Eratosphere Forums - Metrical Poetry, Free Verse, Fiction, Art, Critique, Discussions Able Muse - a review of poetry, prose and art

Forum Left Top

Notices

Reply
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #11  
Unread 05-14-2022, 05:55 PM
Allen Tice's Avatar
Allen Tice Allen Tice is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Brooklyn, NY USA
Posts: 5,905
Default

John Riley, I disagree about dropping ďatop the water.Ē Sometimes one can be too subtle. Itís a very clear image that enlarges the message in the previous line. Iíd restore that line because it is so vivid.
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Unread 05-15-2022, 08:22 AM
John Riley John Riley is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 5,350
Default

John, I appreciate you looking at this so deeply. I'm always trying to write something that uses only imagery to tell the story. I write it over and over and hope it's to the point where the unease, in this situation, and the awareness the end is closer than the beginning, are made evident only by what is seen instead of what is thought. I didn't think I'd succeeded at that when I posted it. (To be honest, I never think I've succeeded with any poem.) At this point, I think that if I make the changes you suggest it will be a different type of poem. That doesn't mean I won't do what you suggest, only that your comment indicates my original intention didn't work. That is what I wanted to know. I've worked on this poem much longer than it may appear. Looks as though there is more if I want to continue.

Allen, thanks. I keep all versions so will probably revisit that change.
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Unread 05-15-2022, 12:08 PM
James Brancheau James Brancheau is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: *
Posts: 2,319
Default

This is great work, John. For me, it's a striking mix of confident narrative and acute poetic image/sensibility. Probably my favorite of your recent work. I love the strolling moment- it's so effective, and accurate, I think. On top of the water they absolutely look like they're strolling, but it makes me think of their feet paddling hard. It also goes really well with the rest of that stanza, which is all about the speaker walking. I agree with David about the first four lines of S3. I might see a reason to keep them, but, as of now, not enough of a reason. Or I'm just missing what you're doing there. If you do keep them, I'd be tempted to play around with orange-breasted and the red cardinal- keeping the colors somehow. The napkin image and the close are two of my favorite parts.

Last edited by James Brancheau; 05-15-2022 at 12:17 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Unread 05-15-2022, 04:40 PM
Jim Moonan Jim Moonan is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 3,485
Default

.
Almost everything James said.
The strolling, the folded napkin, the close with its return to (dark) water... really fine word painting. To my ear, Buffalo Creek is a somehow ironic name for a poem that paints such pleasureable images. But it definitely works.
The scene you describe is so enticing I decided to try to find it on Google Earth. A quick look shows it to be nestled in the Smoky Mts. in the southwest corner of NC. Looks like a place I could definitely pull a Thoreau in for a couple of months : )

Definitely a favorite of mine of yours.
.
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Unread 05-15-2022, 07:13 PM
F.F. Teague's Avatar
F.F. Teague F.F. Teague is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2017
Location: Gloucestershire, UK
Posts: 1,766
Default

Hi John,

This is great. I really like your use of 'stroll' to describe the geese's movement, just right with 'roll' in line 3. I'm reminded of when the Canada geese come to my local park, not that they're allowed to stay. Our George Swan sees them off asap! I like the details of the 'swing sets' and especially 'the rusty, old slide'. I considered suggesting 'the rusty old slide' (no comma), but I see you have 'fine, old napkins' at the end of S2 and I like the echo.

I have no nits on S2 and the description of birdlife through S3 is excellent. I am a bit of a bird geek, of course. Should it be,

onyx shiny feathers
that always seem wet

? Just seems --> seem there

Best wishes,
Fliss
Reply With Quote
  #16  
Unread 05-16-2022, 10:08 AM
John Riley John Riley is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 5,350
Default

Thanks, guys. I am happy the imagery stands out. I worked on it for a while. I'm thinking that, perhaps, the issue is the ending. That instead of cutting out the lines, a theme needs to be developed with more care. There is something there in my mind but it needs more. It may not yet be balanced between theme and imagery. I'll see.

Thanks again.
Reply With Quote
  #17  
Unread 05-17-2022, 12:55 PM
John Riley John Riley is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 5,350
Default

Thanks, Allen and James, and Jim, and Fliss, for helping me keep my interest in this one alive.

I don't usually revise so much so soon but this one has been troubling me because I felt I may be near finishing it and I have been working on it for years. (When I look at it now it seems such a slip of a thing and I wonder how more productive people spend their time.) Anyway, I didn't think cutting the images was the solution. To my eye, it needed an ending. That's the approach I took, for better or for worse, and I would certainly appreciate any feedback on how it stands now.
Reply With Quote
  #18  
Unread 05-17-2022, 05:57 PM
John Isbell John Isbell is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: TX
Posts: 6,502
Default

Hi John,

So, to reiterate, I really like this poem. I don't much like your new ending, though: the poem up to then feels crisp, precise, perfect. This OTOH feels portentous, even bombastic to me:

though so much lies
beneath that water
where life began

I'm not sure that what you had already needed something else (I didn't think so), but I do feel that what it might need isn't this tone.

Cheers,
John
Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump



Forum Right Top
Forum Left Bottom Forum Right Bottom
 
Right Left
Member Login
Forgot password?
Forum LeftForum Right


Forum Statistics:
Forum Members: 8,261
Total Threads: 21,299
Total Posts: 269,040
There are 156 users
currently browsing forums.
Forum LeftForum Right


Forum Sponsor:
Donate & Support Able Muse / Eratosphere
Forum LeftForum Right
Right Right
Right Bottom Left Right Bottom Right

Hosted by ApplauZ Online