[Joe Crocker]

Originally Posted by Michael Cantor

The ride to Paris was in 1961, the Swedish girl worked at their Consulate in Antwerp, and I borrowed a company car

I seem to remember you workshopped a poem about this not too long ago. She was looking for transport and you were hoping for more? If you are putting together a book will that poem follow this one?

[Matt Q]

Originally Posted by Michael Cantor

I'm afraid I don't share your problems with No others now will know. The guy (me) had behaved like an asshole on a date, had always been ashamed about it, and now he was free.

I guess all I can say is that I wasn't clear on what the phrase meant. I had guesses, but him being relieved to be free of a shameful secret wasn't one of them, though I like the idea. My best guess had been that he was mourning the loss of a shared experience, of being remembered by someone else. But if you're happy with it, all well and good.

Matt

[David Callin]

Originally Posted by Carl Copeland

TBrilliant concept for a poem, Michael. Wish I’d thought of it.

I agree with Carl. And it gives you a great title.

Nicely executed, too. At first sight I thought it was going to be too long, but when I read it I realised that was only partly true. I like it all, except the second Butch section. Revenge may be a dish best eaten cold, but I'm not sure inviting others to the feast works here. I think the poem would work perfectly well - okay, better, even - without it. But you probably think you need it, and you're probably right.

I didn't even notice the terza rima until Carl mentioned, but I had already enjoyed the irregular (or so I thought!) rhyming.

One other nit: don't change Antwerp to Brussels. Nothing wrong with Antwerp (as you know) - different town, different language, different range of associations.

Overall, though, really good. Would like to read more of these.

Cheers

David

[Susan McLean]

Michael, I like it. The rambling movement mimics what you are describing. My main nits are metrical, though I also think that "spotlit" or "spotlighted" works better than "spot lit." I think both metrically and in terms of meaning "jammed into handcuffs" beats "jammed in" (S6). For S14L3 how about "and Sundance played, and Butch declared that one dance"? You could lose the "that" but it helps put the stress on "one." For S18L3-S19L1, how about "their lives, these shadows of the past I chase, // these palimpsests– perhaps they feel my touch"?

Susan

[Michael Cantor]

Catherine - thanks for joining in. It's a matter of individual taste, but - as I noted to Jim - when I started to work on the poem the Butch segment was cohesive, and I didn't find it all that interesting. Breaking it up - and letting the entire poem skitter back and forth seemed to me to be closer to the narrator's thought pattern and, IMAO, more interesting.

Joe - I thought might have workshopped an earlier version, but at least five years ago, and if you remember it I'm flattered. But I have written an unfortunate number of poems about relationships - it's really much more fun than writing about frigging Butch - so when I workshop the latest version, we'll see if that's the one you were thinking of.

Matt - I dunno - to me it's pretty clear, but then I was the asshole in question (I was deliberately vague about exactly took place - I'm an old man, I've been an asshole on numerous occasions, and after all these years it's tough to sort out the details.)

David - I lived in Antwerp (although the management of my company and most of the people I knew generally spoke French, not Flemish - I hung out and worked with a bunch of well-born snobs, although I didn't realize it at the time), but I used Brussels in the poem because (a) the poem is really about Paris, and Brussels is a French city and Antwerp is decidedly Flemish, and (b) "Brussels" sounds and flows better than "Antwerp". (And when you drive from Antwerp to Paris you do pass Brussels.)

Susan - glad you like it, and thanks for the suggestions. That said, I prefer "jammed in handcuffs". "into" seems to introduce a stutter. But I do agree with your suggestion for S14L3.

On S18/19 I used "palimpsests" in a poem in my first book, and I think one "palimpsest" in a career is sufficient. More seriously, I think the word is just a bit too much for this particular poem. However, in looking at it, I realized that S18L3 is tetrameter and S19L1 is hex. I can change S18L3 to "fleeting shadows", but don't have an easy fix for S19L1, and am not sure it matters. Will sleep on it.

I'm also thinking of changing S15L1 to "would be the last of that parade".