[Barbara Baig]

Oh, no, not another ballad! Yep. This one has long been popular, in its many versions. Here's one featuring seven gypsies:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S2y8csA3B2g

This is not in ballad meter, intentionally.

Gypsy Davy (updated)

S1
I knew it was never going to work
With that first cold tentative kiss:
No spark, no hunger, no passion, nothing—
I already knew what I would miss
S2
After the wedding. But he was rich,
And I’d had my share of easy men;
I wanted the things money could buy;
I figured I could just pretend

S3
To be the wife he thought I was,
With a mask of love like a pretty new dress.
I was very good at that secret game:
Seven years, and he never once guessed…

S4
Until one day, down at the dock,
Lean, tattooed, a man stood in the sun;
He turned my way—our gazes locked—
No question at all that he was the one

S5
I’d always wanted, waited for,
Never thought would really appear:
His boat in the water, he handed me in,
And slowly we sailed away from the pier—

S6
Not far—to an island out in the Bay;
A rough-made camp, a tarp for a bed,
Some food, and the moon rising above;
“I’m known as Gypsy Davy,” he said.

S7
I didn’t need to tell my name;
My bracelets made a silver sound
As I wrapped him close in my wanting arms,
And pulled us both down to the ground.

S8
Later I heard my husband was frantic,
Sent the servants to search all over town;
In the moonlight we saw his yacht come near,
Saw him step out on the island ground.

S9
“Last night,” he said, and his eyes were hard,
“You slept ‘neath the finest silk and down;
In a satin negligee trimmed with gold—
Now you sleep on the cold, cold ground,

S10
“In the arms of this worthless wandering man!
My costly gifts you’ve never spurned,
And I’ve given you all a woman could want.
I’ll give even more—when you return.”

S11
“What do I care for your costly gifts?
For your house and your lands and your fancy ways?
I’d rather lie on the cold, cold ground
In the arms of my Gypsy Davy.

S12
“And what do I care for your bed of silk
For your house in the richest part of town?
I’d rather lie with my own true love
With the silver of moonlight wrapping us round.

“Yes, I’d rather lie with my own true love,
With the silver of moonlight wrapping us round.”

[Glenn Wright]

Hi, Barbara—

You do a nice job of capturing the romantic spirit of the story and the passionate wildness of the narrator/heroine. My only criticism is that the meter seems a bit wobbly.

Normally in ballad stanzas odd numbered lines are tetrameter and even numbered lines are rhyming trimeter. Imperfect rhymes like men/pretend and dress/guessed are not a problem. They contribute to the rustic flavor. But the rhythm needs to be precise enough to dance to.

These are some suggestions to tighten up the trimeter lines:
In S1L4 you can make the line trimeter just by contracting “I would” to “I’d.”
In S2L2 I’m not sure what “easy men” means, but you need to lose a foot. How about something like: “I’d had plenty of ne’er-do-well men?”
In S3L2 Maybe: “I wore love like a pretty new dress.”
In S4L4 Can you omit “at all?”
In S5L4 can you omit “away?”
In S6L2 how about “A rough camp with a tarp for a bed?”
In S6L4, “‘My name’s Gypsy Davy,’ he said”
In S8L2, “Sent searchers all over the town?”
In S9L2, “You slept on silk and down?”
In S10L2 omit “costly”
In S10L4 omit “even”
In S11L2 how about “For your wealth and your fancy ways?”
In S12L2 how about “In the richest part of town?”
In S13L4 and S14L2 how about “Silver moonlight wrapping us ‘round?”

Hope you find these suggestions helpful.
Glenn

[Marshall Begel]

This was a fun read! Thanks for sharing it (and the musical version— I love to elbow pipes).
You call it updated, but you wrote it to be pretty timeless - no text messages or GPS trackers. That's fine, but (if you can) at least try to modernize "Gypsy", which has fallen from favor. Maybe the legend is too deep.

Anyway, I have a few suggestions on rhyme and meter that would smooth it out for me:
you've got an accidental rhyme of dock and locked.
appear and pier are an identity
"the moon rising above" only works for me when I stress "rising" wrong
I get too many beats in "Sent the servants to search all over town;"
I couldn't get 4 beats from "In the arms of my Gypsy Davy."

[Barbara Baig]

Hi Glenn,
Thank you for doing all this work to correct the meter. I suspect you enjoy this process; otherwise I'd feel even more guilty than I already do about not including in my introductory note that this is a ballad, but it's not in ballad meter. The four beats per line (except in one instance) are intentional. I do apologize for wasting your time!

[Richard G]

Hi Barbara.

The main difficulty I have with this is the character of her. She doesn't seem that interesting. A rather vacuous 'gold-digger' suddenly turn true romantic. What's there to care about?
S4/5 - he was the one/ I'd always wanted, waited for
contrasts with
S2 After the wedding / ... share of easy men.
I didn't get the sense that she was looking for Mr. Right, or waiting. Or even regret that she hadn't waited.

S1 - who is 'tentative'?
Just a thought.
I knew it was never going to work
With that first reptilian kiss:

S4 - the 'dock' comes as a surprise (as does the island. No sense that this has a coastal setting.) Perhaps you could cut "I figured" in S2 and replace it with "A beach-front condo. I could pretend"

S4 - difficult to ignore "our gazes locked"

S5 - What about his was what she wanted? Just what has she been waiting for? I don't really understand her motivation (it doesn't seem to be purely physical here.)
(I read dock and pier as different structures. Could be a Brit thing.)

S6 - I can see a tarp for a roof, but a bed?

S7 - "frantic" - that was interesting. Suggested there might be more to the husband that is traditionally told.

S7 - "I didn't need to tell my name" - seems a tad problematical in an updated version. And when did she start wearing bracelets? (Chains of marriage?)

S8 - So they live in a town?
Maybe
In the moonlight we watched his yacht draw near,
saw him step out on the island ground.
(but "island ground" is too clearly rhyme driven.)

S9 - the impression I get is the husband is alone. Surely not. Where are the servants?

S11-13 - I just don't believe her.


RG.

[Barbara Baig]

Thanks, Marshall. I'm glad you enjoyed it; that's really all I hope for from readers.

Yes, I know the Rom dislike being called gypsies (understandably), but the title's an important link to the original ballad.

I appreciate your rhyme/meter suggestions. The three-beat line was intentional.

"Some food, and the moon rising above"--no stress on "some." Was that the problem?

"Sent the servants to search all over town." I don't stress the first two words.

Thanks!

[Barbara Baig]

Hi Richard,
Thanks for taking the time for suggestions.

A tarp on the ground protects people from the damp.

Since you don't find the character appealing, why not throw her to the Barghest?

[Richard G]

Hi Barbara.

A tarp on the ground protects people from the damp.
Quite, I suppose I was just distracted by him having a boat of some kind (implying, along with his name, a rather nomadic life) but hasn't come up with something better to sleep on than a tarp.

Since you don't find the character appealing, why not throw her to the Barghest?
A mash-up or cross-over? i hear some of those don't end well.
Don't you think she appears very slight, as a character? As you're updating couldn't you put some meat on her bones?

RG.

[Matt Q]

Hi Barbara,

My favourite version of this song is the Raggle Taggle Gypsies. I'm sucker for an appended 'O', I guess

This is less songlike than your last. The loose metre and the fact the stanzas aren't always self-contained are contributing to this. But fair enough if that's what you want.

I like the idea here, and the opening does seems to give us a modern woman. Though I think your desire to update the song goes awry later in the poem when you lapse into Olde-style English. For example, lines like:

“You slept ‘neath the finest silk and down"

"My costly gifts you’ve never spurned"

don't make me think 21st century, but more that we're back in the time of the original song.

I'd also say there's scope for finding more modern details. Maybe Davy lives in a converted ambulance, say. Maybe "costly gifts" could be "credit cards", for example. Maybe "worthless wandering man" could be something like "thieving hippy trash", and so on. I'm not saying these are necessarily good examples, more that you have scope to do this, and I think the poem would be better if you did. I think the more you lean into the modern, the more the poem is doing something different from simply retelling the song.

I wondered a bit about the boat. If he has a boat, why do they sleep on the ground on not on the boat? Maybe he just has a small dinghy, but if he's not living in it, a travelling man would struggle to move that around with him, unless his travels were all coastal. Maybe the boat could be stolen?

The word "ground" appears at lot in the poem, which suggests it's significant. "Cold, cold ground" had me thinking of death. Which made me make me wonder if you might say something like, "I'd rather lie in the cold, cold ground, than walk away from my Gypsy Davy", which might give you more pay-off for the repetitions. (Incidentally, do you know the song Matty Groves? It has a related theme, and the line "I'd rather a kiss from dead Matty's lips / Than you or your finery".)

BTW, I only hear three beats here: "in the ARMS of my GYPsy DAVy"

best,

Matt

[Barbara Baig]

Matt,
Thanks for all your great suggestions! You're so right about the mixed diction; I definitely must fix that.

You asked, " If he has a boat, why do they sleep on the ground on not on the boat?" We're obviously not picturing the same kind of boat here: in my mind, it's a small one (must make that clearer), with not enough room for two people to …ah, shall we say, not sleep?

The three-beat line is intentional.

Yes, I do know the "Matty Groves" song. Perhaps I should re-visit it to see if it has any ideas for this poem.
B