[Matt Q]

Evensong

Religion isn’t something that I do,
But if I could sing, I’d sing a hymn for you.
I’d kneel. I’d kneel before your agate altar.
I’d sing it long and loud. I’d never falter.

I’d weave a silver rosary of dew,
Each prayer I’d say, I’d say it just for you.
I’d offer up a flock of snow-white birds,
My voice would fly up with each sacred word.

And I would cross this endless desert, too,
If I could glimpse the holy land of you.
I wander blind and blistered and alone.
I gnash my teeth, I howl and wail and moan.

This wasn’t, no, this wasn’t what we planned,
When once I held you in the psalm of my hand.

-----------------------------------------------------

S2L2 was:
To stumble on the holy land of you.

[R. Nemo Hill]

Wow.
And that last pun manages to be both clever and movingly poetic at the same time, that's a feat.

I keep hearing we'd rather than we in the penultimate line.
This wasn’t, no, this wasn’t what we'd planned,

Aces, Matt, aces,
Nemo

[Carl Copeland]

I like this a lot, Matt, and I’m going to carp about one of the best things in it: the final line. It’s so clever and memorable and metrically prominent (the anapestic last foot) that I come away feeling the whole poem was a setup for the pun. And that’s not fair to the quatrains, which are lovely in themselves. I wish there was some way of toning it down without losing it. Oh, and if I had my druthers, I’d change “each sacred word” to “the sacred words”—not quite as fluent, I grant you, but worth it, imo, to perfect the lone slant rhyme.

[Yves S L]

Hello Matt,

I use the word "convention" instead of "cliche" as I define "cliche" as a "convention" (commonly repeating pattern) a person does not personally like. This 14-liner is an effective use of the conventions of love songs and love poetry; for example compare "and I would cross this endless desert too" with

[1] "you know that I would walk a thousand miles, if I could just see you tonight": https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cwkej79U3ek
[2] "and I would walk 500 miles, and I would walk 500 more":https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tbNlMtqrYS0

However, I think this poem needs another surprise somewhere other than the final line. Perhaps there is an improvement on the progression that leads to the "wail and moan" line.

Poems are just pop songs for bookish people, especially sonnets.

Yeah.

[Yves S L]

For some reason, this verse keeps reminding me of Carolyn Ann Duffy.

[Joe Crocker]

I wish I liked this more than I do Matt. The images and similes all seem rather stale with long poetic use, the rhymes awkward. Why an “agate” altar? Is that something altars are typically made of? In what way does agate describe the object of your veneration?

S3L4 brings to mind the rev Ian Paisley whipping up the righteous anger of Ulstermen “There will be a great wailing and gnashing of teeth”.

And, if we take the poem as sincerely meant, then the final pun of palm and psalm feels a little cheap.

Sorry

Joe

[Paula Fernandez]

Hi Matt--

This is very well constructed and definitely "works" in that it has a satisfying scan, perfect rhymes throughout and a fun "ah ha" in the final line. My favorite image is the silver rosary of dew.

I have a problem with the 11th and 12th lines: "I wander blind and blistered and alone. / I gnash my teeth, I howl and wail and moan." I'm not sure why you would switch her to present tense when the whole poem has been conditional tense up to this point. I found it quite jarring. I think it should stay conditional throughout. Also these two lines lack the visual element that gives the earlier stanzas vibrancy. I think they need reworking.

The ending couplet confused me somewhat. I'm not sure what to make of "this wasn't what we planned". The poem all along makes me feel that the speaker is addressing the beloved and professing love so deep it borders on idolatry (she's his religion) and that she remains distant from him. But then we get a sense here that once they were a couple and that this (his idolatrous love??) is not what they planned? I'm afraid I can't follow the sense of that. So, while I thought the Psalm/palm play was clever, I don't think the setup quite supported it enough for me.

[Roger Slater]

I like it a lot, except the last line isn't landing for me. Leaving aside the pun, which is a bit too much of a groaner in my opinion, the meter falls apart. If there's going to be a pun, you don't want it to sound forced. The first thirteen lines gave us crisp and easy and smooth meter, so the sudden disintegration of that meter to accommodate a pun strikes me as the wrong move.

I would consider leaving out the final couplet, then rearranging to end on "holy land of you."

Other than my reservation about the final couplet, I think this is great.

[Susan McLean]

Matt, I like the final pun, and I enjoyed the hypothetical buildup to it. My one reservation is a metrical one with L8. I hear "My VOICE would fly UP with each SAcred WORD." I like variation in meter, but I don't like ambiguity. It occurred to me that something like "My voice ascending with each sacred word" would be less ambiguous. It was my one stumble in reading the poem. I like the repetitions of "I'd kneel" and "I'd say." They make the poem more songlike. I followed the reason for your shift to present tense.

Susan

[Siham Karami]

Hi Matt,
It seems what I love about this poem is what others took issue with. The “agate” altar. The present tense in S3 lines 3 & 4. The penultimate line that perfectly ties together the two lines of “hell” and the last line. Although “crossed the desert” followed by “holy land” felt almost too much had it not been “redeemed” by the opening line. The next two lines give the whole thing just the extra hyperbole I needed to believe in this poem. It was like “ok I’m going all the way into this thing” and suddenly you’re actually in it (present tense). Which ties in with “this isn’t what we planned.”

Because this expresses a reality that not everyone has experienced, which may be why the reaction to these exact things. There’s the hyperbole and clichés of love, like religion, but the actual lived experience of it is a whole nother thing. And involves a great deal of “devoted” suffering. It is the diametrical opposite of something “planned.” Whose actual love is ever planned?? But this is why the final pun works, and is indeed so perfect for this poem. One can feel it, or at least I can. It ties the beginning innocence to the experience of the end, its reality. They sound alike, but they are oh so different. And it gives a sense of deep satisfaction. All the hyperbole kind of stands in support of this. (Strangely enough.)

Siham