[Max Goodman]

A SUDDEN SOUND AT NIGHT

Out walking late one sleepless night he hears
blocks distant, hidden by the city,
a car squeal, and then pop. No shattered glass.
One car. Into a tree? A building?

Some wretch, a little tipsy maybe,
distracted just a blip, has left the road
his life was on, whatever he had been
now stained as not worth trust. This moment
will nag the flop forever, the regret
before-and-aftering.
[............................]But then—it hits him—
what's worse, that landmine fate or this,
the never knowing when life went so wrong?




*
previous draft:
L2: blocks distant, hidden from him by the city,
L4: One car. Into a tree? A building’s side?
L5: Some wretch, a little tipsy probably,
L8: now stained as selfish, not worth trust. This moment
L11: which is worse, that landmine fate or this,
*
earlier titles: "Hidden, City Night," "Hidden from Him"

previous draft:
Out walking late one sleepless night he hears,
blocks distant, hidden from him by the city,
a car squeal and then pop. No shattered glass.
One car. Into a tree? A utility pole?
The dumpster in the alley behind some bar?

Some wretch, a little tipsy probably,
distracted just a blip, has left the road
his life was on, whatever he had been,
the crack young tech geek, dad to frizz-haired daughters
who worship him, sage mentor at the Y...
now stained as selfish, not worth trust—regret
before-and-aftering.
[............................]But then—it hits him—
which wound is worse, that landmine fate or this,
the never knowing when life went so wrong?

*
earlier changes:
L3: "Pop" was capitalized.
Ls 4-5: One car. Into a tree?He sees a boulder
though no rock within ears’ range can stop cars.
L 8: The comma after "on" was a period.
Ls 11-13: will now stand stained as selfish, unreliable,
regret before-and-aftering.
[..........................................]But then—
it hits him—which is worse, that fate or this,

previous Ls 9-11: star student, family man… will now be stained
as selfish, unreliable. This moment
will nag the flop forever, the regret

*
first posted draft:
Out walking late one sleepless night he heard,
blocks distant, hidden from him by the city,
a car squeal and then Pop. No shattered glass.
One car. Into a tree? He saw a boulder
though no rock within ears’ range could stop cars.

Some wretch, a little tipsy probably,
distracted for a second, left the road
his life was on. Whatever he had been,
star student, family man… would now be tinged
with unreliability. This moment
would nag the flop forever, the regret
before-and-aftering.
[.............................]But then again—
it hit him—better far that land-mine fate
than never knowing when life went so wrong.

[Marshall Begel]

Hey Max
I'm assuming this is a wake-up call, but I can't tell if it's for the driver or the narrator. It looks like "But then again..." shifts focus back to the narrator. Is "that land-mine fate" instant death, or the near miss that teaches?

I enjoy the flow of the meter!

[Richard G]

Hi Max,
the start seems a little drab (linguistically) and too long. If the opening line was
Out walking late one sleepless night he hears
would the next five lines be needed?
That said, I enjoyedS2 particularly the close.

(I did wonder how N knew the wretch was a 'he'.)

Regards,
RG.

[Glenn Wright]

Hi, Max

This one is challenging me. I like to begin my first readings of poems by seeking the literal meaning: The first three lines have the N in a city, then in L4 we have a distant car accident with a tree and boulder, which suggest the countryside. Based solely on sound, the N concludes that the probably drunk driver has just had a car accident serious enough to change the course of his life. The N concludes that the driver can take consolation in knowing the reason his life was ruined. I have no idea what to make of “nag the flop,” but in context it seems to mean something like “haunt” or “bother.” The mention of “no shattered glass” puzzles me, too. Is the car crash merely a metaphor for some other catastrophe that derailed the “tipsy wretch’s” life?

Second pass I try asking questions and making connections that require inferences. Why is he walking late at night, presumably alone with no stated destination. Why can’t he sleep? Where is he? He seems to be in a city, but the accident, impossibly distant for him to hear, seems to take place in the country. Is it a memory? Was the N the “tipsy wretch” who caused the accident, or was he a victim of someone else’s DUI crash. He seems to have an emotional investment in the accident’s life-shattering consequences. Did the N hear a crash far away and remember a crash that ruined his life years before? Or did the memory of the moment that ruined his life pop into his mind, complete with sound effects?

I like “the regret/ before-and-aftering” and the ambiguity of “but then again—/it hit him—.“ The fracture in L12 visually suggests the moment when his life was derailed. These lead me to believe that he is reliving a traumatic experience. I suppose it doesn’t matter whether he was the driver or the victim. The point of the poem seems to be the irreversibility of the disastrous consequences.

Glenn

[Max Goodman]

Marshall,

Thanks for sharing how you're reading the poem. That's helpful.

Richard,

I appreciate you sharing your opinion. I do think those lines are needed, but your suggestion of a tense change is particularly helpful. I'm not sure why that hadn't occurred to me.

Glenn,

Thank you. I can see how the poem prompts this reading. It's helpful that you share your thoughts in such detail.

[Richard G]

Hi Max,
just to say I like the revision. I'd been struggling with 'Pop' but then 'blip' appeared, providing a strange sort of balance, and I ceased struggling. I do wonder if 'star student, family man' aren't a tad obvious?

Regards,
RG.

[Matt Q]

Hi Max,

I think the switch to present tense in the revision has worked well. It makes the poem feel more immediate, and I get more of a sense of the action unfolding as I read, the future as yet unknown. I also find the more equivocal close a lot more effective. I'm asked to wonder rather than being told the answer. And "just a blip" is fresher than "for a second".

I like how I didn't see the ending coming (appropriate, in this context!), and how when it does it draws the poem together, and leaves me to ponder. There are some nice touches too. I like the line-break on "left the road" and the double read it brings out. Also the regret "before-and-aftering", which is very much what regret does.

I don't know that I have any major suggestions or nits. So here are some smaller ones.

I'd write "Pop!" or "pop!". Even if you don't want the exclamation mark, italics are conventional, I think, to show that it's a sound. Kind of like reported speech, I guess. It did give me pause on first reading, though I didn't quite go as far as reading it as "Dad".

However, I don't really imagine the sound of a car hitting something that could conceivably be a boulder as a "pop". More of a crunch maybe, or a thud.

I can see how a person who'd lost concentration and crashed a car would be considered unreliable. But selfish doesn't make as much sense to me. Foolish, maybe. Irresponsible (though that's a lot of syllables -- feckless, maybe?). Or is the idea they are considered selfish because they were tipsy, and drinking when over the limit is selfish because of the damage you could do to others. Though the poem is inconclusive on the drinking. It's just a maybe.

A very small thing, and more of a question really. Does "ears' range" take a possessive apostrophe? It seemed odd to me. I googled, but couldn't find a definitive answer. Though I did see that people who use one are very much in the minority.

EDIT: Just coming back to add that the poem's title doesn't do that much for me.

best,

Matt

[Max Goodman]

Thanks for coming back, Richard, and for nudging me about the star student etc. I've made the character more imaginative, which seems to me more interesting. Thanks for the suggestion.

Matt,

Thanks for your detailed thoughts and suggestions.

Originally Posted by Matt Q

[Pop] did give me pause on first reading, though I didn't quite go as far as reading it as "Dad".

That reading hadn't occurred to me. I've lower-cased, to avoid the possible confusion. I mean the word to be a verb, but it might be stronger to follow your suggestion and make it a sound. I'll ponder.

I'll also ponder that apostrophe. Getting rid of it would have the virtue of simplifying.

And I'll ponder the title.

Many thanks.

[Richard G]

Hi Max,
I like the 'frizz-haired daughters who ...' but isn't the protagonist speculating about the identity of the driver (who is still 'blocks distant') at this point? At least that's how I've been reading 'probably'. The new characteristics, like the old, all seem very positive; couldn't the driver also be ... an adulterer (or something else negative) or something neutral, someone after working a double shift? Good, bad, and ugly. The (excellent) ending doesn't require that one be virtuous, or does it?

I preferred the 'nag' of the original (it was about the character) 'selfish' seems to be about those who judge him.

Regards,
RG.

[R. S. Gwynn]

If N can see a boulder then how can he assume there not another boulder within the range of hearing? The poem raises the question of why N just didn't walk over and see for himself what happened. Instead, he just stays where he is, speculating about the possible identity of the victim. His inaction is the real subject of the poem. BTW, the safety glass used in cars doesn't really make that much noise.