[Matt Q]

John, Mignon and Jim,

Many thanks.

John,

I've taken "that served as their shelter" out.

Still not 100% sure if I prefer it. I think what's troubling me is "camp", which suggests a temporary location, and "cave" which is permanent. And I wonder if it's 100% clear now if the cave is in their camp or not. Though, on reflection, perhaps that doesn't matter.

Mignon,

Thanks for your suggestions. I've taken "just" out before "as easily ..." and added the missing "from" to the clothing line.

In P2, I'm assuming he has to chew the berries.

In P3, I'd say "who" is right. It refers to the subject of the clause, "all", so it's accusative rather than dative.

P4, I removed the full stop after the spoken text in P4&5. You're right it shouldn't be there. I think the commas you're suggesting after "Then," are optional, though, and I think I prefer them without.

Jim

Thanks for reading and commenting. Glad that it works for you, and the intention of the close comes across. I hoped it would come across without being spelled out.

thanks again all,

Matt

[mignon ledgard]

Matt,

I'll be lingering a while longer..

“They gave me small pieces of dried meat and berries to chew.”

Matt:
“In P2, I'm assuming he has to chew the berries.”

(I am smiling at your response to this one. I had not thought that, maybe, he was not strong enough to chew the jerky..)

Actually, I was trying to show how punctuation stiffens the delivery when it is not poetry. A professional editor once said that it is best to stick to the rules; I think doing so may help a longer piece to be consistent. But I realize that I’m no longer likely to obey the rules, unless it's about business or a legal document. In this case, it’s more about the stronger image.

It could also be:

‘They gave me berries and small pieces of dried meat to chew.”

Because chewing jerky is 'really' chewing, while most berries don’t need teeth to get mashed. This piece has more and more that I find in the Bible; it puts me to shame—me and my ignorance..

~mignon