[John Riley]

Bill, I wouldn't make more changes. It works if you call it metrical or non-met. It works as a poem.

[R. Nemo Hill]

I did stumble on my first read over the phrasing due to the lack of punctuation, but in the end I prefer it without the commas. There is something about its density, about all its clauses running together, that sucked me into it and submerged me, so that I became a composer of its story. That process seemed like a reflection of how the personal needs to be excavated from the block of history. It's hard for me to explain, but the poem seems a more visceral experience for me without the assistance of the punctuation: it allows me to invent, on my own, the signals to its significance.

Nemo

[Alexandra Baez]

I am beginning to feel that the uneven metre referred to by Roger and Jim might make this attempt at that form too flawed to qualify. I and this piece probably should have stayed down in "Non-Metrical" where I mostly make my visits.

Bill, I don't think the perceived metrical problem could be solved simply by reclassifying the poem. The fact is that the first two lines set a precedent of form, since they're both perfect anapestic trimeter and they rhyme. It seems to me that the following two lines "want" to be anapestic tetrameter, and this wouldn't be too hard to achieve--in fact, it would provide space to add a few more details that could help clarify points that some have found confusing.

Alternatively, you could "mess up" the formal aspects of the poem throughout so that there's no impression that it's trying to be formal, and no disappointment where it fails to be.

[Bill Dyes]

Alexandra,

Nice to meet you, and honored to have you give some of your time to this piece.

To be honest, the only 'count' my poems ever submit to is the number of syllables to a line. And even that I do not practice consistently. That statement alone should only allow me out to roam the Free Verse yard for a small portion of any day and then be rushed back in to re-join the general population.

You say the last two lines 'want' to be anapestic trimeter because the first two have established a precedent. I confess right now, I write a lot of improvised pieces of syncopated nonsense. (I'm joking?).

I made some slight changes that I hope may address the confusion some have had. Revision is endless and I do more of that than anything and I will take your kind words with me as I return to the drawing board.

Thank you very much.

[Alexandra Baez]

Bill,

To be honest, the only 'count' my poems ever submit to is the number of syllables to a line.

Ah, yes, that would explain my sense of there being some underlying order in the poem as a whole. And yet it is a very unsatisfying sort of order. Why would you submit any of your poems to a syllable count when a syllabic pattern without an accentual one doesn't render compelling results in English?

That statement alone should only allow me out to roam the Free Verse yard for a small portion of any day and then be rushed back in to re-join the general population.

Hee-hee--oh, my.

You say the last two lines 'want' to be anapestic trimeter because the first two have established a precedent.

I actually said it seems they "want" to be anapestic tetrameter. That's why I mentioned that bringing them into this meter would give you a bit of extra space to work with. By suggesting that you embrace this possible ghost blueprint, I was casting a vote for the idea that making the whole poem anapestic trimeter would not be the only way to bring it into full formal graces. I think the flow of two lines of anapestic tri followed by two of anapestic tet, though heterometric, would flow quite nicely and sound quite deliberate. However, I would not say the same about making the last two lines anapestic pentameter.

The change from "and" to "how" makes an interesting difference. I'm glad you like my comma suggestions, although I see that Nemo preferred the more self-guided experience.

[Bill Dyes]

"Why would you submit any of your poems to a syllable count when a syllabic pattern without an accentual one doesn't render compelling results in English?"

That feels totally uncompelling to me. A poem in English comes as an experience comes: patterned or unpatterned. I rejected all attempts to turn me into "a little Englishman" a long time ago.

I listen to you and Nemo and many others and then start to revise.

Thanks Alexandra, I hope to talk again.

Bill