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  #1  
Unread 03-08-2021, 11:02 PM
Golias Golias is offline
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Default Redemption

The Redemption of Singing Tommy Tiferteller

At Chelsea piers where we came to board our ships
Miss Linda Lee appeared to say goodbye.
The rose-hued kiss she lifted from my lips
lay upon her white mouchoir which I
vowed to keep more closely than my name,
and did till in Ceylon, a country strange to me,
it fell into my laundry and became
a whited augury foretelling change to me.
Home from sea I found Miss Linda gone
to earn in TV and in film the fame
she craved, and by hard work and talent won.
Out of voice, I did not try the same,
but let her go and followed dimmer stars
singing for tips and booze in Bowery bars.

Last winter she heard, from one we both had known,
where I had last been seen and on what ending
I seemed intent. She came to my shelter alone.
The Linda Lee I knew, not condescending,
but with all respectful kindness, asked me
how I did and whether there was any
thing I needed. Then she gently tasked me
with failing to write or find her for so many
years. I tried but could not make reply,
so took her mouchoir from inside my coat
and gave it back to her. The tears that I
and she then wept she wiped with it. She wrote
last week with a check, enough to last me a year or so,
and saying “Meet me in June in Paris.” I will go
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  #2  
Unread 03-09-2021, 03:17 AM
conny conny is offline
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in L.1 the word...where...is redundant. it kills the meter.
L.2 scans obviously but both 1 and 2 need a reboot imo.
not sure how weded you are the the word miss but
i'd have it..

At Chelsea pier we came to board our ships
and Linda Lee arrived to say goodbye,

also,
L.4 has stress at syllables 3 and 5 which again puts a big
spanner in the engine.
L.6 has 12 syllables, same effect.
L.8 also

etc.

which is a shame, as i like the story.

but, the way its told matters quite a bit, around these parts
anyhow. straightened out i think it would be a great read.



.................................................. .............................
Quote:
Originally Posted by Golias View Post
The Redemption of Singing Tommy Tiferteller

At Chelsea piers where we came to board our ships
Miss Linda Lee appeared to say goodbye.
The rose-hued kiss she lifted from my lips
lay upon her white mouchoir which I
vowed to keep more closely than my name,
and did till in Ceylon, a country strange to me,
it fell into my laundry and became
a whited augury foretelling change to me.
Home from sea I found Miss Linda gone
to earn in TV and in film the fame
she craved, and by hard work and talent won.
Out of voice, I did not try the same,
but let her go and followed dimmer stars
singing for tips and booze in Bowery bars.

Last winter she heard, from one we both had known,
where I had last been seen and on what ending
I seemed intent. She came to my shelter alone.
The Linda Lee I knew, not condescending,
but with all respectful kindness, asked me
how I did and whether there was any
thing I needed. Then she gently tasked me
with failing to write or find her for so many
years. I tried but could not make reply,
so took her mouchoir from inside my coat
and gave it back to her. The tears that I
and she then wept she wiped with it. She wrote
last week with a check, enough to last me a year or so,
and saying “Meet me in June in Paris.” I will go
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  #3  
Unread 03-09-2021, 09:53 AM
Golias Golias is offline
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Location: Lewisburg, PA, USA
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Thanks for trying to help, Conny.
However it appears you and I may hear the lines differently, so it's best that I stick to my tune. For example, in L1, 'where we CAME" is an anapest placed to divide the line and avoid a full line of iambs. But allso, 'Where' has importance for the sense. In the New York area there are numerous places where passenger or troop ships can dock. In such a case 'where'' is the normal way to emphasize that specific place "where we came." Putting an anapest, dactyl, even a headless iamb, ionic minor or spondee into some of the lines,can produces a rocking rhythm less tiresome than all iambic in a longish poem.
"Miss" signifies that the woman is young and unmarried, and that the man is jocularly polite to young women. The model for Miss Linda Lee is Miss Brenda Lee, a very young girl singer from the Grand Old Opry, who, for a short while, competed with Elvis in popularity.
Gracias for liking the story. I don't often do narratives of any length, but this one recently came to me in thinking of the time, place and circumstances of the 1940's and 50's in Manhattan.

Wiley

Last edited by Golias; 03-09-2021 at 10:21 AM.
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  #4  
Unread 03-09-2021, 11:39 AM
conny conny is offline
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well fair enough. i come in peace. but, seeing as this is the deep end..,

where we came

isn't an anapest. where is a much longer sound than we ,
by at least a factor of 3, maybe 4. with a stopwatch i can make the
word where last for much longer than the word we.

that means it can't carry the same amount of stress. if fact it's much
closer in length, and sound, to came but can't be demoted due
to its position in the line. making it cretic in my opinion, long-short-long.
we is a short sound, no way around it, different in nature to
the other two words.

meaning, for me, you have 6 beats not 5. if that's deliberate, then
fine, but this is line 1 and no kind of meter has been established yet,
apart from the opening 2 iambs which is not enough to allow me as a reader
to ignore the word where .

also, why bother telling me you are where you are? the first 4
words are showing me you're at chelsea piers. tell me twice
if you want, but it sounds a little odd to do so.
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  #5  
Unread 03-09-2021, 01:53 PM
Golias Golias is offline
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Location: Lewisburg, PA, USA
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where we came' can be equal in sound to 'if we came,' 'when we came' and even 'though we came.' The number of letters means nothing so long as the sound is that of a single syllable. All depends on the stress we hear or give to the written word, whether aloud or to ourselves.

Wiley.

Last edited by Golias; 03-09-2021 at 02:25 PM.
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  #6  
Unread 03-09-2021, 03:21 PM
conny conny is offline
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single syllables often have different sonic lengths. Just because we is a single
it doesn’t make it the same as the single syllable which it sits beside. Either
in speech or on the page.
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  #7  
Unread 03-09-2021, 06:24 PM
Bill Marsh Bill Marsh is offline
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Location: Toronto, Canada
Posts: 38
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Yes indeed. "Reached" and "it" are both one syllable but the former is several times longer than the later. A neglected aspect of prosody. It is largely quantities that make this beautiful:
The moan of doves in immemorial elms
The murmuring of innumerable bees
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