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Unread 07-25-2021, 10:53 PM
Susan McLean Susan McLean is online now
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Default Rilke, The Parks, II

The Parks
by Rainer Maria Rilke

II.

Seized gently by the lanes
on the right and left, and led
by the subtle pressure onward
of some enticing sign,

you enter all of a sudden
into the meeting place
of a shadowed water fountain
and four stone garden seats,

in a separated hour
that passes by, alone.
Upon damp plinths of stone
where nothing stands anymore,

you’re raising up a deep,
expectant inhalation,
while the silver water drops
from the dark brim of the basin

count you as one of theirs
already and murmur on.
And feeling yourself among stones
that listen, you do not stir.


Die Parke

II

Leise von den Alleen
ergriffen, rechts und links,
folgend dem Weitergehen
irgend eines Winks,

trittst du mit einem Male
in das Beisammensein
einer schattigen Wasserschale
mit vier Bänken aus Stein;

in eine abgetrennte
Zeit, die allein vergeht.
Auf feuchte Postamente,
auf denen nichts mehr steht,

hebst du einen tiefen
erwartenden Atemzug;
während das silberne Triefen
von dem dunkeln Bug

dich schon zu den Seinen
zählt und weiterspricht.
Und du fühlst dich unter Steinen
die hören, und rührst dich nicht.


Revisions:
S1L2-4 was "driven / by the constant motivation / of some persistent sign,"


Literal translation:
The Parks

II.

Seized gently by the avenues,
right and left,
following the forward impulse
of some sign,

you enter all of a sudden
into the meeting place
of a shadowed water basin
with four benches of stone,

in a separated
time that passes by, alone.
On damp pedestals
on which nothing stands anymore,

you raise up a deep,
expectant breath,
while the silver drips
from the dark rim

already count you as one
of theirs and keep on talking.
And you feel yourself among stones
that listen, and you do not move.

Last edited by Susan McLean; 07-27-2021 at 11:44 AM.
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  #2  
Unread 07-27-2021, 04:43 AM
John Isbell John Isbell is offline
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Hi Susan,

Yup, no nits really. That's the German, and the English has your usual elegance. Just to note that a Wink is not technically a sign. But I see why you went there. Nice work.

Cheers,
John
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  #3  
Unread 07-27-2021, 11:46 AM
Susan McLean Susan McLean is online now
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Thanks, John. I have tried some rewording of S1 in an attempt to capture the nuances of "Winks" better.

Susan
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Unread 07-27-2021, 12:44 PM
John Isbell John Isbell is offline
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I like your shift toward the tangible there. It makes it crisper IMO.

Cheers,
John
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  #5  
Unread 08-01-2021, 12:52 PM
Susan McLean Susan McLean is online now
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Thanks, John. I am glad to hear that you think the changes work.

Susan
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