other mag, for which I received the standard kiss off. If I can find them, I’d like to take a look at them again. After all, I’ve only ever had two poems published.