[Jan Iwaszkiewicz]

REVISION

the crow calls
beak-struck
a lamb buckles

a lone rifle
sharp barks
the crow falls

drought-dried
thick blood
a ewe staggers

black feathers
shrunken udders
nothing matters


ORIGINAL

The crow calls,
beak struck
a lamb buckles.

A lone rifle
sharp barks.
The crow falls.

Drought drained,
a ewe staggers
Through crow feathers.

Thick blood,
shrunken udders.
Nothing matters.

[Alder Ellis]

Maybe:

The crow calls.
Beak-struck,
a lamb buckles.

And then, in S3, another clarifying hyphenation, “Drought-drained,” & I see no reason for “Through” to be capitalized.

Overall, impressively bleak. The image of S3, the ewe staggering through the feathers of the crow which, before being shot, was preying on the ewe’s lamb, is, when you think about it, over-the-top, but the extreme spareness of the dimeter lets it work as a rather extraordinary emblem.

“Feed my sheep” (another dimeter) stands provocatively against the last line, “Nothing matters.” Its biblical provenance (John 21) is perhaps irrelevant; it comes across, perhaps, as a reproachful appeal to a God who lets such things happen. “Nothing matters” sits uneasily between permanent fact & temporary feeling.

[R. Nemo Hill]

Pow.

I've give a look at it without punctuations, Jan, perhaps even all lower case. I feel like the poem on the page needs to distract as little as possible from the force of the images.

Nemo

[W T Clark]

I'm curious (more than suggesting) as to what would happen if the last two lines were switched around. The images come in a savage flurry. It is the same with Plath's moor poem. There is a kind of beastial, almost deranged, energy. — "Pow" indeed!
Hope this helps.

[Rick Mullin]

Hi Jan,

I think Alder Ellis's suggestion for punctuating the first stanza would give the reader firmer footing at the start.

Overall, I really like the one/two of incantation. S3L3 has a "three". Maybe that's good for breaking things up. Or maybe sticking with a two-count there would be vest.

Very edgy stream of images.

Rick

[Julie Steiner]

I think others have good suggestions, so I won't repeat them, or even endorse one over others. You'll decide. Good work.

[Jan Iwaszkiewicz]

Thank you Alder,

You have helped me greatly

OTT? Most definitely not. Drought on the land is a terrible thing. Sheep bogged in the clay of the dam or the riverbed, weak and bleating in sight and smell of the puddles left. Eagles so engorged that they cannot fly. The lost, last look in the sheep’s eye fading when shot. I have tried here to reduce, to desiccate and concentrate the images.

The provenance is right and is reproach for the existence of natural evil. There is no fertile ground however, for theodicy here.

Thank you Nemo you are so right and more importantly I have listened.

Hi Cameron thank you, I have decided however to let it stand with Alder’s and Nemo’s suggestions. Plath? Hughes? I will have to revisit.

You are right Rick. I have taken Alder’s as well as Nemo’s suggestions.

Thank you Julie.

I have also recast S3 and S4 to improve the logic path.

[David Callin]

Originally Posted by Jan Iwaszkiewicz

Plath? Hughes? I will have to revisit.

It was one of Hughes's poems that came to mind for me, Jan. And also one by George Mackay Brown, I will try to find them both.

The title has a bitter irony. Well chosen.

Cheers

David