[Alexandra Baez]

Jim, wow! You've really made a sea change in a positive direction. I think your instincts are pointing you in some really good directions now. I especially love the part starting "I felt myself being fossilized"--I think the poem's most effective language starts here--and I love the clever way you've incorporated your "notes," at the end in italics, into a part of the conscious experience related by the n. The two-part, big-small, interrelated-yet-distinct effect of the poem reminds me of the haibun form, with its prose poetry beginning and its haiku ending. From the outset, I'm also much more captivated by the shape of this version of the poem because with its increased width and length, it's much more dramatic. "Flash-Frozen" is also interesting to me because it suggests not only a physical act, but a mental one--freezing this moment in time mentally.

I think there are still some places where you could tune things up a bit--places where the language seems borrowed from other sources, like

the panorama of sea and sky and land sculpted
by winds and tides and glacial flows,

I also wonder about the semicolons here:

and place in lines;
like relics on a table;
like staccato notes:

I'd be inclined to write this more straightforwardly:

and place in lines
like relics on a table,
like staccato notes:

BUT it does appear that you've had a visit from a muse.

[R. Nemo Hill]

Jim, I would reverse the italics, italicize the beginning, and un-italicize the end.

Nemo

[Jim Moonan]

.
Thanks for coming back Alexandra. You are right about the flurry of semicolons. I’m always experimenting/tinkering. My thinking was that the semicolons would create a stiffening cadence, a freezing, fossilizing effect; as if the flow of words was slowly turning to ice. But it didn't work so I took them out.

Nemo, Hmm, that’s an interesting observation! I’ve taken your suggestion and think I like the effect. It occurred to me, too, that parentheses might work to distinguish the beginning from the ending but I’m not sure about that.

I’ve continued to clean up/hone the phrasing. I’m aware that I often over-think things. But I’m beginning to reign that in. I’ve worked to rid the poem of any extraneous wording to stay true to a minimalist feel to the overall expression. I've also looked closely ate some of the wording for accuracy and discovered better words, I think, in many spots.

It doesn't belong here on metrical, but I'm happy with it in spite of that.

.

[Michael Cantor]

I'm sorry, Jim, but the addition is overwritten to the point of parody, and bears no relation to the original poem. I'm still where I was originally. I liked the concept of the original, but it was too spare. Another stanza - in the same style, but expanding on the first, and using the same hints and whispers, would help. But what you've done is bolt off in a different direction, the two parts don't work together, and the wordy-wordy-wordy addition just doesn't work, period!

[Jim Moonan]

.
Michael, I think the word you were looking for is "effusive" : ) I was trying to evoke the overwhelming milieu/scape I found myself in. Effusiveness came and I ran with it.

I took up your challenge and have come up with a revision that is more compatible with what was/is the minimalist heartbeat of the poem.

.

[Michael Cantor]

That's less effusive - and better - but the two halves of the song are still notably different, don't work together. Howzabout something like this (except for sing-song I basically used your words - but less of them.) It didn't really work at first because S1 had seven lines and S2 nine - but then I moved "sea slushy slow" to S1 and whored the line a bit - and now the image works, but the poem is forced. Oh well. Maybe it will give you some ideas.

I
thaw
tonight
excavate
relic bones
dug from dunes
sea slushy slower
staccato sing-song:

snow topped sand
stiff dune grass
spume waves
sky fog gray
white sun
ice wind
and
I

(Added in): Reverse the order of the two stanzas and it may work better. Maybe.

[Jim Moonan]

.
Michael, It’s been a thrill to see this finally come into focus. I’ve continued to piggyback on your revisions and (if only for the moment) am happy with the way it looks and sounds and reflects the original minimalist vibe I wanted. The symmetricality you’ve brought to it is very satisfying.

I don’t know if it’s mine anymore, but it really doesn’t matter. Only the thrill matters, I think. Thanks for bringing this under control. I’d say I owe you one but what could I possibly give you?

I’ve wrestled with the title from the beginning. I decided to disengage it from the minimalist aura of the poem and make the title something of a full disclosure statement that I hope helps the reader orient themselves to the place and time.

Thanks again for your help galvanizing this little poem that doesn’t belong here.

.

[Jan Iwaszkiewicz]

Hi Jim,

This has progressed wonderfully. ‘Crackling’ is right. I am unsure of it’s placement on Met. But as it is a progression it would be churlish to question. The concrete format is perfect.

I like!

Jan

[Alexandra Baez]

Jim, I do rather like the premise of this condensation. But starting at "etched," the syntax has my head in a knot:

I
thaw
by fire
tonight
excavate
relic bones
dug from dunes
etched skull notes
this crackling song:

What are you actually trying to say here? Are "crackling song" and "etched skull notes" both supposed to modify "relic bones"? That is, if one were to "translate" this passage into more normal speech, would it read something like "I thaw by fire tonight and excavate relic bones dug from dunes, to find in their etched skull notes this crackling song"? If so, how can one excavate bones after they've already been dug from dunes? I think that the dearth of punctuation and spareness of language here are causing some comprehensibility problems.