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Unread 03-12-2021, 08:48 AM
Jane Crowson's Avatar
Jane Crowson Jane Crowson is offline
Join Date: Oct 2018
Location: UK
Posts: 395

Title - I think it depends whether you want this primarily to be read as a love poem/poem about the girl or as a poem about nature/urban or about something else. The main cue for my reading was the title.

The ambiguities of 'her' as the urban and as the girl kind of reinforce the dual readings, so if you tidy them up you steer the reading towards the poem being about the girl rather than the garden or about either/or both.

For what it is worth, I like the repetition of 'love'. I think repetition can work.

(slightly disappointed because the change in title will mean it is less about psychogeog and walking, although Circe sounds fun too. Radical slug still cool.)
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Unread 03-12-2021, 02:36 PM
Daniel Kemper's Avatar
Daniel Kemper Daniel Kemper is offline
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: California
Posts: 1,189

Hi Aaron,

Of the two, I prefer the one that you have currently posted inside the poem.

There is some metrical trickiness brewing with so many lines beginning with a single syllable word. Not sure what to make of it yet. But worth observing.
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