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  #1  
Unread 04-06-2021, 08:17 PM
Allen Tice Allen Tice is offline
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xxxxxxMore Gold Than Gold

Sitting in this early afternoon
Near beside you while we talk and rest,
Discussing almost nothing beyond today,
Its graceful grace, its barely headline weather,
And print-outs of inky words I like to say,
That you can also say, is one of the best
Gifts a friend can give, a perfect boon.

The lawn is calm today, except for that bird
Listening to worms or hoping for a tryst,
Who will see nothing busy here: two folks
Adjacent with only their two thoughts, together
Looking at the scene, not making jokes
Or thinking about a rhyme that won’t be missed,
Since silence is more golden than gold, and not absurd.




Changes:
S2L5 is "Looking at", was "Glimpsing at"
S2L7 is "Since silence is more golden than gold, and not absurd", was "
Silence more gold than gold, and not absurd."
S2L1 has "except" had, had "but"

Last edited by Allen Tice; 04-13-2021 at 08:37 PM.
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  #2  
Unread 04-07-2021, 12:00 PM
Mark McDonnell Mark McDonnell is offline
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Hi Allen,

I really enjoyed this. Contentment is one of the hardest things to write about without sounding sappy or smug and this seems to strike just the right balance. Your occasional tendency to wackiness of voice (sorry) is tempered here too and the language is as calm and serene as the scene described. Very effective. I like the "mirror image" rhyme scheme too. I like to play with that sometimes.

It's funny that you put yourself on the anti-Larkin side of the fence in the recent GT discussion. This poem could be the contented cousin to Larkin's bleak "Talking In Bed"

https://allpoetry.com/Talking-In-Bed

Last edited by Mark McDonnell; 04-07-2021 at 02:08 PM.
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  #3  
Unread 04-07-2021, 02:08 PM
Allen Tice Allen Tice is offline
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Thank you, Mark. I'm not really anti-Larkin. He just doesn't "bring me joy", as they say, very often. I always thought that his "Weddings", however skillful, was 9/10 paste and rubber bands. I recognize his ability. And appreciate his bicycle clip reference at the church, etc., etc., etc., etc. His writing is very smart and also curmudgeonly, but librarians tend to be smart.

I need a title that doesn't boggle the mind, yet tells it like it is. Something deeply, entirely true. A gift of calm amid a Dover Beach day.
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Unread 04-07-2021, 02:17 PM
Mark McDonnell Mark McDonnell is offline
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A title, yes. I'll have a think. Sorry! I didn't want to turn your thread into another trial by jury of grumpy Phil. Forget I mentioned him! Hush, as they say in the library.

Edit: Well, if stealing a phrase from the poem is something you're not averse to, then "More Gold Than Gold" is quite nice.

Last edited by Mark McDonnell; 04-07-2021 at 02:20 PM.
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Unread 04-07-2021, 02:50 PM
Allen Tice Allen Tice is offline
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Bingo, bingo. Will try it after a walk outside. Thanks!
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Unread 04-07-2021, 06:01 PM
Allen Tice Allen Tice is offline
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Thanks, Mark. It might have seemed an easy call, however, I do like it a lot. And my walk was good. Other titles might show up and apply for the job, though now "More Gold Than Gold" looks like it could take the cake.

You were right to call me out for being "wacky". Wacky was as wacky did perhaps. Thanks for your comment.

Last edited by Allen Tice; 04-07-2021 at 10:07 PM. Reason: the soul of wit
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  #7  
Unread 04-07-2021, 09:08 PM
mignon ledgard mignon ledgard is offline
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Default Allen Tice's poem More Gold than Gold

Allen,

I hesitate, not because I’m new, but because, mostly, I go by ear, and this may not suffice. The first strophe flows beautifully—the only bump is on line three, the word BEYOND, to my ear, sounds as if it had an extra syllable, but I have no suggestion.

The second strophe lacks the smooth flow of the first one. This may be on purpose, but line four is rather difficult. Also, there are too many INGS.

I enjoy your posts and your way of expression.
~mignon

Last edited by mignon ledgard; 04-08-2021 at 02:51 AM. Reason: corrected to: to my ear, it sounds as if it had an extra syllable
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Unread 04-07-2021, 09:56 PM
Allen Tice Allen Tice is offline
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Mignon, hi. Let’s look at the “beyond” problem.

“Discussing almost nothing beyond today” has this stress pattern:
DisCUSSing ALmost NOTHing beYOND toDAY — five stresses.

Likewise,
“And PRINT-outs of INky WORDS i LIKE to SAY” has five stresses. In both cases there are two unstressed syllables in sequence. I like the modest sashay of that rhythm. In the second instance I could have dropped “outs” for a march-like meter. I didn’t do so by intention.

In strophe two, “adJAcent with” again links two unstressed syllables.

There are a number of “ings”, granted. I’d have redo the entire piece to limit them. If or when the poem is lengthened by addition of filler, this could be looked at. I’m not ready yet to do that, or stuff it with distractions. It could become part of a larger piece possibly. The Wikipedia article on “Dover Beach” shows how and why a master like Matthew Arnold worked for some time on his masterpiece. This is a celebration of a kind of a Tiffany epiphany. It’s fragile perhaps. I don’t want to forget the experience.

However, thanks for reading and responding. Stay in touch.
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Unread 04-08-2021, 03:02 AM
mignon ledgard mignon ledgard is offline
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Default Allen Tice's More Gold than Gold

Allen,

Thank you for your prompt response. I corrected my comment, which is not refuting. I don't stand a chance against correct scanning, but I will continue to say so when my ear senses 'something.' It may happen, at times, that the author hears it, too.

But I'm also here for the stropping, and you have given me my first lesson at Eratosphere, for which I'm thankful. As part of your offering, I read the Wikipedia article you mentioned and bookmarked it. The poem is smoother than so many poems I've read - beautiful.

Thanks again,
~mignon
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  #10  
Unread 04-08-2021, 06:25 PM
Julie Steiner Julie Steiner is offline
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Hey, Allen! Here with my handful of possible-unhelpful observations.

I don't think I've ever seen the expression "Near beside" before. A quick Google proximity search yielded about 67,600 results for "near beside" and 1,290,000 results for "close beside." And a lot of the "near beside" results were actually for lists of synonyms: "near; beside". Not necessarily a flaw, but it struck me as odd.

The lawn is calm today, but for that bird
Listening to worms or hoping for a tryst,


It doesn't matter for poetic purposes, but robins might locate earthworms by sight rather than hearing:
https://www.audubon.org/field-guide/bird/american-robin
I like "Listening" with "tryst," though. Keep it.
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