[Alexandra Baez]

Full Sturgeon Moon


It tightens like a screw
and twists the night.
I bulge, I leak—in moments I will spew
the best and worst of all my wild-hair ways.

This swollen moon outpours; its light-shafts strew
an urgent strangeness through the chasmic sky.
My inner rhythms slip askew
as through the windows, sunlike moonlight stirs
a silver see-or-stumble-by-it stew.

It gulps the searing Perseids and swallows.
Cartwheeling nebulae! A loon dog howls.

I scour myself for visions, find a slew
by two a.m., stack up the witch-kid lot
on tabletops. Here’s trouble, there’s a clue:

the black has birthed a cool, pervasive light—
and now the hem of wrong looks halfway right.


Supermoon, August 11, 2022




Revisions:
epigraph removed
title was "Moonsqueeze," then "Full Sturgeon Supermoon 2022"
S1L2--was "on me tonight," then "too high to fight;" then "and" was "that"
S2L2--"chasmic" was "trackless"
S2L3--was trying provisional trochaic adverbs before "askew" for rhythm
S2L3--was "Normal inner rhythms slip askew"
S3--lines were in reverse
S3L1--"loon" was "mad"
S3L2--was "abroad. The searing Perseids get swallowed," then "the searing light of Perseids gets swallowed"
S4L3--"changeling" was "witch-kid," then the reverse
S4 L3--colon was semicolon
endnote removed


Original

Moonsqueeze
August Supermoon, 2022

As above, so below.
—The Emerald Tablet (paraphrase)


It tightens like a screw
on me tonight.
I bulge, I leak—in moments I will spew
the best and worst of all my wild-hair ways.

This swollen moon outpours; its light-shafts strew
an urgent strangeness through the trackless sky.
Normal inner rhythms slip askew
as through the windows, sunlike moonlight stirs
a silver see-or-stumble-by-it stew.

Cartwheeling nebulae! A mad dog howls
abroad. The searing Perseids get swallowed.

I scour myself for visions, find a slew
by two a.m., stack up the witch-kid lot
on tabletops. Here’s trouble, there’s a clue;

the black has birthed a cool, pervasive light—
and now the hem of wrong looks halfway right.





An astrologer noted about this full moon: “[T]he sun in regal Leo and the moon in eccentric Aquarius are locked in a tense T-square aspect with wild child planet Uranus . . . [whose] chaos-loving influence tends to bring about unpredictability and sudden shifts . . . This planetary alignment also activates the North and South Nodes of Destiny, forming what’s known as a grand cross in astrology . . . [which] makes the events of this full moon feel even more fated and important for your future. If you . . . march to the beat of your own drums now, you may find yourself heading in a totally different and more aligned direction than you could have imagined before.” (Nina Kah, “The Spiritual Meaning Of The August 2022 Full Sturgeon Moon,” Bustle, August 4, 2022, https://www.bustle.com/life/spiritua...-sturgeon-moon.)

[Carl Copeland]

I like this an awful lot, Alexandra, especially S1 and the last line—and even things I might’ve thought I wouldn’t like: the broken line, the sporadic rhyme, the sonnet+ form. Here are a few half-hearted attempts at criticism:

The title-subtitle-epigraph apparatus seems a bit top-heavy. The epigraph effectively foreshadows the occult elements of the poem, but can’t we at least do without “paraphrase”? I like “Moonsqueeze,” and it ties in with the first line, but I almost wish you’d replace both title and subtitle with “Full Sturgeon Moon.”

“Trackless” seemed a little cliché to me, though I don’t suppose it’s been used as much with “sky” as with “wilderness” and “sea.” In fact, the sky is full of star tracks, though perhaps not on a bright night like this one, and that may be the point.

“A mad dog” struck me as a bit over the top, but I’m not sure why I want a realistic dog between cartwheeling nebulae and swallowed Perseids.

I puzzled over “the witch-kid lot,” but on second thought, I suppose it’s the visions you’re stacking up on tabletops.

I’m not sure where the “hem” comes from, but I love that line. Don’t touch it!

This poem is what a full moon should feel like!

[Siham Karami]

Hi Alexandra,

Much to love in this poem, it has both an incantatory feel and something asymmetric from beginning to end, perfect for its subject. I can’t find a thing I’d change. It was for me a delight. The subtle slant rhymes work well. Such as “trackless” coming after “light-shafts” and the “witch-kid lot/ on tabletops.” This kind of thing can only come from a well-tuned ear, which I sense in the whole poem. It seems you revised something since the comment above, clearly for the better. I wasn’t sure about “slew” although “2 a.m.” made it work better; it was just less unexpected a word than others, and I couldn’t think of something better. I’m presuming you wouldn’t include the explanatory bit at the bottom if you publish this, although I enjoyed reading it too, but the poem itself doesn’t need it. Much enjoyed!

Best,
Siham

[Matt Q]

Hi Alexandra,

I really like the energy of this, along with the language and sounds. Among other things, I love the graphic "I bulge, I leak—in moments I will spew" and the "hem of wrong".

I don't know that you need the epigraph. Of course, as poetry forum critic, I'm contractually obliged to say this. But still, I think maybe it gives a little too much away. Let's us know what we're in for: that that moon is going to affect what's below, rather than finding that out in the course of the poem.

It tightens like a screw
on me tonight.

"on me tonight", as a line on its own feels somewhat weak, especially given the language/energy of the rest of the poem. Also, not that necessary. Do you need "on me"? Lose it, and from "I bulge, I leak", I'll know what it tightens on. And "tonight", well we know it's happening now because it's present tense. And night is already clear from the title, and will be made clearer from follows. Anyway, to be clear, I'm not objecting to the breaking in two of the pentameter line, which I like, just that those last two feet might be improved.

an urgent strangeness through the trackless sky.

"trackless sky" is something of a poetry cliché. And I don't see "trackless" particularly playing off anything else in terms of its sense. Maybe I'm missing something. If not, I reckon you could do better.

Normal inner rhythms slip askew

"Normal" seems a little clunky here anyway -- or maybe a bit bland? And kind of unnecessary. If the rhythms slip askew, they're no longer normal, I'd say, "Inner rhythms slip askew" would cover what this line says. So maybe there's another modifier, or an alternative to doubly-modifying "inner" -- "inner rhythms [verb] and slip astray" ? Or, more radically, you could just cut "normal"? Slipping down to tet is, well, a disruption of the normal rhythm, and you'd get score double points for cleverness

Cartwheeling nebulae! A mad dog howls

I know you're fond of exclamations, but to me this one seemed a little odd here by itself. To me, it doesn't seem to fit the phrase-level rhythm and structure of the rest of the language. Again, might just be me.

abroad. The searing Perseids get swallowed.

OK, I'm a little unfond of "get", not sure I can say why -- maybe because it's a very generic verb, or maybe it's the passive construction among so much activity. Still, get swallowed by what? The dog? The nebulae? The moon? It's hard to form an image without knowing this part. Since the end-word isn't a rhyme-word, maybe there's a different verb? (maybe one that doesn't need "get").

on tabletops. Here’s trouble, there’s a clue;

the black has birthed a cool, pervasive light—
and now the hem of wrong looks halfway right.

I don't really understand the semicolon. What's it's syntactic function here? A colon I could understand: that what follows is the trouble and the clue. Or a full stop. Or a comma.

best,

Matt

[John Riley]

I like this and also think Matt has pointed out some things to consider. I like the wild here, the push. The way you use syntax. Congratulations

[Cally Conan-Davies]

I love this, too, Alexandra! Vivid and memorable!

I think it works beautifully -- perhaps even better -- without any of the information. You might consider going with the title alone: 'Moonsqueeze'. So strange and familiar at the same time! It sounds like what it is!

Cally

[Matt Q]

"Full Sturgeon Moon" would make a great title, I think. The strangeness of mixing sturgeon and moons would fit the poem very well.

[Mark McDonnell]

I agree with Matt regarding the title. And I think this is a gorgeous poem.

I'll try to come back

Mark

[Joe Crocker]

Hi Alexandra

This feels like a bold step out into a much more sensuous and intuitive poetical landscape than I have heard from you before. It’s quite something. The last line is a stunner.

I was initially put off by the astrological mumbo jumbo at the end. (Sorry, but I am a scientist) Matt’s comments drew me back. He and Carl and Siham make some sharp observations.

Moonsqueeze is a lovely name for it. You have found a well of quicksilver to draw on here.

Joe

[Jim Moonan]

.
Everyone (including me) seems to see/feel the same energy that emanates from the totality of the poem. It floods over me as I read it. It's like you caught a wave and locked into it, riding it for everything it had. (I know that's an obscure analogy, but when I was living my summers on the Jersey shore we would keep close track of the tides and wind and surf. There was a nearly indescribable feeling one gets when you catch a monster wave just right and experience what it does to you — this poem gave me that feeling but in a celestial sense).

The screw/spew/strew/askew/stew/slew/clue rhymes act like a shoelace tightening the fit to be snug just right on the foot.

There is a hauntingness woven throughout.

I found the first stanza to be strangely erotic. It then ventures into a kind of witnessing of the moon's effects as it takes hold on everything, even the darkness.

Astrology has never done much for me. I have my own makeshift "astrology" that I apply to celestial things. This poem does all the things I feel when I suddenly find myself caught up in the cosmos and find myself unable to speak.

I, too, question the semicolon. It feels like a colon.

.