[David Callin]

REVISION

On stormy nights, when all the trees are swaying,
I think of that green hill, not far away,
the little citadel of weathered stones
where your scant remains are stowed below

in a lacquered box I carried there myself
after your passage through the winnowing fire.
What alchemy revivifies such ashes?
I failed to ask the vicar, pushed for time.

That was June, a busy month for you.
So were they all. Only the weather changed.
And we were comforted by scenes of distant
hay-making, and dreamt-of harvest homes.

ORIGINAL

On stormy nights, when all the trees are swaying,
I think of that green hill, not far away,
the little citadel of weathered stones
where your scant remains are stowed below

in a lacquered box I carried there myself
after your passage through the winnowing fire.
What alchemy revivifies such ashes?
I failed to ask the vicar, pushed for time.

That was June. A busy month for you,
once, as, once, so were they all, and we
were comforted by scenes of distant
hay-making, and dreamt-of harvest homes.

[Matt Q]

I really like this David.

At first I wondered a little about S2L4, whether the jokey tone works, was it was a bit of a throwaway line. But rereading I can hear a note of self-recrimination, and also a reference to death, a sense that we are all ultimately pushed for time, that works well with the theme of busyness in S3. And now the line seems a lot less like a throwaway, and more poignant. I can also read the last two lines as the comfort being somewhat hollow. The N and the deceased being too busy with the everyday, comforted by ideas of something in the distance, by dreams. Perhaps dreams of when the distant fruits of their busyness might be harvested.

Some nits/issues.

The first stanza seems more songlike than the rest, because it slant-rhymes AABB: Swaying / Away and "stones"/"below". Maybe that was accidental? Even so, it sets up an expectation of more rhyme, and I find myself a little disappointed when this doesn't continue. I'd love to see the whole thing rhyme, but I realise that's quite an ask.

Metrically, S1L4 strikes me as ambiguous. I tend to hear tetrameter, "where your SCANT reMAINS". This is an issue with headless lines (which is what you're after?) If they don't start with a naturally stressed syllable, the first syllable may not be heard as stressed: something I remember Timothy Steele flagging up. You do something similar in S3L1 where I can hear "that was JUNE, a BUSy", though it didn't wrong-foot me as much as S1L4.

best,

Matt

[Carl Copeland]

David, so much sadness and simple beauty. L1 seems to flirt with cliché or banality, but that may be no more than my quirky impression.

It’s unseemly for a mourner to be “pushed for time,” so I decided it was the vicar, though the grammar does point more at the N, and Matt has me rethinking that decision.

I wasn’t going to mention the apparently headless S1L4, but I had exactly the same reaction to it as Matt. S3L1 doesn’t bother me, because I hear a stressed “That.”

The only thing that really knocked me for a loop was the choppy, comma-crammed “you, once, as, once, so.” Could I at least get you to remove the commas around the second “once”? The following conjunction made me (and Matt) think “we” was “you and I,” though second thoughts told me it was likely those at the burial who were “comforted.”

I didn’t know what a “harvest home” was, but it’s the perfect note to end on. All in all, a lovely elegy.

P.S. for Matt: Since you aren’t wrong-footed by S3L4, are you giving a slight, promoted stress to “-ing”? Contrary to received wisdom, I’d read this line as headless tetrameter with three consecutive unstressed syllables (“-making and”), though I suppose the difference is more one of description than of sound.

[Matt Q]

Hi again, David,

Looking again at the close, I hadn't spotted that S3L3 is tetrameter.

were COMfortED by SCENES of DIStant

Hi Carl,

Yes, I hear the last line as pentameter, promoting the "ing".

Apparently in the US (or at the least the part the OED sampled), there's a secondary-stress on "make". In the UK and presumably for the Manx, too, this is an unstressed syllable (though again, there may be regional variations). The former pronunciation maybe makes it unnecessary/unnatural to promote the third syllable -- as you don't three equally weighted consecutive syllables. But in that case, with the third syllable unpromoted, would that be three unstressed syllables? I guess I'd say it would be, "HAY | MAKing | and DREAMT- | ...", since in the second foot "MAK" would be noticeably stronger than "ing". At least if we're marking up relative stresses and not absolute stresses. But I guess that could just be down to scansions conventions we adopt.


Matt

[Carl Copeland]

Hi, Matt. I’m resistant to stressing “-ing” in a disyllabic word, no matter how slightly, so your US secondary stress works better for me, though I don’t think I get that naturally. Admittedly, I’ve been away for so long that I’m no longer a good indicator, and I may not always be listening closely enough to my own voice.

[Carl Copeland]

What just happened? I hit 1,500 posts and got five stars added to my three! I’ll enjoy my stardom while it lasts.

[Matt Q]

Originally Posted by Carl Copeland

Hi, Matt. I’m resistant to stressing “-ing” in a disyllabic word

I'd assumed this was a trisyllabic word.

Ok, to be fair, David's hyphenated it, but dictionaries have it as "haymaking". Maybe he has his reasons. But I guess I still pronounced it the same, as if it were "haymaking".

I dunno, is there a difference between "hay making", "hay-making" and "haymaking"? I think I'd be inclined to hear "HAY MAKing" and "HAYmaking".

Anyway, whatever the case is with hyphenated words, I guess I'm pronouncing it as if it were "haymaking", the standard spelling. Maybe I shouldn't.

Congrats on the stardom! Do I need to salute now?

best,

Matt

[Rick Mullin]

Hi David

I like this, especially the tone. Nice imagery in the opening.

This line, however, is more or less a rock in the canoe:

once, as, once, so were they all, and we

It's particularly tough in isolation, but even read in the context of the sentence, I have a hard time with it.

Rick

[Carl Copeland]

Originally Posted by Matt Q

I'd assumed this was a trisyllabic word.

Right you are, and I even stress it as a trisyllabic word with one stress, as you do. I was just trying to figure out why I’m so resistant to stressing “-ing” and thought maybe it was because “makING” sounds awkward, whereas I wouldn’t balk at “HAPpenING.” Who knows.

Originally Posted by Matt Q

Congrats on the stardom!

I’m more convinced than ever now that stardom doesn’t mean much, but I can’t help trying to figure out the algorithm. Maybe it’s just random, and today I hit the jackpot.

[David Callin]

Thanks Matt. Glad it struck you positively. As for your nits ...

I agree with you about S1. I don't think I started out intentionally rhyming there, but that's clearly what I've ended up with. I wonder whether I should try to extend that to the other stanzas, or maybe just unrhyme the first.

S1L4 sounds okay to me, but that may be because I am stressing "where" more than you would like.

Carl, thank you for that. It was the vicar who was (I thought) pushed for time. I thought the grammar worked there, but I can see that it can be ambivalent.

Let me think about that "once" too.

Originally Posted by Matt Q

Hi again, David,

Looking again at the close, I hadn't spotted that S3L3 is tetrameter.

Ah, it is, Matt. It's a fair cop. I tried to find a way of making it pentameter, but it didn't seem to work to the poem's advantage.

Thanks Rick. Carl objected to that line too. I think you're both right. I will take it in hand.

Originally Posted by Carl Copeland

What just happened? I hit 1,500 posts and got five stars added to my three! I’ll enjoy my stardom while it lasts.

Reach for the stars, Carl!

Cheers all (however starry)

David