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  #1  
Unread 05-01-2024, 11:29 PM
Glenn Wright Glenn Wright is offline
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Default Still Life with Flowers

Still Life with Flowers

      Joe Madigan parked his car in the space reserved for him. A security camera gazed dispassionately at the small lot reserved for staff and administrators and at the graffiti-covered brick wall at the far end of it, dutifully recording the comings and goings at Springfield High School. Mr. Madigan had been promoted to the rank of assistant principal halfway through the school year when his predecessor abruptly quit and moved to Texas to work for a textbook company. No one else had applied for the position, and because Mr. Madigan had completed most of the necessary coursework to earn an administrative credential, he was given provisional licensure and an office. His English students were sprinkled into the classes of his colleagues and life went on.

      Normally Mr.Madigan was the first faculty member to arrive. This morning the main door was already unlocked. The lights remained off except for the area where the custodian was working. In one of his first official acts as an administrator, Mr. Madigan had sent a memo to all staff implementing this policy as a cost saving measure. He had instructed staff who needed the lights to be turned on during off hours to make arrangements with the janitor. Fred, the custodian who had been employed at Springfield High since the end of the Vietnam War, had marched into Mr. Madigan’s office and told him in no uncertain terms that he was a custodian, not a janitor, and in future memos he was to remember that. Mr. Madigan was anticipating an unpleasant exchange with Fred about leaving the front door open when he saw a pool of light at the end of the hall near his office and a group of people huddled together.

      As he drew closer, he recognized one of the teacher’s aides—what were they calling them now? Para-educators? She had been hired the previous year when class sizes had exceeded the maximums allowed under school district policy for one-teacher classrooms. She had been introduced to the teachers and made available to help with class projects and to work with small groups on remediation, but Mr. Madigan had never invited her into his classroom and could not remember her name. She was a tall, Hispanic woman with long, glossy, black hair. She wore colorful bracelets and skirts. Now she was supervising a group of four students, each representing a different race. He was able to identify only one of them, a frequent flier in the discipline office. They were trying to attach a large plaque of flowers to the wall under a banner with inscriptions in English and Spanish: I love you Gela, Te extraño Querida, Rest in Peace Angélica, and an enlarged photograph of a pretty, smiling, brown-skinned girl with braces on her teeth. Mr. Madigan recognized her as the girl who had committed suicide last week.

      Ignoring the students, who would have nervously avoided his gaze, he walked up to the woman. Trying to conceal his irritation, he said suavely, “I know you’ll understand, but the school district has a policy strictly forbidding floral tributes.” His insincere smile withered under the woman’s sharp glare. The students looked to her for guidance about what to do next. She held the silence for a long time, prompting Mr. Madigan to move toward the plaque of flowers and continue, “The flowers are beautiful—red and gold—our school colors. I can put them in my office until the end of the day. Would you all help me move them? I’ll be sure to water them to keep them fresh.” None of the students moved, but stared intently at the woman.

      Finally, seeing the undisguised anger on the woman’s face, one of the students spoke up. “How you gonna water the flowers? They’re all stuck to the cardboard.”

      “They’ll be fine until the end of the day,” Mr. Madigan replied brusquely. “Can you take it to the family for the memorial service?”

      “The funeral was yesterday,” the woman said tensely. “One of her teachers was there.” Her tone implied that Mr. Madigan should have known that, and furthermore, that he should have been there.

      Mr. Madigan felt defensive, surprised at how small he felt, at how the woman’s contempt for him had communicated itself to the students, who regarded him now with a mixture of disgust and amusement. He wanted to explain to them that the policy against memorials for deceased students, especially for suicides, was established to prevent glorifying the act and to discourage copycat behavior by other despondent students. He was, however, smart enough to realize that it would be better for him to say as little as possible. “I’m sorry for your loss. Please give her parents my condolences.”

      The woman, who had already begun to walk away, stiffened and told the students to bring the banner and plaque with them. She did not look at Mr. Madigan or say a word to him. One of the students looked at him almost with pity. “Her father is dead. That woman is her mother.” The woman, followed by the four students carrying the memorial, left the school. Joe Madigan went to his office, hung up his coat, and sat at his desk, looking out the window for a long time.

      He saw the group go to the little store across the street where students bought snacks and school supplies. The woman and the owner, a grandfatherly man, spoke briefly. Then the students set up the plaque and banner on the wall of the store. At lunchtime, the woman stood beside the memorial and a line of students—dozens of them, hundreds of them, most of the students in the large, urban high school—filed by, some hugging the woman and each other, some genuflecting in front of the flowers, a few making the sign of the cross as Mr. Madigan looked on from his office.

Last edited by Glenn Wright; 05-03-2024 at 01:30 PM.
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  #2  
Unread 05-03-2024, 05:38 AM
Jim Moonan Jim Moonan is offline
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.
I liked it as a poem and I like it even more as a piece of prose. Very fine storytelling, Glenn. It is compact and detail-oriented without being in the least bit verbose.

I feel the pain of inadequacy that Mr. Madigan repeatedly suffers. In fact, the story is all about Mr. Madigan, imo. I find it interesting that you first refer to him as Joe Madigan but then only as Mr. Madigan. It effectively isolates him. I get a sense that you did that intentionally to provide the reader with a dual identity for Mr.Madigan.


Some thoughts…

—I would suggest giving the reader some separation between paragraphs.

—I'd consider putting these phrases in italics vs. quotes and removing the comma within each: I love you Gela and Rest in Peace Angélica (Or perhaps all CAPS)

—I think you’ve formatted the dialog to read comfortably within the narrative. That’s a tricky thing to do.

—The juxtaposition of Madigan and the ethnicity of the grievers is beautifully understated/rendered. The gulf between the two is palpable.

—There is an empty hole of sadness to Mr. Madigan’s persona. It needs no filling. The emptiness of it says it all.

—The soft spot in the narrative is that it seems incongruent that Madigan was unaware that the funeral had taken place the day before. I would think that a student's suicide and the aftermath would have been uppermost on both the students and the faculty's minds — especially the assistant principal of the school. But he was only vaguely aware of events. That seems somewhat unbelievable to me. However, there is a depth to Mr. Madigan's personal sense of isolation in the job could explain his disconnectedness.

—The intriguing part of the story is the way you “quick sketch” the character of Mr. Madigan to be a study a man who has fallen out of touch with his role as an administrator/assistant principal and how it is manifested in the tragedy of the suicide.

—The final image of Madigan looking out his office window at the crowd that has gathered at the makeshift memorial is an Edward Hopper-like image of isolation and disconnectedness.

—The title is inspired; perfect.

(FYI, all these thoughts come from one casual reading.)

I like the story so much I'd be happy to read a slew of them. It is well-developed and brimming with coherent emotion. Imo, it's a great example of polished flash fiction.

.
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Unread 05-03-2024, 01:58 PM
Glenn Wright Glenn Wright is offline
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Hi, Jim—
Your comments are very helpful and encouraging. You zeroed in on exactly the effects I was hoping to convey. I took your advice on the typographical changes, and I agree that the extra space makes it feel less crunched together.

I tried to address the main character’s ignorance of the events by making it clear that he is quite new at his job and was isolated from his colleagues even when he was a classroom teacher. He has not taken any interest in the student’s death and does not even know that the para-educator was her mother. Although it is surprising that he does not know about the student’s funeral, I thought it was possible that his isolation from his colleagues, his being somewhat overwhelmed by his new duties, and his preference for dealing with non-personal issues would make his cluelessness believable. Perhaps I need to add a bit more context to sell that point.

Thanks so much for taking the time and effort to give me your perceptive critique. I really appreciate the feedback.
Glenn
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Unread 05-04-2024, 07:27 PM
John Riley John Riley is offline
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This could be almost half as long without the unnecessary modifiers and too-long, languid sentences. The pace is so slow. It reminded me of the opening chapters I skip whenever I read a Balzac novel.

I am not trying to be a jerk. I'm critiquing. There is too much explained. We are told what is what instead of seeing it and learning what we need to know from the story instead of the author. That undermines any hope of frisson. The reader is less invested.

My suggestion is to revise with an eye for movement and variety of pace. Move the story along. What is revealed will not be difficult to reveal while moving.

Hope this helps.
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Unread 05-04-2024, 08:56 PM
Glenn Wright Glenn Wright is offline
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Hi, John—

Thanks for weighing in. This is one of those pieces I can’t seem to find the right container for. It started as a 20-line poem, changed its POV, and then was repurposed as a short short story. I have two goals in mind:

My first goal is to explore and reveal the character of Mr. Madigan, specifically what makes him terrible at his job and unable to relate to the other characters in the story. My second goal is to challenge the common policy among public schools that prohibits memorials at school for deceased students, especially for suicides.

Perhaps I need to make sure my two goals are working together to create a coherent narrative. As far as pacing, I’m really not in a hurry. I want to establish the setting as a poorly run, large, urban high school. I also want to show a pattern in Mr. Madigan’s failed interactions with Fred, the woman, and the students. The languidness of my sentences is a cultivated characteristic of my prose style. (I like Faulkner better than Hemingway.) I will go back and see if I can find any unnecessary modifiers or sentences that need to be reconfigured. I’ll also check to see if I’m not giving the reader enough credit (admittedly one of my weaknesses) or over-explaining. If you could point out specific examples, I’d be appreciative.

I appreciate your taking the time and thought to give me your honest reaction. It is very helpful to know how my work lands with readers.
Glenn
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