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  #11  
Unread 09-10-2022, 07:04 PM
Bill Marsh Bill Marsh is offline
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Default Thanks to all for the critiques

They were very helpful.
Jayne, I always meant for "cm" to be read as "centimeter". I have changed the spelling.

Max, there is more material in the themes of the poem than can be exhausted in a single sonnet. But this is the second sonnet in what may become a sequence.

Several of you commented on the abrupt change of tone and topic after the turn and questioned it. I don't have an answer for this other than 1) it is hardly surprising if God shows up in a poem about a life threatening medical event and 2) the contrast between the clinical perspective in the first 9 lines and the the spiritual perspective is the last five is entirely deliberate. Perhaps ill-advised, but deliberate.

Jayne and Matt and Max have all, accurately, observed that the syntax is choppy and the meter irregular in parts of the poem, and Jayne also points out repetitions at the end. However, these comments seem to suggest that there is something inherently suspect in choppy syntax, irregular meter and repetition. There isn't - these are as legitamate as poetic techniques as their opposites. So I guess you mean that my uses of these techniques in this poem are not successful. OK but it would be more helpful if you would say why.
Thanks again to all for the help!
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  #12  
Unread 09-11-2022, 05:22 AM
Matt Q Matt Q is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Bill Marsh View Post
Jayne and Matt and Max have all, accurately, observed that the syntax is choppy and the meter irregular in parts of the poem, and Jayne also points out repetitions at the end. However, these comments seem to suggest that there is something inherently suspect in choppy syntax, irregular meter and repetition. There isn't - these are as legitamate as poetic techniques as their opposites. So I guess you mean that my uses of these techniques in this poem are not successful. OK but it would be more helpful if you would say why.
Bill,

I'd be interested to know why you think I was being critical of the "choppy syntax, irregular meter". I'd hoped I was pretty clear that I thought it worked and fitted the content well.

Matt
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  #13  
Unread 09-15-2022, 10:53 AM
Bill Marsh Bill Marsh is offline
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I owe Matt an apology for misrepresenting his comments on my poem, and to further thank him and everyone who commented. Based on the feedback, I have decided that the poem needs a second part and have started work on a companion poem. Matt saw this most clearly, so special thanks to him.
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  #14  
Unread 09-15-2022, 04:33 PM
John Riley John Riley is offline
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I know others have commented on the stanzas being so far apart. The first stanza is science and the second stanza is religion. That could be an interesting challenge if you can find a way to blend them a bit more. What I mean is although that is a knotty problem finding a solution to it could fix everything. (I leave the meter to those who practice it more than I do.) Maybe ask yourself why you're "released from sin?" How does surviving a stroke free one from sin? What if God is in the blood with the Warfarin? What if the doctor does a transition in the eyes of the patient? What the patient sees changes? Find a way to meld God into the bones instead of slamming him against the reader. Make the poem a revelation instead of a declaration.

I like the potential here and hope I've been of some help.
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  #15  
Unread 09-16-2022, 01:17 AM
Max Goodman Max Goodman is offline
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Originally Posted by Bill Marsh View Post
Jayne and Matt and Max have all, accurately, observed that the syntax is choppy and the meter irregular in parts of the poem, and ... these comments seem to suggest that there is something inherently suspect in choppy syntax, irregular meter and repetition. ... it would be more helpful if you would say why.
I assume I'm on that list because of the dialogue-tag comment we've already discussed further. If there's a clarification from me you're still waiting for, let me know.
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  #16  
Unread 09-17-2022, 08:24 AM
Rob Wright Rob Wright is offline
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Bill, You have received some good suggestions here, and I hope they can help you shape the material into something powerful, for strokes are powerful experiences, which I know since I have had two – albeit, transient and effecting the language sections of my brain. And that leads me to the line "stokes make you dumb." You lost me there as my own experience of them was of a sort of wonder. A thing I could do since I was two years old was lost to me. "Dumb" does not cover the oddness, the almost wonder of that loss, quickly followed by terror that I'd never get it back. And so I will endorse other commenters who have suggested that the sonnet is too compressed a form for this material, too much the argument and response form to really do the experience justice. Unless, of course, this is one of a sonnet sequence, in which case I would spread out what you've outlined here, the shock, followed by the denial, followed by the time in an I.C.U. and then recovery, which for me was long and rather challenging. Just some thoughts.
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