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  #1  
Unread 01-17-2022, 11:57 AM
F.F. Teague's Avatar
F.F. Teague F.F. Teague is offline
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Default Nips

Do gaze; I've even closed my eyes,
my iris eyes, to let yours roam
around my rounds. A nice surprise,
this invitation? Dome on dome
from slick appendage to the jaws
and all along my lacelike wings,
I'm twirling for you. And my claws
entice to feel my pretty things.
But touch? No-no. That's not allowed.
These iris eyes will open, glare.
My breasts will rise as, long and loud,
I whirr my fury, sweat and swear,
then grab you in my golden grips
and punish with my toxic nips.



René Lalique, Dragonfly brooch, 1898
for 50 Shades of Blue; other approaches available
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  #2  
Unread 01-17-2022, 02:15 PM
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Sarah-Jane Crowson Sarah-Jane Crowson is offline
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Hi Fliss,

Oooh, and Ooh - Lalique is wonderful. I’ve just been highly distracted browsing images (I love the glassware too) and I think writing a poem using the brooch as a prompt is a wonderful idea. I gather you’re writing it in response to a specific prompt/comp but I don't know the context so I won't comment about that part.

Here, I like the echo of ‘eyes,/my iris eyes’ which I think introduce a ‘voice’ early on. And I enjoy that the poem is written from the perspective of the brooch, half-enticing and half-menacing. I also enjoy the word-level ‘slick appendage’ and that hint of waspishness in ‘I’m twirling for you’.

The metre and rhyme read spot-on to me, but I’m not expert.

The two main formative points I’d have is that, I think in terms of image, you might make more of the claws - the creature as a hybrid - and the colour and cold feel of enamel. That’s not a huge issue, though - poems only have room for certain things.

I’m not sure that ‘nips’ is a strong enough word at the end for me (bear in mind I'll bring my own subjective opinions though).

I don’t think it helps that ‘nips’ are, in some places, slang for ‘nipples’, which you might intend - but it’s not menacing slang, rather it’s kind of cutesy slang, which is at odds with a venomous sting, perhaps. I think the poem would be stronger for me if it were the more obvious ‘sting’, for that reason. Also ‘nips’ is what dogs/cats do in friendly play - which increases the connotations of not-dangerous, in a way.

But what an image and a fantastic idea, to write about Lalique jewellery and from the jewellery’s perspective, too. I really enjoyed reading this.

(Here's a rather amazing snake brooch
- not a hybrid figure, like your pin, but still a bit wow)
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  #3  
Unread 01-18-2022, 03:27 AM
Brian Allgar Brian Allgar is offline
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I like this a lot, Fliss.

I rather agree with Sarah-Jane about 'nips'. Here are my first thoughts (although of course it's only a rough suggestion, and doesn't convey quite the same meaning as the original) on how the last two lines could have more 'bite':

then grab you in my grips of gold
and sting you till your blood runs cold.
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  #4  
Unread 01-18-2022, 02:38 PM
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F.F. Teague F.F. Teague is offline
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Hi Sarah-Jane and Brian,

Thanks very much for taking the time to read and comment


Sarah-Jane

Yes, I've also been looking at Lalique; I didn't do much in the way of research before writing this poem and another, however. The image is just one of 50 from The Ekphrastic Review's Fifty Shades of Blue ebook for the contest (details over on Art). The snake brooch is pretty cool 🐍

Thanks for liking the echo and the POV, also the TOV. I had some fun with it, which might be coming through

Rhythm 'n' rhyme have been approved by John Isbell, yay. I like the claws, but I'm not sure how I'd set about making more of them so as to improve the poem. I'd rather breathe life into the dragonfly lady than focus on her as a piece of jewellery, if that makes sense? I want to make her peculiarly real.

With 'nips', perhaps I'll wait to see how this strikes other readers. If there aren't any more comments, I'll explain what I'm doing; it just feels quite early to reveal everything at this stage. Thanks for your comment

- - -
Brian

Hi Brian, and thanks for the like a lot! As I've just mentioned to Sarah-Jane, I'll wait for other readings (if any) before talking about what I'm doing with 'nips'. I do like your suggestions, though; thank you


Best wishes,
Fliss
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  #5  
Unread 01-18-2022, 09:21 PM
Andrew Frisardi Andrew Frisardi is offline
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I like this too, Fliss, and had the same thought about "nips."

Maybe I'm just missing something, but I don't get what the "dome on dome" refers to, or the "twirling." I'm not seeing either.

But yes, a tetrameter sonnet. Nicely turned.
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  #6  
Unread 01-19-2022, 11:42 AM
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F.F. Teague F.F. Teague is offline
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Thanks, Andrew; it's looking like I might have to make a couple of changes to clarify the poem; I'll try to get round to that tomorrow

I'm glad the form's okay, at least!

Best wishes,
Fliss
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  #7  
Unread 01-19-2022, 02:03 PM
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Sarah-Jane Crowson Sarah-Jane Crowson is offline
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In case it helps, I did wonder if with 'nips' you were deliberately referencing nipples & aiming for a kind of mild titillation that reinforced the 'look but don't touch' message.

But I threw out that reading as 'toxic' seemed a bit strong for it, and because of the cutesy 'nips' (if used as slang in that way).

I also wondered if you were referencing the pin of the brooch itself (i.e. if you turn the brooch around the pin could stick into you).

I'm thinking about other things it might mean now. A commentary on social media?

I am sure someone will come along and 'get it'. I frequently mis-read people's poems, or read them in a slightly slant way, I think, so I wouldn't be concerned if I don't 'get it'.

Sarah-Jane
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  #8  
Unread 01-19-2022, 06:34 PM
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F.F. Teague F.F. Teague is offline
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Hi Sarah-Jane,

Thanks for coming back. No problem at all about not getting it; I understand. I don't think it's going to be possible to revise this poem to suit the 'sphere, so I'm happy to let it slide.

Thanks again, Brian

Best wishes,
Fliss
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  #9  
Unread 01-20-2022, 07:02 AM
Jim Moonan Jim Moonan is offline
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.
I think "nips" works well as an end to the poem; it accurately describes the pinching of the claws; but not as a title. I would think "Brooch" would make a good title.

I like this as an ekphrastic but not my cup of tea as a motif. It's a siren call looking for trouble.

I think you've got some logistical wrinkles to iron out. I, for one, am not enticed by her claws to feel her pretty things —to the contrary! So I question the logic of these lines:

And my claws
entice to feel my pretty things.
But touch? No-no. That's not allowed.



There is something of a lecherous feel to these lines:

Do gaze; I've even closed my eyes,
my iris eyes, to let yours roam
around my rounds.


And this:

I'm twirling for you.

seems to invite lechery. Bu still, I do think this mostly works as an ekphrastic. Changing the title will help disarm any unwanted connotations.

I'm surprised the pin that attaches the brooch to the garment is not mentioned in this. It feels like it should be.

I find figures like this — half human, half not — vexing, even intimidating, even frightening. It is the female equivalent to the macho male prototype — a turn-off to me.

Interestingly, did you know that a dragonfly has nearly 360-degree vision? Your dragonfly's eyes are closed. Is she awake?

When I was growing up, rumor had it that dragonflies preyed on children during the hot months of summer, sewing their lips and eyes shut. They were scarier than spiders. As scary as snakes. No thank you. I have no desire to touch!

.
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  #10  
Unread 01-20-2022, 11:03 AM
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F.F. Teague F.F. Teague is offline
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Jim,

Quote:
Originally Posted by F.F. Teague View Post
I don't think it's going to be possible to revise this poem to suit the 'sphere, so I'm happy to let it slide.
Thanks, though 🤔😂

F.
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