[Christine P'legion]

Rev. 1

AND THEN
When she tired of being human, she made her bed and left the front door unlocked, finding it surprisingly easy to choose another way—first sliding onto the river, then under it. As her body lengthened she felt the pull of her head and feet stretching toward the sky; her belly swelled and hardened. Back went her arms like wings, like gunwales, up went her face as a figurehead, reflecting bliss, bliss—up she came out of the river a hard sleek thing, buoyant, glass-bottomed, with her belly full of beauty and face squaring east to meet the sun.



Orig.

AND THEN

When she tired of being human, she found it was the easiest thing in the world to choose another way—to first slide into the river, then under it. As her body lengthened she felt the pull of her head and feet stretching toward the sky; her belly swelled and hardened. Back went her arms like wings, like gunwales, up went her face as a figurehead, reflecting bliss, bliss—down she went into the river and out she came, a hard sleek thing, a glass-bottomed boat, with her belly full of beauty and her face squaring east to meet the dawn.

[W T Clark]

This has the power to enthrall, but do you have to tell us what she becomes? Let the imagination work on hints: it has the power to obsess itself and create its own solutions that will always be deeper than the explicit: the supplied. All you would need is to get rid of your "boat". That "sleek thing" does all the work.

Hope this helps.

[R. Nemo Hill]

You can even keep glass-bottomed, just lose the "a...boat".

Nemo

[Glenn Wright]

Hi, Christine—

Vividly imagined transformation! I especially like “down she went into the river and out she came.” It suggests both birth and baptism..

[Nick McRae]

Originally Posted by R. Nemo Hill

You can even keep glass-bottomed, just lose the "a...boat".

Nemo

I agree with W.T. and Nemo, and I could also take or leave thing.

...—down she went into the river and out she came, hard and sleek, glass-bottomed, with a belly full of beauty and face squaring east to meet the dawn.

[Phil Wood]

Especially like the belly elements. May I suggest 'vessel' rather than 'boat' to thread to purpose.

[John Riley]

I like the idea here. A desired metamorphosis is understandable to many people. “Back went her arms like wings, like gunwales” is vivid and strange.

It still could use a little edit, imo. The “easiest thing in the world,” could be fresher. I think we’ve all heard that expression many times. It’s also a good place to say something a little more telling about why it’s easy, why she’s doing it.

Also she “slides into the river, then under it.” If she “slide onto the river, then under it” we’d better catch a glance of her. Also you have her go “down into the river” again.

As I said, I like it. There are a couple of things I’d look at if I’d written it and hope the suggestions help.

[James Brancheau]

Do you need east? I might find the close more effective without it. Yeah, I like this a lot. Cameron said it well—the power to enthrall, indeed. With the belly so focused on, the water, transformation, etc., I can’t help but think of birth and/or rebirth as well. And I agree that you should drop boat—the beautiful gunwales part should make that clear anyway, along with other images. I wonder if this is playing at all on the tradition of referring to boats as female ?? Anyway, I think this strong work, Christine. Much enjoyed.

[Christine P'legion]

I posted this and then went out of town pretty much immediately, so it's lovely to log back in and find such warm and helpful comments. Hello, all, it's nice to be back!

I'll likely put up a new draft in the next day or two.

[Christine P'legion]

New version up. I've given a little more detail about the initial leaving/choosing, and played with some of the bits at the end -- changing "sun" for "dawn," for one, since "east" implies sunrise anyway. I've eliminated the boat language but did add some buoyancy, which I hope works in the sense of joy as well as floating. Thoughts on this?