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  #1  
Unread 06-10-2021, 10:07 AM
Aaron Poochigian Aaron Poochigian is offline
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Default The Punctual One

The Punctual One

Pacing in apprehension,
I try to pay attention

to how
the larch leaves quiver.

A scow
has inched upriver.

The Dow,
no doubt,
has moved a sliver.

I want to shout
why, why are you so late?

but I just wait
in dumb
unease.

Please

come

now.

. . . . .

Line 9: "moved" for "wavered"

Last edited by Aaron Poochigian; 06-12-2021 at 06:49 AM.
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  #2  
Unread 06-10-2021, 01:37 PM
F.F. Teague's Avatar
F.F. Teague F.F. Teague is offline
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Hi Aaron,

Just a few starting thoughts here.

I'm reminded of the White Rabbit.

I like the rhyme scheme; I had to look up 'Scow' and I learn this is a wide-beamed sailing dinghy (I mention this in case it's useful for anyone else).

A suggestion for S5:

I want to shout,
Why? Why are you so late?!

It might be worth experimenting with the final three words in terms of formatting, depending on the effect you wish to achieve.

Best wishes,
Fliss
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  #3  
Unread 06-10-2021, 02:10 PM
Roger Slater Roger Slater is offline
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I don't at all understand what the Dow is doing there.
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  #4  
Unread 06-10-2021, 02:19 PM
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F.F. Teague F.F. Teague is offline
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Yes; that bit confused me too, much as I like the sonics of the stanza.
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  #5  
Unread 06-10-2021, 02:20 PM
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Sarah-Jane Crowson Sarah-Jane Crowson is offline
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I read it as the Dow Jones. At first, I thought it was a river because of the boat, but I think it's the Dow Jones Index.
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  #6  
Unread 06-10-2021, 02:29 PM
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Sarah-Jane Crowson Sarah-Jane Crowson is offline
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I like the format of this very, much - how it works with the rhyme and the pacing & the final cri de coeur.

The different movements in the larch leaves, the boat and the external machinations of economies are gorgeous, too - that kind of swift move from micro to macro works beautifully for so many reasons, because the narrator gets placed in different contexts - the physical 'place' but also the clockwork world moving forward.

I hope the narrator's late person arrived in a fluster of wonder & train-lateness & glory!
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  #7  
Unread 06-10-2021, 02:30 PM
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F.F. Teague F.F. Teague is offline
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'Interesting!' :>)

We really must go and have our Fortisip now... :-)
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  #8  
Unread 06-10-2021, 03:38 PM
John Isbell John Isbell is offline
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Hi Aaron,

Scow is a splendid word and deserves to be in more poems. Wikipedia describes it as a flat-bottomed boat or large punt, perfect for navigating shallow water. Sailing upriver is not easy - which is worth noting - but Thames barges, for instance, are scows (says Wikipedia), and that will do me.

Rhyme's place on the other hand in the emergence of a poem is sufficient, as compositional approaches go, but I'm not certain it is adequate. It seems very art for art's sake. And this piece too does feel to me a bit um des Reimes Willen, nice as the rhymes are.

Cheers,
John
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  #9  
Unread 06-10-2021, 04:11 PM
Allen Tice Allen Tice is offline
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Godot is delayed, feeding oats to a palindromic dog.
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  #10  
Unread 06-10-2021, 05:28 PM
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Better yet, I hope it's waiting for Gado (Gal, that is, WW 84).
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