[Andrew Frisardi]

I am wondering, in part 2, should "still live in lumber" be "still live on lumber"?

I like the revisions, except the title change. "Evolution" was more fun, though perhaps "Evolving" would work, with its double sense of the poem's thought evolving as well.

[Julie Steiner]

Thanks, Andrew.

I was thinking of the shelter of eaves/overhanging tree canopies as well as of the elevation secured by of floors/trunks.

"still live within lumber", perhaps? "still inhabit lumber"?

I'll think about Evolving as a title. I'm currently leaning toward the stuffier Counterpoints to Human Evolution, but I might change my mind.

Other titles I considered:

Oh, Evolve! (a bumper sticker I often saw in Berkeley in the 1980's. That's more contemptuous than I want to be, though.)

Monkey Business (a reference to what one of John Snopes' high school students said to a reporter in 1925, after testifying to the grand jury about Snopes' teaching: "I believe in part of evolution, but I don't believe in the monkey business." I don't want to start with an epigraph, but I do plan to discuss the Snopes Monkey Trial later in the piece, re the self-appointed defenders of freedom of religion and freedom of speech who somehow keep bringing us things like book-banning, "Don't Say Gay" legislation, and the censorship of "Critical Race Theory".)

After Gibbon (playing off the ape-related name of the eighteenth-century English author of The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire. But I don't agree with his thesis, namely that empires decline and fall when too much peace and luxury—and perhaps Christian teaching—makes their citizens insufficiently bellicose. My own definition of what makes a society great doesn't include the martial glories of empires/authoritarianism.)

[David Callin]

Originally Posted by Julie Steiner

I'm relieved that this rather didactic piece has gone over as well as it has.

Aha. That's the only thing I was going to say to its detriment. But it's so nicely done I can't begrudge you your didacticism.

Although I have to ask whether "poplar" is intentional. I expect it is.

David

[Andrew Frisardi]

One of the reasons that I love this is that the playfulness offsets the didacticism, while the insights give the playfulness bite. The rhyming free verse* keeps things from getting predictable, and as I read I look forward to the next surprise, even as the content is getting me to think. So nicely done, Julie.

[*Editing back in to add: I'd agree with Carl that this is basically iambic, and not really free verse. I'd call it iambic with some substitutions and lots of variation in line lengths. That's what gives it such rapid movement, a very good vehicle for its wittiness.]

My favorite lines at present are “Nothing fosters brotherhood / like fear of otherhood.” Frigging brilliant.

One minor distraction, I noticed last time and this time too, but forgot to mention: do you need the modifier “pretty” in the last line? To me those lines would have more bite and decisiveness without it.

I smiled at your title option “Oh, Evolve!” It reminded me of a story a friend of mine told me. She’d been at a bar, where a guy kept hitting on her obnoxiously. Finally, she looked him straight in the eyes and delivered the imperative: “Evolve.” He might not have taken her advice, but he did leave her alone after that.

[Mary McLean]

Julie,
These are fab. I prefer evolution as a title. We may not have improved in essence but the details have changed. That's still evolution.
My only minor suggestion would be to end on strong couplets more often. So I would cut the epicaricacy couplet to leave just one in #2, and in #4 I would move the middle stanza to the end. You could even move the epicaricacy couplet to the end of #3, though I don't think that is necessarily an improvement.
Keep 'em coming!
Mary

[Nick McRae]

Originally Posted by Julie Steiner

5.
Assembling a mob that lusts to lynch                                   Assembling a mob that thirsts to lynch
is a cinch.
Just identify a
pariah,
and soon a festive, restive crowd’s uniting.
A bandwagon’s exciting.                                                  Hopping on a bandwagon’s exciting.
The lonely, weak, and scared are drawn
to pile on.

Those of us not lonely, weak,                                             And those of us not lonely, weak,
or scared are pretty damn unique.
~ To be continued ~

I'd take 'scared' over 'cowardly'. I have a hard time slinging pejoratives.

[RCL]

Might Devolution work as a title? Or Dramas for Darwin?

Cheers,

[Nick McRae]

Originally Posted by Mary McLean

Julie,
These are fab. I prefer evolution as a title. We may not have improved in essence but the details have changed. That's still evolution.
Mary

I'd also take evolution as a title. To call it a 'counterpoint' seems a bit off because evolutionary theory predicts exactly what's in the poem. The evolution we know isn't teleological, so we shouldn't expect people to improve.

But if you call the poem 'Evolution' it works as a nice juxtaposition to point out that most of us aren't actually improving.

[Julie Steiner]

Dear David, Andrew, Mary, Ralph, and Nick (twice!),

Thanks very much for your comments. I've made some additional edits that I won't share here, since I'd like to post the next section now and don't want to hog the board with continued discussion of this one, but I found your advice very helpful and encouraging.

Susan,

I wasn't ready to cut the "epicaricacy" bit when you suggested that, but now I am, and have done so in my personal copy of the poem.

Julie