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  #11  
Unread 05-16-2022, 07:05 PM
Jim Moonan Jim Moonan is offline
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.
If you don't mind, I won't look too hard for the right words to explain why I like this. It's late. There is a suspension of thought at work in it. And as others have said, a deft delicacy to the imagery. I connect to it from the first syllable to the last.
As I suggested elsewhere, I think the only place that might be improved is the title. I'd call it "Scarcely There".

FYI, the soul weighs a whopping 21 grams.

.
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  #12  
Unread 05-16-2022, 08:04 PM
John Isbell John Isbell is offline
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Hi David,

Jim's title suggestion appeals to me in part because he's reminded me of this fine movie: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/21_Grams

Cheers,
John
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  #13  
Unread 05-18-2022, 11:30 AM
David Callin David Callin is offline
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Thanks for the helpful intervention, Joe. I couldn't have asked for a better reading. Or reader? I think I have gathered that birds are your bag - or one of them (along with Myles). Good bags!

Carl, thank you for dipping a doubtful toe into these waters. I started off purely as a formalist myself. I was, I thought, completely incapable of writing anything in free verse. It was too much like Mr. Frost's netless tennis for me. But then I got the hang of it, and since then I wander all over the greensward. But I still try the odd passage of play within the lines from time to time.

Thanks Jim R. This was preparing for a presentation, to some fellow birders, so she tried it out on me. And yes, she weighed 'em. "Number of tissues" is now a standard measure in that group, I think.

And thanks Jim M. That is quite a striking title suggestion. I think I'll pass on it, partly because (this is not necessarily a good reason) it sounds too Dylanesque to me (you'll know which song I'm thinking of, I'm sure), but mainly because I like the way "Ten grams" itself plays out. If you count the title as a line in its own right, it occurs at lines 1, 7 and 13. I like that.

I couldn't remember what a soul is supposed to weigh, so thanks for that nudge. (Thanks John too.)

Cheers all

David
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  #14  
Unread 05-18-2022, 04:07 PM
Jim Moonan Jim Moonan is offline
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"I couldn't remember what a soul is supposed to weigh, so thanks for that nudge."

That's an average weight. The bigger the soul the less it weighs. Some people's souls are a ball and chain. Others are unbearably light. All figuratively speaking, of course : ) kryptonite

.

Last edited by Jim Moonan; 05-19-2022 at 10:53 AM.
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  #15  
Unread 05-21-2022, 01:02 PM
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RCL RCL is offline
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David,

I thought I'd responded, but then..... Anyway, the whole is nearly as delicate as the bird, and also a neat little narrative of N's delight in the discovery. Your nods to nature are fresh with attention to otherwise unsung details.
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  #16  
Unread 05-21-2022, 02:12 PM
James Brancheau James Brancheau is offline
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I'd flip S1 and S2 and call it a poem.
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  #17  
Unread 05-21-2022, 04:52 PM
Yves S L Yves S L is offline
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Hello David,

The topic is the following two lines:

Fresh. Unused.
Straight out of the pack.


The fact that the poem goes out of its way to say this actually makes me think of dirty tissues. Ordinarily, I would not think a friend would be so audaciously spectacularly rude so as to place dirty tissues in another person's hands.

I like the idea of swapping S1, S2 mostly because it would get you out of having to emphasis cleanliness like above; however, I believe that you are trying to do a magic trick procedure of misdirection and then the reveal, and swapping the stanzas would let the warbler out of the bag.

Last edited by Yves S L; 05-21-2022 at 07:52 PM.
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  #18  
Unread 05-21-2022, 06:26 PM
John Isbell John Isbell is offline
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Hi David,

I agree with Yves and prefer your current stanza sequence.

Cheers,
John
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  #19  
Unread 05-22-2022, 02:06 PM
David Callin David Callin is offline
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Thanks Ralph.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Yves S L View Post
I like the idea of swapping S1, S2 mostly because it would get you out of having to emphasis cleanliness like above; however, I believe that you are trying to do a magic trick procedure of misdirection and then the reveal, and swapping the stanzas would let the warbler out of the bag.
Splendidly put, Yves. I think you're right. (Although I do see the force of what you - and James and Roger - have said about the tissues.)

And thanks John.

Cheers all

David
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