[Jim Ramsey]

Version 4

To Do or Not to Do

I need a push or shove, an elbow nudging me along,
a little love, a little help in judging right or wrong,

a sound philosophy to fortify an ailing wit,
a martyred saint to scream in ears [or??? a screaming coach to fill my ears] and tell me never quit,

perhaps an oracle’s decree or vision ala dream,
or shake of fairy dust or jolt of strong caffeine, a ream

of tracts, brochures and catalogs that’s providently lent,
perhaps the balms and salves and cures for SOSs sent,

or bolts from blue, a boot to butt (or two), a thought to chew,
...a bottled message floated...final notice overdue...

a curt and cursory command, polite requests of “please,”
some playful tease, some siren call, some music on the breeze

that lures me lemming-like to leap in seas as piper’s thrall
—all these—but wait! It’s clear free will must serve me best of all.

The snow won’t go away. It’s two feet thick and hard as brick.
I let it melt and freeze. Procrastinating makes me sick.

EDIT: S2L1 "an ancient philosophy overseeing failing wit," changed to "a sound philosophy to fortify an ailing wit,"
EDIT: S3L2 "a diet of caffeine," changed to "a jolt of strong caffeine,"
EDIT: S8L2 "Procrastination" changed to "Procrastinating"

Version 3 title, first line, and last line changed

To Do or Not to Do

While trusting Fate coordinates important dates with friends
and keeps this willing pilgrim moving right along with trends,

I find myself awaiting pokes and prodding by a pin
or other tools it implements to make this slug begin

—perhaps an oracle’s decree or vision via a dream,
or shake of fairy dust or diet of caffeine, a ream

of tracts, brochures and catalogs that’s providently lent,
perhaps the balms and salves and cures for SOS’s sent,

or bolts from blue, a boot to butt or two, or bit of glue,
...a bottled message floated...final notice overdue...

perhaps brusque direct commands, or polite requests of “please,”
some playful tease, some siren call, some music on the breeze

that lures me lemming-like to leap in seas as piper’s thrall
—all these—but I've decided free will serves me best of all.

[Version 2] newest edit S2L2 "this slug" changed to "resolve" newest changes: "fate" to "Fate" in S1L1, "resolve" changed back to "this slug" in S2L2, "via dream" changed to "via a dream" in S3L1, "or kicks to butt au shoe" changed to "a boot to butt or two" in S5L1, "found" changed to "find" in S2L1 remove "or" from S5L2

Making Good Choices

With hope that Fate coordinates important dates with friends
and keeps this willing pilgrim moving right along with trends,

I find myself awaiting pokes and prodding by a pin
or other tools it implements to make this slug begin—

perhaps an oracle’s decree or vision via a dream,
or shake of fairy dust or diet of caffeine, a ream

of tracts, brochures and catalogs that’s providently lent,
perhaps the balms and salves and cures for SOS’s sent,

or bolts from blue, a boot to butt or two, or bit of glue,
...a bottled message floated...final notice overdue...

perhaps brusque direct commands, or polite requests of “please,”
some playful tease, some siren call, some music on the breeze

that lures me lemming-like to leap in seas as piper’s thrall—
or gives at least one hint free will may serve me best of all.


[Version 1]Making Good Choices

With hope that fate coordinates important dates with friends
and keeps this willing pilgrim moving right along with trends,

I found myself waiting for it to prod me with a pin
or other tools it implements to move me toward an end—

perhaps an oracle’s decree or vision via dream,
or shake of fairy dust or diet of caffeine, a ream

of tracts, brochures and catalogs that’s providently lent,
perhaps the balms and salves and cures for helping hearts to mend,

or bolts from blue, or kicks to butt au shoe, or bit of glue,
a bottled message sent or final notice overdue,

perhaps brusque direct commands, or polite requests of “please,”
some playful tease, some siren call, some music on the breeze

that lures me lemming-like to leap in seas as piper’s thrall—
or gives at least one hint that free will serves me best of all.

[Jayne Osborn]

Hi Jim,

I like this premise. That's a lot of ways in which the N could be "egged on" to do the right thing. A quick Google of egged on gave these synonyms too:
agitate arouse drive encourage excite exhort goad incite instigate pique prick prod prompt propel rally spur stimulate stir up urge whip up.

But the expressions you've used serve this contemplative poem well. The nits I have are the pairings of pin/end and lent/mend. I think it wouldn't be too difficult to find perfect rhymes, as you've done with the other couplets.

I also find the metre slightly off in places, which again is an easy fix, I'm sure, but that's what workshopping a poem is all about. I like Stephen King's adage of "Get it written, then get it right."

I have one or two suggestions that might help, but I'll have to come back later as I'm up to my ears with something else right now.

Jayne

[N. Matheson]

I feel there was a hitch in,

I found myself waiting for it to prod me with a pin

Maybe something like,

I found myself awaiting to be prodded with a pin

[Max Goodman]

FWIW, this is too abstract to engage me.

The meter puts the stress on the first syllable of "free will," which made me read the last twice before I could understand it.

[Jim Ramsey]

Hi Jayne,

Thanks for commenting. I've changed the poem to all "perfect" rhymes,
if I do say so myself.

Hi N.,

Thanks for giving this a read. I don't know why I was reading "myself" with the accent on "my." I hope I fixed the meter in that line.

Hi, Max,

A vote against. Noted. I'm not big on some modern conventions such as strict adherence to imagery over abstractions, and I'll admit this piece seeks to speak to the brain more than the heart. I myself find both of these goals as worthy of poetry. There, I've managed to get "myself" into all three of these responses, which is my way of breaking the habit. Oh, and FWIW, I've read the last line wrong the same way, and I wrote the poem. I've been brainstorming ways to fix it, but the idea of "free will" and the phrase "free will" are hard to word another way??? Maybe I can argue that I am exercising free will to break convention???

[Richard G]

.
Hi Jim.
enjoyed the liberal rhyming - dream/caffeine/ream in particular (but au shoe? Are you sure?)

I would question whether anything in the poem guarantee a 'good choice' though.

Would it be fair to N to say that 'with hope' could be replaced by 'I trust' and their complaint would still hold? Which leads to ... do you need that couplet? Alternatively,

I find myself awaiting pokes and prodding by a pin
or other tools it implements to make resolve begin—

trusting fate coordinates important dates with friends
and keeps this willing pilgrim moving right along with trends,

...


Should 'found' be 'find' (it sounds like the situation still prevails.)

I don't understand bit of glue (and can a command be anything other than direct?)


Not sure how resolve can begin. I think you were nearer with slug.
L4.....or other pricking implements to goad me to begin ?

L6.....a shake of fairy dust, or even just caffeine, a ream ?

Confused by the the lemmings also being Hamelin's rats (or children)
L13....that lures me to the very edge, and then to leap or stall ?

I don't think you've cracked the ending yet (and not sure why free-will matters here. Presumably N is freely, possibly wilfully, prevaricating?)


RG.

.

[Jayne Osborn]

Hi Jim,
Back with a few thoughts:
It's OK to modestly refer to "perfect rhymes"; that's the proper term.
Perfect rhymes have the same vowels and ending consonants (e.g. “lean” and “mean”).

In L5 I think you could elide an indefinite article into the line, as in
perhaps an oracle’s decree or vision via a dream,
The elision would merge the words and sound like "vire-a-dream", without ruining the metre.

And L6 needs another "or" before ream, to my ear, as again, I tend to elide "diet" into one syllable. (It's one of those words like "fire", which can be spoken as either one or two syllables.)
A "diet of caffeine" sounded a bit excessive, to me. How about:

or shake of fairy dust or shot of caffeine, or a ream

Like Richard, I don’t like "butt au shoe", so a suggestion for the next couplet would be:

or bolts from blue, or kicks to butt from shoe, or bit of glue,
a bottled message floated, final notice overdue, (comma after "final" and without the "or", to lose the extra syllable.)

Regarding the last line, "gives at least one hint" is a bit wishy-washy, so a more punchy, positive ending would be better, I feel, with the N resolving his own contemplation. Perhaps along the lines of:

—All these—but on reflection free will serves me best of all.
or
—All these—but I've decided free will serves me best of all.

I hope some of this helps.

Jayne

[Jim Ramsey]

nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

Originally Posted by Richard G

.

Hi Richard,

Thanks for the many suggestions. I will ponder all of them carefully. This piece has not wowed anyone so far, so it may be darling-ed to a drawer. Yes, I still print hard copies in case of tech catastrophes. I've explained some of the poems intentions below. Of course the need for such explanations indicates failures in the poem.

All the best,
Jim
enjoyed the liberal rhyming - dream/caffeine/ream in particular (but au shoe? Are you sure?) No, I'm not and never have been sure. It's cutesy, initially appealing to me because my N is trying to address his quandary light heartedly, but now getting second thoughts.

I would question whether anything in the poem guarantee a 'good choice' though. My first title was "Make Good Choices," the standard mantra moms/mums in movies are giving kids recently as they send them off somewhere. My N is suffering a little angst over his lack of willpower to get his life going. He is mulling over the ways Fate can help him. In the end, he wants Fate to bend a little and allow him free will as a choice. I do think the title is weak, though, especially since Hollywood moms/mums are not in this movie.

Would it be fair to N to say that 'with hope' could be replaced by 'I trust' and their complaint would still hold? Which leads to ... do you need that couplet? Alternatively,

I find myself awaiting pokes and prodding by a pin
or other tools it implements to make resolve begin—

[complete agreement on tense, will think about need for couplet. I usually wait on major changes until all crits are in.]

trusting fate coordinates important dates with friends
and keeps this willing pilgrim moving right along with trends,

...[will ponder more]


Should 'found' be 'find' (it sounds like the situation still prevails.)
[did I already answer this?]
I don't understand bit of glue (and can a command be anything other than direct?) Breaking rules, breaking laws, breaking convention, breaking free from routine, breaking from the group, are all ways of getting by sometimes, and maybe glue will help to fix the bridges burned or fences needing mending??? Oh, aren't meaningless words useful sometimes when we need to make an impromptu explanation....

Not sure how resolve can begin. I think you were nearer with slug. Well, I did check the dictionary first to be sure resolve truly has a noun form. In imagining a similarly unfamiliar word usage, I come up with "I would truly like to be rich, but don't know how wealth begins." Resolve is not a pleasing word to use in this poem, though, so yes, I would like to find a replacement.
L4.....or other pricking implements to goad me to begin ?

L6.....a shake of fairy dust, or even just caffeine, a ream ? I want to say that Fate is not always a dependable guide through life, that it can habituate us to false supports and motivation if we don't make choices, but I want my N to say it glibly with uncertainty, so I use hyperbole and say "diet of caffeine." I see zombies staying awake on Red Bull and coffee. When I had an emergency response job and fluctuating hours, I survived on it. The whole poem is meant to question age old ideas of pre-determinism and free will. Who habituates us, Fate, life's circumstances, or ourselves?

Confused by the the lemmings also being Hamelin's rats (or children)
L13....that lures me to the very edge, and then to leap or stall ? I see this line as the N asking himself if he will go down in flames following the herd or do something about it. Of course, authors always see the entire world clearly in their own lines

I don't think you've cracked the ending yet (and not sure why free-will matters here. Presumably N is freely, possibly wilfully, prevaricating?)
This is meant to be light verse with some depth to it. I want it to be funny and somewhat goofy, but maybe I can do it better. Yes, the N is seeing the irony in asking Fate to allow choices, but still is asking it to fudge the rules a bit

RG.

.

[Jim Ramsey]

Hi Jayne,

Thanks for the attention you've given this coming back. You've educated me too. I no longer think all indefinite articles can be treated the same. My greatest thanks is in you helping to explain for other readers my jest in claiming "perfect rhyme." I have some history here on the sphere with that phrase. On the other hand, you took away the pleasure I take sometimes in intentionally being misunderstood. I like some of your ideas, and will think about others—for instance I do intend my N to be wishy washy, philosophically mulling alternatives to action, while asking Fate to bend the rules and allow a little self-determinism; however, I want my poems to please readers more than they please me, so maybe the wishy-washy needs to go. Positivism always sells better than negativism, especially in light verse. Richard didn't think the ending had been cracked yet. I think that's how he put it. I don't know that idiom, but I assume it means that an egg needs to be cracked open before the hatchling can emerge, and that my ending remains in an embryonic stage, or that a nut needs to be cracked to find the meat or the new oak, or that I need more drugs...well, I get the gist. I've added some other responses below.

All the best,
Jim

Originally Posted by Jayne Osborn

Hi Jim,
Back with a few thoughts:
It's OK to modestly refer to "perfect rhymes"; that's the proper term.
Perfect rhymes have the same vowels and ending consonants (e.g. “lean” and “mean”). See above

In L5 I think you could elide an indefinite article into the line, as in
perhaps an oracle’s decree or vision via a dream,
The elision would merge the words and sound like "vire-a-dream", without ruining the metre.
see above
And L6 needs another "or" before ream, to my ear, as again, I tend to elide "diet" into one syllable. (It's one of those words like "fire", which can be spoken as either one or two syllables.) see above
A "diet of caffeine" sounded a bit excessive, to me. How about:
I plan to take your advice on the elisions. I see what you are saying about diet as having a single sound and agree with reading it that way. I did intend diet of caffeine as hyperbole though. To my way of thinking, Fate does not always make the right decisions, and offers us a few bad ones.
or shake of fairy dust or shot of caffeine, or a ream

Like Richard, I don’t like "butt au shoe", so a suggestion for the next couplet would be: As I said to Richard, I thought cutesy here was appropriate. I was thinking of the way people pick up affectations like using words from French when they want something gauche sounding to have a false sophistication. But if it reads detestably, I'll change it. Actually "from shoe" was my original wording.

or bolts from blue, or kicks to butt from shoe, or bit of glue,
a bottled message floated, final notice overdue, (comma after "final" and without the "or", to lose the extra syllable.)
I overlooked this suggestion until now and will revisit the poem in a while to be sure I know what you are suggesting. I do remember running these phrases together without a conjunction due to meter concerns
Regarding the last line, "gives at least one hint" is a bit wishy-washy, so a more punchy, positive ending would be better, I feel, with the N resolving his own contemplation. Perhaps along the lines of:

—All these—but on reflection free will serves me best of all.
or
—All these—but I've decided free will serves me best of all.

This poem is not striking the chord I intended with readers. I have written it as a single sentence with the pronoun "it" referencing Fate throughout. I wonder if personifying Fate and using "who" as a reference would help in any way.

I hope some of this helps.

Jayne

[Richard G]

Hi Jim

Yes, I still print hard copies in case of tech catastrophes.
No judgement from me. I have my two back up drives (though not the discipline to use them regularly. Though now you've reminded me. Back in a sec.)

He is mulling over the ways Fate can help him.
Is he? Reading your explanations (thanks for them, by the way) I thought that N was actually addressing Fate. The lower case fate in L1 confuses, should it be 'you'?

The whole poem is meant to question age old ideas of pre-deterimism and free will. Who habituates us, Fate, life's circumstances, or ourselves?
Perhaps some clear hint is needed at the beginning? Or even, simply, 'The Age Old Question' as a title?

RG