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  #11  
Unread 05-24-2022, 12:34 PM
Carl Copeland Carl Copeland is online now
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Susan McLean View Post
Carl, perhaps you were reminded of Wordworth's Prelude: "Bliss was it in that dawn to be alive, / But to be young was very heaven" ...
Very likely, given the verses and era I gravitate to. Thank you, Susan. Tyutchev, in a poem on Cicero, wrote: "Happy are they who visit this world in its moments of destiny."

Carl

Last edited by Carl Copeland; 05-24-2022 at 06:52 PM.
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  #12  
Unread 05-24-2022, 02:03 PM
David Callin David Callin is offline
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Thanks for the thoughts, everyone. At present I am focusing on redoing the poem la Ann, which seems like a good idea to me, but I will get back on all the other points too, as soon as I can.

Cheers

David
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  #13  
Unread 05-24-2022, 02:25 PM
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RCL RCL is offline
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David,

Short of a book on the writer-gods, this is a terrific distillation of a distinctly imaginative pair of them and evokes how legitimately envious one can be of their art. And it really sounds good!
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  #14  
Unread 05-25-2022, 11:02 AM
John Riley John Riley is offline
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I want to join in on the praise. I'd send it out. No nits.
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  #15  
Unread 05-25-2022, 01:17 PM
David Callin David Callin is offline
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Ann, I have very sensibly taken all of your advice. Although I note, in passing, that "until, with a catch of breath" (in the original) does sort of replicate the catch of breath. But I think I prefer your version.

Thanks John. Did I see Susan's Bronte poem, I wonder? I'd like to read that. And I will have a good look at your suggestions too.

And thanks Carl. You're right, "winds" would be a better rhyme, but I still lean towards "wind". I think you're right with your update on the gods too. They were the creators of their own world, after all - or so I think.

Sarah-Jane, really pleased you enjoyed it. I will take a good long look at line 9. Dull is never good. And I have a weakness for such flatly scene-setting titles, I'm afraid. Laziness, I suppose.

Thanks very much, Susan. Very pleased you liked it. Can you direct me to - or even pm me - your Bronte poem?

Very glad you liked it too, Julie - if I am not extrapolating wrongly from your comment.

Ah Carl, on your return, Susan is right: it was the Wordsworth line I was thinking of. I do like Whitman, though - in the original edition, at least. I somehow had it in mind that you didn't? I wonder where I picked up that idea.

Thanks, Cameron. That "O" is a knowingly archaic one, of course - or so I hope. But you're right, grouping them into one mind does diminish their variety - although I think of it as a multiform mind. So I can't argue with your comment about the male poet making some tidy sonnet-shaped pronouncements about their lives overall, although I suppose that's the nature of the beast (both the male poet and the sonnet). So it does help! I'm happy to say that.

Thanks a lot, Ralph. Glad it worked for you.

And thank you too, John. I think I might. I am trying to be a bit more systematic about submitting poems anyway.

Yorkshire cheers to all.

David
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  #16  
Unread 05-25-2022, 01:26 PM
Julie Steiner Julie Steiner is offline
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(After a quick, nervous Google to find out if Yorkshire cheers are anything like Bronx cheers)

You're welcome, David! It's a very fine poem.
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  #17  
Unread 05-25-2022, 01:29 PM
Yves S L Yves S L is offline
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Hello David,

I don't much about the Bronte sisters, so I read it primarily as a poem about the imagination which is using the life of the well-known-in-the English-literary-world sisters as its basic material. It is the final couplet which bends it more towards a summary of a life. I wonder what would happen with a brighter ending.
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  #18  
Unread 05-26-2022, 01:56 PM
David Callin David Callin is offline
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Thanks Yves. You should look them up. They (plus brother) are fascinating.

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I wonder what would happen with a brighter ending.
Ah well. That would be a different story altogether.

Cheers

David
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  #19  
Unread 05-26-2022, 02:05 PM
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Sarah-Jane Crowson Sarah-Jane Crowson is offline
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Hi David,

Just to say that I don't think that the current line is dull, more that I wondered if it would work if you paced it a bit -

O to be young and gods in such a world!

Maybe just considering a comma between young, and 'and' or an em-dash. Just to give me some clues as I read it out internally. That was all : ) Nothing dramatic.

Sarah-Jane
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  #20  
Unread 05-28-2022, 01:50 PM
James Brancheau James Brancheau is offline
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Late to the party, David-- but it's brilliant. It's the touches that go a long way. With god, religion, being a woman at that time. And insanely talented. You know how to sneak up on people, or me anyway. In the nicest of ways, whether or not I got this one right.
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