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  #1  
Unread 03-30-2021, 01:04 PM
Aaron Poochigian Aaron Poochigian is offline
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Default The German Word For. . .

The German Word For . . .

The time of year when joyance of itself
erupts and routs my mawkish melancholy
and I become a juicy, jostling, jolly
abundance. The thesaurus on my shelf
duly (and never dully) yields up many
parts of speech that appertain to this
ecstatic state: say, “jubilate,” say, “bliss.”
But which are mots justes? I cannot find any,

so I will have to nail my point slantwise:
I mean like when some plants that were mere stem
the night before flaunt blossoms in the morning
and own the front yard, like, Surprise! Surprise!
I mean the word for the frisson-of-them-
murdering-yearning-as-if-without-warning.

. . .

Line 12: "own" for "shock"

Last edited by Aaron Poochigian; 03-30-2021 at 09:22 PM.
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  #2  
Unread 03-30-2021, 02:08 PM
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RCL RCL is offline
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A fun one! Just ask my sinuses.

Dunno, but think that maybe it's
Possibly Ma Nature’s blitz.
__________________
Ralph

Last edited by RCL; 03-30-2021 at 02:19 PM.
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  #3  
Unread 03-30-2021, 02:53 PM
Aaron Poochigian Aaron Poochigian is offline
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"It's" and "blitz" is hot stuff, Ralph.
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  #4  
Unread 03-30-2021, 08:40 PM
Tim McGrath Tim McGrath is offline
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I'd change this
the night before flaunt blossoms in the morning
to this
the night before they flaunt it in the morning

And this
murdering-yearning-as-if-without-warning
is not quite as Yeatsian as it would like to be.

Otherwise, it's pretty good and there is much to like.

Last edited by Tim McGrath; 03-30-2021 at 09:19 PM.
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  #5  
Unread 03-30-2021, 09:17 PM
Aaron Poochigian Aaron Poochigian is offline
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Thank you, my friend.

I will look at the lines you single out. Do you have any further suggestions?

I'm not sure I could go with "they flaunt it" when the subject (the "they") is there in the preceding line.

Best,

Aaron
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  #6  
Unread 03-30-2021, 09:52 PM
Tim McGrath Tim McGrath is offline
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Yes, grammatically you are right. I take it back. For resonant lines from Yeats, it would be hard to improve on this:

Imagining in excited reverie
That the future years had come,
Dancing to a frenzied drum,
Out of the murderous innocence of the sea.

Or this:

Those images that yet
Fresh images beget,
That dolphin-torn, that gong-tormented sea.
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  #7  
Unread 03-31-2021, 01:38 AM
Aaron Poochigian Aaron Poochigian is offline
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Thank you for sharing the Yeats. I don't think I was trying to be Yeatsian anywhere here. Still, thank you for the Yeats. Hmn.
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  #8  
Unread 03-31-2021, 09:51 AM
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Jane Crowson Jane Crowson is online now
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Hello,

I think jouissance - but the the long compound German-style word at the end is great. It invites people to think up their own, and I like how it follows the image of the flaunting blossoms.

S2 is certainly the most effective for me.

I'm not sure that L5 totally works for me although it's a clever bit of word-play. Would it be worth considering personifying the thesaurus a bit more 'duly and with pride', or 'duly and with joy' so you have a third bit of character/object to focus on in there, along with the narrator.

Sarah-Jane
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  #9  
Unread 04-01-2021, 07:49 PM
Bill Marsh Bill Marsh is offline
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Thanks for 'frisson'. I didn't know it and it is a great word

This poems, and your poems in general, feel like e.e. cummings. New York is part of it, and he also was a devoted metricist but mainly is the the way the sense of play in the poem - the direct messing with the reader, if you will, and no reluctance to show off - is made to reflect and serve your flowers and original ecstasy.

You also, like cummings, appear to be phenomenally prolific. Must be nice.
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