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  #11  
Unread 04-10-2021, 07:04 AM
Jim Moonan Jim Moonan is offline
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.

This is wonderful. Outside inside too. Ineffable even. The humor, too, is draped so gently.

Sometimes, when I'm driving with the windows down, some kind of weird wind funnel takes over and I have to put the windows up or else be driven mad by the sound. Once the windows are all up and the interior of the car is sealed tight, I get another strange sound. Not of silence exactly. An interior sound of the exterior. Something like that.

Music also sometimes takes over. But the piano music I hear in this poem is not of the silent movie type. It's something more than that. Beautiful capture David.

.
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  #12  
Unread 04-10-2021, 07:38 AM
Matt Q Matt Q is offline
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Hi David,

I enjoyed this. It's a great idea.

I stumbled a bit at the beginning though. The first line can be read, "when the wind wears hearing aids, it's a bully" (which is how I first read it) or "when one is wearing hearing aids, the wind is a bully". It's hard to work out which meaning is intended because it works both ways: I can easily imagine the wind itself being deaf roaring loudly and drowning everyone else out. Maybe you want that double reading? If you don't and you want to avoid confusing your more easily-confused readers, like me, maybe there's a different way to phrase it? It's a while before the poem gives enough context to resolve the ambiguity.

I like how "film" at the end of S1 lends itself to a double reading that "movie" wouldn't.

I also wondered about, "gesticulating in different ways", in part, as suggested above, because it could be made more concrete, but also, because it follows "junction" which foregrounds a second mean of "way" as "direction", which doesn't quite work for me. Almost as if they are gesticulating at different ways", and again I reread to check.

best,

Matt
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  #13  
Unread 04-10-2021, 09:33 AM
David Callin David Callin is offline
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Thanks Max. IWAL.

I rather think I need that scene-setting, but you may be right in saying that it should be cut. I'll have a think about that.

The different ways in which they gesticulate might, on a walk, refer to different directions too. That's what I thought, anyway. Pace Matt.

And thanks Jim. That's very kind of you. Glad you enjoyed it.

Thanks, Matt. Typically (he said, through slightly gritted teeth), you've put your finger on something that was bothering me too, albeit only slightly. It's the opening. I was hoping that comma would do the trick. "The wind is a bully in hearing aids" - there, the wind is clearly the hearing aid-wearer. I hoped the comma would instead give the sense that "The wind is a bully [when you are wearing] hearing aids". My patch is imperfect, I know, but I can't think of a better way of doing it (without becoming excessively verbose - which would then, anyway, not be better anyway). If you can, let me know!

As to the "gesticulating in different ways", you'll have seen above that I am myself gesturing - but probably no more than that - at the idea of ways as directions. Again, maybe it could be better. Although, I have to say that my companions do gesticulate in different ways. There is no end to the ingenuity of someone trying to get a message across to a hearing aid-wearer who has pocketed his hearing aids. It's like being in the middle of an elaborate game of charades. (There's another image I might explore further.)

Thanks and cheers all. Much to think about for me.

David
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  #14  
Unread 04-10-2021, 10:37 AM
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Mary Meriam Mary Meriam is offline
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I couldn't help reading wind as personified, so I was lost in the rest of the poem. Once I understood from the comments that the speaker is wearing the hearing aids, the poem was clear. If you added "I" or "my" in the first line, I wouldn't be lost. Though "The wind is a bully" is a good first line, maybe like this?

When I wear hearing aids
the wind is a bully,
making itself
and nothing else heard.
So out my they come,
and calm is restored,
the world reduced to a silent film
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  #15  
Unread 04-10-2021, 01:13 PM
David Callin David Callin is offline
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Thanks for that, Mary. I must have another look at S1, clearly.

Cheers

David
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  #16  
Unread 04-10-2021, 09:19 PM
Allen Tice Allen Tice is offline
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This is not a troll. I do think that for an audience unfamiliar with silent films, you should make explicit the theatre context of the mental sound. Otherwise, it's terrific. Your turn.
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  #17  
Unread 04-11-2021, 04:44 AM
David Callin David Callin is offline
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Thanks, Allen. Is there an audience unfamiliar with silent films? Perhaps there is, and I am just showing my age by assuming there is not. So it's a good point, and I will have a look at that. (I shall canvas my children, currently in their 20s, for starters.)

Thanks again.

David
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  #18  
Unread 04-12-2021, 06:12 AM
David Callin David Callin is offline
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I have a question - for Allen, specifically, but open to all, of course: would S3 L3 be better as "I hear a piano accompaniment"?

On my Monday morning walk it occurred to me that it would. But what do I know?
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  #19  
Unread 04-12-2021, 06:45 AM
Allen Tice Allen Tice is offline
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I think there are even people unfamiliar with the flaking of stone spearheads. Theater piano disappeared ninety years ago, so you are disingenuous. As to your question, you would do best to give a physical location and some more context. I think bows and arrows will be coming in soon, so check out my bargains.
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  #20  
Unread 04-12-2021, 06:59 AM
David Callin David Callin is offline
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Okay. Back to the drafting board. (We have sites where stone spearheads have been flaked. I could walk to one this afternoon if I wanted.)
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