[Carl Copeland]

Thoughts on draft three plus blue plus brown:

     “Who are you, endowed—adorned—with more
heavenly grace than mortal woman’s due?

This is nicely phrased now, but I wish you could fill that space in L1 without doubling the word. All I could think of was “the recipient of more”—not very pretty.

so when I'm on my way, I’m seen by none.

I still vote for “until their rush has blinded everyone,” except that I don’t have a vote.

so when I’ve come, none recognizes me.
     The back part of my head lacks any trace
of hair, so people scrabble uselessly
when I’ve passed by—or turned, if that’s the case.”

I don’t think the new perfects mix well with the simple present and only muddy the sense.

She’ s kept by those who can’t keep hold of me.

Those who can’t keep hold of opportunity keep regret? I suggest reverting to the more elegant “She seizes those who can’t take hold of me.”

don’t see, poor soul, and don’t yet fathom, that
     already I have slipped right through your hands!”

I’d say the comma after “fathom” is optional. If you’re thinking of “and don’t yet fathom” as parenthetical, fine.