[John Riley]

Revision

Fentanyl/Only The Young

The funerals drive past
through green to red street lights,
cars led by ghost police
on dying, shiny horses.

No one dare die in my life
who is over thirty.
The young, the needle done,
collapse like freshly clipped roses.

I want them back is what
no poet need ever think.
Those are the thoughts of fathers,
mothers holding dry hands.



***


Fentanyl/Only The Young

The funerals keep driving past
through green to red street lights,
cars led by ghost police
on dying, shiny horses.

No one dare die in my life
who is over thirty.
The young, the needle done,
collapse like freshly clipped roses.

I want them back is what
no poet need ever think.
Those are the thoughts of fathers,
mothers holding dry hands.

[Hilary Biehl]

Hi, John, this is sad and delicate and impactful. There are parts of it I would say I "love" - the ghost police and the roses, for instance - but it is so sad and disturbing that it wouldn't be accurate to say it that way.

Since it's in Metrical, I'll note that I am counting 4 stresses or feet in the first line and 3 stresses in the rest of them, except for "who is over thirty" - I'm counting two in that one; but that one doesn't bother me as much as the first line. I think the way it begins currently sets up the expectation of an alternating tetrameter-trimeter kind of deal.

If you can find a way to trim a foot from the first line, it would not only regularize the meter but would help to establish, right from the beginning, that spareness that this poem seems to demand. There is something about consistent trimeter that almost has a clipped or choked feeling, I think.

[Stephen Hampton]

I would suggest cold dry hands for ending, but I'm not a stickler for meter
We have lost a loved one to that man made poison; ashes beneath a rose bush in our garden.
best,
SWH

[John Riley]

Hilary, thanks for the help. If you come back by let me know what you think of the revision.

[R. Nemo Hill]

John, I think hearses would work better than funerals, since it is the vehicles that actually do the driving.
Metrically, you could return to your original construction then.

The hearses keep driving past.

Nemo

[Matt Q]

Hi John,

Your revision fixes the metre of L1.

I can see why Nemo would like to retain the "keep", since it shows the repetition, and "hearses" is more literally accurate. So if "hearses" works for you, I'd go with that. Then again, I quite like that the "funerals" drive past, I think it's a more interesting and possibly more symbolic (and somewhat surreal) image to if one imagines the whole funeral driving past. I love "ghost police" and think having funerals driving (past) fits with this well. If that's the image you want, then I guess you might go with "More funerals drive past", I guess, to strengthen the sense that this is a repeated event?

S2L2 I agree that Hilary that "who" is not clearly stressed, so the line is easily heard as "who is OVer THIRty". I guess you could repeat the previous line's "no one" and have something like: "No one dies in my life, no one over thirty".

Matt

[Hilary Biehl]

The revision does work better for me rhythmically. I personally like the less-literal quality of "the funerals drive past," as opposed to hearses.

[John Riley]

Thanks to each for the help. I think I'll keep it as it is for a while before revising more. I know S1L2 needs work. At this point, I want to keep "funerals." They are mythical funerals. Not accurate in details, but they do manifest a tragic truth.

As I say all the time, I'm in recovery. It is a bit like being in a mystery novel or war. Too often someone is dead. There is no mystery as to why they're dead specifically, there is nothing but mystery in understanding the cause.

Thanks again for all the help.