[Douglas G. Brown]

Julie,

Your vodka trumps my cider.

[John Whitworth]

Vodka can be made of old socks. But the best vodka is made from potatoes accordng to Wikepedia.

[Terese Coe]

The Wrong Kind of Apple

The truly meretricious
Apple is the Delicious,
Because anything that erect
Is simply incorrect.

I cannot bear a striped one
Or even an overhyped one,
And if your apple squirms,
Those things inside are worms.

I find most bakers lie
About which to use for pie
In New York, because Upstate
Your pie determines your fate.

That is, if you’re a female.
Still, the occasional he-male
Likes to show his skills
With the Granny Smiths he grills.

edited 7-13

[Jayne Osborn]

I really thought I could beat you to this one, John, having written just such a poem which I'd entered for a competition somewhere else a while ago. I found it, copied it, checked before post-pasting it - and discovered that it's a winner in the aforesaid comp. Bugger. Now I'll have to write another one.

Annie,
No you won't. Send it in. I can boast (as I've done here once or twice before, ahem) that I've won The Speccie and The Oldie with the same poem! I've never seen either of the comps stipulate that entries can't have appeared elsewhere; they don't seem bothered about that, thankfully.

Jayne

PS. Re Please tell me I can use "come" innocently. Julie,... Hmm, not sure I can tell you, in the context you've used it

[Jayne Osborn]

My ‘latex mother-in-law’ (that’s late and ex-)
had loathed me at first sight; I got the look
which summed me up: She’s only after sex,
she’s far too thin and she’s a useless cook.
Hah! Unbeknown to her, my apple pie
had earned me prizes (labelled, once, ‘World Class’)
but when I cut a piece she gave a sigh:
“It’s sour, the pastry’s soggy, fruit’s quite sparse;
what kind of apples have you used? They’re gross.’’
I told her, “Bramleys. I think they’re the best.”
The knife still in my hand, I came up close
behind her and… I think you might have guessed
what happened next. The judge had sympathised
with me in court. “You poor young thing,” he said,
“Bramleys are best. Your choice was criticised
unfairly; it’s her fault that woman’s dead.”

[John Whitworth]

And the judge was quite right. Nice one, Jayne. Do they have Bramleys in the States or is it only we who are so blessed?

[Brian Allgar]

A good one, Jayne.

Would line 12 be better as "... I think you may have guessed"?

Bramleys are excellent for cooking, although the best eating apple is the Cox's Orange Pippin. Try finding them in France, the land of the Golden Pernicious.

[John Whitworth]

The French have a splendid cuisine but it does not extend to puddings. They have no idea how to make an apple pie.

[Ann Drysdale]

True; they get 'em all arse-over-tit. Tarte Tatin? Yes, please.

[Jayne Osborn]

Would line 12 be better as "... I think you may have guessed"?

It may/might be better, Brian, but I decided on might because of the assonance with knife in the previous line. Plus, I've already submitted it to "Tessa".

The French have a splendid cuisine but it does not extend to puddings.

John, the French are far more inventive in their puddings than with their main courses - dominated by boeuf bourguignon and coq au vin - giving us the splendid crème brulée, the aforementioned tarte tatin, choux à la crème, to name but three...

(Neither do the French (in my experience) serve a profusion of lovely vegetables, as we do.)

Brian may - or might - have a different view on this.

Jayne