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  #11  
Unread 07-24-2021, 04:48 PM
John Riley John Riley is offline
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Thank you for coming back, Fliss. What you say helps me keep a clear head about it and that is something I'm grateful for.

Cally, I've posted a revision to incorporate the simple brilliance of what you say about the opening. It is so obvious the same way that light had to bend was obvious. But it took Einstein to see it. Making that change seems to me to have cleared up what follows a bit. It focuses more on the dialogue between a heart doctor and a psychiatrist. Their back and forth is the pulse. I think the simple change makes that clearer. Not to say it doesn't need more. Only time will tell.

Thanks, guys. Great help.
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  #12  
Unread 07-24-2021, 05:01 PM
Cally Conan-Davies Cally Conan-Davies is offline
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John, honestly, for me, this is all it needed. And it was already there. Amazing, eh?

I love it.

Cally
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  #13  
Unread 07-24-2021, 11:56 PM
John Isbell John Isbell is offline
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Hi John,

I like the revision, but then, I already liked your original poem. I agree, sometimes it matters to catch a thing in flight, and you've done that here. Editing can come later as needed.
I like that my favorite line splits the poem pretty much in half: "my heart an enemy?" I also like that the doctors who hate questions open with the first question. Do as I say, not as I do, could be the motto there. In all, a bit of an acid experience.
I'm sorry for your news.

Oh - great new title.

Cheers,
John

Last edited by John Isbell; 07-25-2021 at 02:49 AM. Reason: title
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  #14  
Unread 07-25-2021, 04:45 AM
Jim Moonan Jim Moonan is offline
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.

Yep, Cally's suggestions about the opening and title and your tweaking has put this in its element. It is the uncomfortable visceral truth of the aging heart. Yours is here. Right here.

It makes me wonder (being a hopeless Prufruck) If you were to write another poem on the same subject but this time etherise the heart and examine it in its other dimension. Hmm.

..
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  #15  
Unread 07-25-2021, 02:31 PM
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F.F. Teague F.F. Teague is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by John Riley View Post
Thank you for coming back, Fliss. What you say helps me keep a clear head about it and that is something I'm grateful for.
You're welcome, John; clarity is good. I did like 'Cardiology', but I understand why you've changed it. F.
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  #16  
Unread 07-26-2021, 08:00 PM
John Riley John Riley is offline
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Thanks, Cally. I think I agree.

John, I'm glad you appreciate the intention. Honestly, I was almost overwhelmed, and instead of drinking, I wrote a poem. I have to back to Duke tomorrow and a heart cath the next week. But at my back . . . .

Jim, that's a great idea for another poem. I'll see.

Fliss, at least my initial instinct wasn't terrible. I don't think what I wanted to do with the word cardiology was working. But I've been wrong once or twice.

Best
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  #17  
Unread 07-27-2021, 02:53 PM
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F.F. Teague F.F. Teague is offline
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Not at all terrible, John. I've used 'Rheumatology' once, I think. I enjoyed the poem.

Best wishes,
Fliss
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