[Michael Cantor]

Weather Report Revision 1 (changes in blue)

This was once a broad and pleasant beach
with rows of dunes between the homes and sea.
But now it’s stripped: we look on hopelessly
as waters surge and congregate to breach
a neighbor’s tortured cottage – then a screech
of aging timber breaking, and it’s free,
and what was once a house is now debris.
This rolling sea has lessons yet to teach.
Something is wrong within our universe,
and something says that next year will be worse.

This season’s storms that roiled our sea with spears
of rain have scrubbed the beach; flayed back the skin
and sand that hide the things that lay within –
exposed the past - an ancient scow now rears
its head, and trapped between huge rocks appears
to struggle to repress a jagged grin.
The hull is rotted where a sail had been.
Cascades of waves expose our greatest fears.
We watch the neighbor, interviewed on Fox,
and add two meters to a wall of rocks.

This world has changed, and we must change as well,
before our problems start to multipy.
We’ll pile massive block on block as high
as gulls can fly, to stifle and repel
the crush of tides, the awful dead fish smell.
We’ll pray each night – what else is there to try?
And if the sea continues to defy,
and rallies for a final, fatal swell,
if walls and faith cannot withstand assault –
at least we’ll know that it was not our fault.

Revisions:
S1L3 was "but now it’s stripped, and we watch fearfully"
S2L6: was "grapple"
S3L4: added comma

Weather Report

This was once a broad and pleasant beach
with rows of dunes between the homes and sea,
but now it’s stripped, and we watch fearfully
as waters surge and gather to besiege
a neighbor’s tortured cottage – then a screech
of aging, breaking timber, and it’s free,
and what was once a house is now debris.
This rolling sea has lessons yet to teach.
We watch the neighbor, interviewed on Fox,
and add two meters to a wall of rocks.

This season’s storms that roiled our sea with spears
of rain have scrubbed the beach; flayed back the skin
and sand that hide the things that lay within –
exposed the past - an ancient scow now rears
its head, and trapped between huge rocks appears
to grapple to repress a jagged grin.
The hull is rotted where a sail had been.
Cascades of waves expose our greatest fears.
Something is wrong within our universe,
and something says that next year will be worse.

This world has changed, and we must change as well,
before our problems start to multiply.
We’ll pile massive brick on brick as high
as gulls can fly to block the tidal swell,
the rush of stone, the stench that hints of Hell.
We’ll pray each night – what else is there to try?
And if the sea continues to defy,
and rallies for a final, fatal swell,
if walls and faith cannot withstand assault –
at least we’ll know that it was not our fault.

[E. Shaun Russell]

Michael -- this is great, and what I like most about it is the subtlety with which the speaker is characterized as a climate-change-denier who cannot see the relationship between cause and effect. You take a lot of care to not make this point overt, which really adds to the reading experience for me. It's also what makes your consistent use of the pathetic fallacy so effective. The world is full of people who are fully aware of consequences, but are willfully ignorant to the causes.

Anyhow, I think the content here works very well. The "Fox" reference in S1L9 might tip your hand a bit too much too early, but maybe that's necessary. Might you consider moving it to the next stanza -- swap out with the S2 couplet? Regardless, I do wonder if it should be so prominent that it's an end-rhyme in the first stanza.

I would far prefer S1L1 to read "Once this was" rather than "This once was" -- it feels a bit awkward to me how it is now.

The "within" in S2L9 is bugging me too. Obviously "There's something wrong in our universe" impacts the meter, so that's out...but perhaps you can find another word for "wrong." I was thinking "rotten" ("There's something rotten in our universe") which has a nice echo of Hamlet, but you use "rotted" earlier, so perhaps not. Either way, "within" just feels off.

That's about it. To my eye, it's mostly done as is, but I'm guessing some tweaks can only improve it.


EDITED TO ADD: After reading Jim's comments, I took another look and realized that making my S1L1 change disrupts the parallel structure with the first lines of other stanzas. I still feel the syntax of the all-important first line is a little off, but on second thought, it's more of a quibble than a complaint.

[Jim Moonan]

.
First, the title is excellent.

Second, the first stanza could easily stand alone, yet without the next two stanzas it would be less a poem than it is as part of the whole.

Third, the N's voice is unquestionably salt-laden and speaks from a place of intimacy that is bursting synergy.

Fourth, the cadence and rhyme are deft.

Fifth, the imagery approaches tangibleness, especially the imaginary imagery in S2.

Sixth, the movement from start to finish sounds like thoughts spoken aloud. I will never again feel distain for someone who passes by me in deep conversation with themselves.

Seventh, there is a "Call me Ishmael" quality to the narrative.

Eighth, the poem is obviously born from the storms that Plum Island has been pounded by this winter. I've thought of you a few times while watching the news/weather.

Ninth, I agree with all of Shaun's comments except possibly his suggestion that the opening line could be tweaked to read, Once this was vs. This once was. I like the directness of and energy in This once was.

Tenth, you had me at dunes.

.

[Joe Crocker]

I See’s Shaun’s difficulty with S2L9. “Something is wrong within our universe,” which to be read in IP requires the stress on ”something”. You could try splitting the word to “some thing” which has an echo of Yeats’ rough beast with “its hour come at last”. But it doesn’t hurt to trip the reader up every now and then.

I also noticed a repetition of “swell” as the end rhyme in S3 L4 &8. If did want another “ell” rhyme in L8, how about

"and swings to sound a final, fatal knell.” Which sounds suitably biblical.

I also enjoyed the subtlety of the dull-witted Godfearing fatalism.

[Roger Slater]

Joe, an initial trochee doesn't derail the IP at all. It's a very standard substitution that you see all the time. (Consider, for example, the first line of Sonnet 27, "Weary with toil, I haste me to my bed." You don't have to say "wearY" to make it work). In fact, the first line of Michael's poem also starts with a trochee, and it doesn't seem to have bothered you.

[Julie Steiner]

A line about something being wrong seems the perfect spot to off-foot people metrically.

My two quibbles are the hyphen in S2L4, which should be an en dash, and S3L3's "massive brick on brick." Bricks, being made of clay, can't be made too big and heavy, or their weight will damage the bricks beneath them. Perhaps "massive block on block," and change the "block" in the next line?

I love the self-absolution at the end.

[Matt Q]

Hi Michael,

This works very well for me. Building a big wall, after all, is the answer to all life's problems. I particularly like the sense of menace in S2, the line-break on "spears", the flaying and the rotting. And what a great turn in the closing line.

I wonder a bit about "besiege", which arguably rhymes as well with "sea" as it does with "beach" and potentially confuses as the rhyme scheme has yet to be fully established at this point. Plus it seems to be the only slant rhyme. I wondered if you could something with "breach", which shouldn't take much tweaking. For example, "as waters surge and thunder forth to breach ...

S1L10, maybe "our wall of rocks" or "the wall of rocks"? As it stands, it sounded to me a bit like there are multiple walls and they pick one. I can see it doesn't have to be read that way, though.

I wonder a bit about "something says that next year will be worse". What thing says that? It's maybe the use of "say" that seems slightly off to me. Do you mean the have a feeling this will be the case? In which case, maybe "and something tells me/us ..."? Or "and something whispers next year ...".

"mulitipy" in S3L2 is a typo

We’ll PILE MASSive BRICK on BRICK as HIGH

I mean, I can sort of make "pile" close to two syllables, but it's a diphthong -- a single syllable. Or maybe it isn't where you are? Anyway, all your other lines are strict IP so I just thought I'd flag this one up.

best,

Matt

[Susan McLean]

Michael, I like it. I do feel that "besiege" is a bit weak as a rhyme. Perhaps something like "as waters surge and gather force to reach" for S1L4? Like Joe, I noticed the identity rhyme of "swell" in S3. Can you do something with "quell" or "dispel" for one of them? I preferred the "dead-fish smell" to "the stench that hints of Hell," which is just too vague. I could believe that surging waters might trap fish on the shore, where they would die. And that smell is certainly repellent. Also, in S3L5 I have trouble picturing a "rush of stone" due to the wave action. Stones tend to move slowly. What are you trying to convey with that phrase?

Susan

[David Callin]

I prefer "the awful dead fish smell" too, but perhaps the replacement line suggests the character of the speaker more clearly.

Cheers

David

[Michael Cantor]

Thanks, all, for the generous and helpful responses.

Shaun - very good suggestion about swapping out the closing couplets in S1 and S2, and I will do that. It gives a better arc to the poem. However (I don't want to be too nice to you) I agree with Jim on This once was - I read it as a headless IP line. (I also have to admit that I didn't realize that all three stanzas started with "This" - but now that you pointed it out, I'll take full credit - it was my subconscious poet what done it. And, yes, it's another reason for staying with This once was.)

Your suggestion regarding "within" would make sense with the original poem, but since I have switched the closing couplets (per your suggestion), it would now be in the first stanza - and that's too soon for a stronger word.

Jim - Thanks for the good words and the encouraging reaction. I'm aware of the serious weather on Plum Island this winter - my step-son keeps us informed. Plum Island in February can be charming and cosy for a long weekend when you're in your forties or fifties - but suicidal for codgers - and Valori and I haven't been there in February for many years. We're essentially Santa Fe residents now, with a few months on the Island at the end of summer and into October. So the poem is built on memories - we lost about six houses in our area to a northeaster over ten years ago - rather than today's headlines. But the sea persists.

Joe - See Roger's comment (below) on S2L9. He's got it!

Thanks for catching the duplication on "swell". That slithered right past me. "Knell" is a good substitute, but I think I'll go with the angrier "resurges for a final, crashing knell".

I hope the god-fearing fatalism isn't overdone. None of the people I know on Plum Island think that way. (Of course, I wouldn't be caught dead associating with the people who do.) I'm hoping that it will be read in a broader sense.

Roger - You got it! Thanks.

Julie - I'm a sucker for the WORD - EM DASH - WORD approach with spaces surrounding the em dash, but it'a nuisance to use, so I generally end up with en dashes.

I'm not sure "bricks" is a show-stopper, but your comments led me to:

We’ll pile massive block on block as high
as gulls can fly to stop the tidal swell,

which works better sonically, and hopefully makes us both happy.

Matt - you have a point about "besiege". I wasn't looking for perfect rhymes, but it worked out that way except for "besiege" - so "breach it is. Thanks.

"Pile" is one of those "wild card" words ("fire" is other example) which - in my opportunistic and slightly sleazy mind - can function as one or two syllables depending on what comes before or after.

"A wall of rocks" sounds best to me. Can't say why. Same thing with "something says..." - it's in the air. Will fix the typo, and thanks.

Susan - "besiege" is out, per my comments to Mat above. And a "swell" sleeps with the fishes per help from you and Joe.

I agree on "dead fish smell" - will switch back to what I had originally.

By "rush of stone" I was referring to the noise made by the rush of small stones (and shells, and the occasional bottle or used contraceptive) swept in by the incoming tide. Particularly in the quiet of the night it is a very distinctive sound.

David - "dead fish" it is!

Thanks, all for the help. I have to take care of some family biz for a few hours, but will have a revision, embodying the points discussed above, up later this evening.

Revision now posted.