Eratosphere Forums - Metrical Poetry, Free Verse, Fiction, Art, Critique, Discussions Able Muse - a review of poetry, prose and art

Forum Left Top

Notices

Reply
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Unread 07-26-2021, 11:24 AM
RCL's Avatar
RCL RCL is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2000
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,993
Default A Light Fat Old Man

Another shot in the dark

The Fat That Wears Him


Amassing fat that flows and jiggles
downward from my dumpling face,
age-wrinkled brow’s become smooth space,
my growing nose evokes kids’ giggles.

When I nosh the way a pig will,
my reckless fat increases pace,
sets dewlaps swinging in their place;
they flutter like a little flag will.

Chest swelling into breasts spells anguish!
I face the fat, fight appetites
that bulge my gut and make me languish
with dimpled knees, feet gnarled to frights.

For health, I’ll nix my food fixation,
cheering on my fat’s starvation.



Rev sans Tiny anything

The Fat That Wore Him

Amassing fat now flows and jiggles
downward from my dumpling face:
Age-wrinkled brow’s become smooth space,
my growing nose evokes girls' giggles.
When I nosh the way a pig’ll,
my reckless fat increases pace,
sets dewlaps swinging in their place
and fluttering like a little flag’ll.

Chest swelling into breasts spells anguish!
I face the fat, fight appetites
that bulge my gut to fold, apron-ish,
dimple knees and make feet frights.
For health, I’m nixing oral fixation,
delaying Death’s determination.




The Fat That Wore Him

Amassing fat would flow and jiggle
downward from my dumpling face:
age-wrinkled brow’d become smooth space;
my swelling nose would make girls giggle.

When I noshed the way a pig’ll,
my reckless fat increased its pace,
set dewlaps swinging in their place
and fluttering like a little flag’ll.

Chest swelling into breasts spelled anguished!
I faced the fat, fought appetites
that bulged my gut to folds it nourished,
caused dimpled knees and swollen-foot frights.

Gross hips and buttocks, every limb,
begged, Change our name to Tiny whatever!
__________________
Ralph

Last edited by RCL; 07-28-2021 at 06:24 PM. Reason: L12 feet for them
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Unread 07-26-2021, 12:55 PM
Mark Stone Mark Stone is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Ohio
Posts: 518
Default

Ralph,

1. S1 has conditional verbs and the other stanzas are in the past tense. It is perplexing why one would go from the conditional to the past tense (except that it does allow you to say "giggle" instead of "giggled"). Also, it seems odd to write this story in the past tense, since the conditions that are described all presumably still exist. I think the story would be more logical, and have more punch, if it were written in the present tense. For example:

Chest swelling into breasts spells anguish!
I face the fat, fight appetites

2. I think the title is very clever. And I like the poem. It has a lot of colorful language, and I like how the hips, buttocks, and limbs do the talking in the couplet.

Best, Mark
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Unread 07-26-2021, 01:13 PM
Mark McDonnell Mark McDonnell is offline
Member
 
Join Date: May 2016
Location: Staffordshire, England
Posts: 4,152
Default

Sorry Ralph, but I found this utterly painful to read until the last line when I suddenly found it baffling, which was at least a new experience. Tiny Tim? As in the Dickens character or the creepy falsetto chart botherer?
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Unread 07-26-2021, 04:39 PM
W T Clark W T Clark is offline
Member
 
Join Date: May 2020
Location: England
Posts: 540
Default

I'm rather ambiguous over the first 12 lines of this. They depict an overweight old man. You've written poems exploring the psychological landscapes of characters through their clothes as a kind of embodiment of those landscapes, with similar titles. But if the "fat" is some embodiment of inner psychological turmoil, then I'm not really finding much to grip my Freudian fingers around.
There is an element of "So what?" about it for me. It's like the poem is hanging somewhere between the comic (with its thick sonics of slurping and devouring and the almost Gnashean "pig'll" and the much more forced "flag'll") and the serious with hints of "anguish" that seem to point to something deeper with the added consideration of the title.
But the final couplet I dislike. Tiny Tim, the Dickens character in Dickens' worst book, and somewhat disgusting caricature of the disabled (a kind of ultra-religious idiot, who seems unable to think of himself other than as an object of pity for the able) is not thin per sť, he's dying and small. So are the narrator's limbs wishing to be more like a dying disabled child who cannot walk? I think the need for a rhyme here is overwhelming the logic of the exclamation. Tiny Tim is small and certainly not fat, but he is also disabled, dying, and generally pitiable. I'm kind of reminded of Keats' protestations against the Shakespearean sonnet's need for a rhyming couplet. Which is a shame because you don't even need to end with a couplet here, seeing as you've chosen the Petrarchan.
All the best with revisions!

Hope this helps.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Unread 07-26-2021, 07:40 PM
RCL's Avatar
RCL RCL is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2000
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,993
Default

Mark 1: Thanks, youíre probably right. Itís in fact Fatís present tense, so re tensed.

Mark 2: Sorry? Do I hear a musical echo?

Cameron: Thereís much to muck around in to have it say anything worth saying about someone who bitches but wonít act to better a situation. When lazy (and fat) I mix English with Petrarchan. My Bad, to be original. Tiny Tim was neither the crippled nor soprano T, just a bad rhyme.
__________________
Ralph
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Unread 07-27-2021, 08:04 AM
Jim Ramsey Jim Ramsey is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2021
Location: Greensboro, NC
Posts: 53
Default

Hi Ralph,

Just one thought for the last line. I like the sound of "Death's determination" more than the present "Death's extermination." Death's extermination seems redundant. Also, by making Death a proper noun, you've personified it and so it could be argued the line reads as if death is being exterminated by the speaker, but this can't be so because according to the poem, the speaker is the one "dodging" extermination. Alternatively, "dodging" could be changed so that the speaker is killing death. If I keep this confusing line of thought up any longer, I will be exterminating myself.

All the best,
Jim
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Unread 07-27-2021, 10:44 AM
RCL's Avatar
RCL RCL is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2000
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,993
Default

Jim: Welcome to the punny farm, and thanks for the suggestions. I like “determination” that can be delayed of deferred.
__________________
Ralph
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Unread 07-27-2021, 08:00 PM
Mark Stone Mark Stone is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Ohio
Posts: 518
Default

Ralph,

1. Since you've changed the text to the present tense, you could do the same with the title: The Fat That Wears Him

2. I think the poem would be easier to read and absorb if there were vertical spaces after the fourth and 12th lines.

3. "girls' giggles" is kind of hard to say. It blocks a smooth reading of the poem. And usually it is girls who giggle rather than boys, at least in my experience. So you could change it to "their giggles" (and girls would be implied).

4. If you want to make L8 more iambic, you could change it to: They flutter like a little flag'll.

5. "spells anguish" has emphasis on the second syllable. "apron-ish" has emphasis on the first. So one always steps on the other's toe when they dance together. My choice for a rhyme for "anguish" would be "languish."

6. I believe the last word of a poem should have some umph or zing. For me, "determination" just kind of lies there. However, I see a possible rhyme pair in L13. Here's one option:

I need to launch a life that nixes
my immoral, oral fixes.

Best, Mark
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Unread 07-28-2021, 11:05 AM
RCL's Avatar
RCL RCL is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2000
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,993
Default

Mark S, your suggestions are good and adoptable, but I don’t want to make a moral decision at the end, though nixes and fixes does sing. I’m still chewing on tastier ideas for the couplet.
__________________
Ralph
Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump



Forum Right Top
Forum Left Bottom Forum Right Bottom
 
Right Left
Member Login
Forgot password?
Forum LeftForum Right


Forum Statistics:
Forum Members: 8,215
Total Threads: 20,815
Total Posts: 264,552
There are 295 users
currently browsing forums.
Forum LeftForum Right


Forum Sponsor:
Donate & Support Able Muse / Eratosphere
Forum LeftForum Right
Right Right
Right Bottom Left Right Bottom Right

Hosted by ApplauZ Online