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  #31  
Unread 06-12-2021, 05:48 AM
Matt Q Matt Q is offline
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Hi Mark,

I'm glad you've reverting to lying down in the final S. In addition to the tactile nature of the line, which I mentioned before, there's also the way "die" and "lie down" seem to work together, almost as if the lying down is an echo of death.

All distances closing,
horizon to pack
on this track, all our arms
embracing, encircling.


I can't parse this: "horizon to pack on this track" , and I don't understand it. What are you trying to say here?


Matt
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  #32  
Unread 06-12-2021, 06:20 AM
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R. Nemo Hill R. Nemo Hill is online now
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For uncommon all you'd have to to is italicize the un, and/or hyphenate the word.
That would cue a reader sufficiently as to how to read the meter.

we've un-common need.

I'm with Matt about the horizon to pack of this track bit, seems obsure to me, and thus distracting.

Nemo
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  #33  
Unread 06-13-2021, 11:01 AM
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Mary Meriam Mary Meriam is offline
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Hi Mark, I like all your revisions in Rev 3, including the new title - perfect. I agree with Nemo and Matt about S4. The problem might begin in S3 with "lake water sparkling" which isn't a very fresh phrase. The two middle lines in S3 save that stanza, but still.
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  #34  
Unread 06-13-2021, 02:29 PM
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R. Nemo Hill R. Nemo Hill is online now
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The lake water sparkling, for me, is reinvigorated by the proximity of the pain in our thighs.
It makes the thigh pain glitter and the lake water ache, both of them instances of impossible brightness.
Such beauty is scarcely bearable.
I love that whole stanza.

Nemo
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  #35  
Unread 06-16-2021, 04:22 PM
Mark McDonnell Mark McDonnell is offline
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Hi folks!

I think I'm nearly there with this. We'll see.

Matt - Yes, I think you're ultimately right about the "lie down" bit. Glad you convinced me to go back.

I've changed S3. If you, Nemo and Mary are all baffled something isn't right ha. The "pack" was a backpack that one traditionally takes when trudging up a hill: sandwiches, binoculars, bottle of something cold, spare jumper. That probably wasn't clear enough. I was trying for a sense of the shrinking of spatial distance from the far horizon to something very close and connecting that to the emotional distance or reserve between the friends closing as they embrace each other. I've had another go at the same idea.

Hi Nemo - Is that clearer? I'm glad you like S3. Yes, I want a kind of blurring of sensory boundaries.

Hi Mary -- I know you found S4 a little touchy feely ha. I hope it leads on better from S3 now and has sharpened and toughened up a little with "all" becoming "to" and "reaching" for "embracing". Maybe? Glad you like the other changes!

OK. Revision of S4.

Thanks again all. It's a tricky one, this, but I'm enjoying the slow climb.
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  #36  
Unread 06-16-2021, 04:49 PM
Cally Conan-Davies Cally Conan-Davies is offline
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It is a tricky one, Sharkey. I hesitate over it. The important thing to say is that a 4th stanza is necessary. But for me, the introduction of a pack, backpack, "packs on our backs" (which feels a little clumsy to me) isn't really an improvement on earlier drafts. Dimeter is sensitive. The less said, the more said.

I suppose there is nothing wrong with the latest S4, but I still have a nagging feeling that it could be doing more. A poem doesn't have to follow the actualness of an event, only be true to it. If it were mine, I'd keep experimenting, even to the point of radically re-imagining the whole stanza. All the fun is in the playing! I have come to see that all the best poems are never really finished. They seem to have the air about them that they could give a little shake and turn into something else, like all living things.

As it is, it's a lovely poem. I am sooooo relieved you brought back the lying down! That was my favourite line -- so much resonance.
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  #37  
Unread 06-20-2021, 03:24 AM
Mark McDonnell Mark McDonnell is offline
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Quote:
If it were mine, I'd keep experimenting, even to the point of radically re-imagining the whole stanza. All the fun is in the playing!
Hi Cally!

Thatís good advice. I do like the poem and I do want to get it right. Iíll probably leave it alone for a bit and go and walk up that hill again before I return to it. So this should probably slide down now.

Thanks everyone!
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