|
Notices |
It's been a while, Unregistered -- Welcome back to Eratosphere! |
|
|

05-16-2022, 07:05 PM
|
Member
|
|
Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 3,484
|
|
.
If you don't mind, I won't look too hard for the right words to explain why I like this. It's late. There is a suspension of thought at work in it. And as others have said, a deft delicacy to the imagery. I connect to it from the first syllable to the last.
As I suggested elsewhere, I think the only place that might be improved is the title. I'd call it "Scarcely There".
FYI, the soul weighs a whopping 21 grams.
.
|

05-16-2022, 08:04 PM
|
Member
|
|
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: TX
Posts: 6,460
|
|
Hi David,
Jim's title suggestion appeals to me in part because he's reminded me of this fine movie: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/21_Grams
Cheers,
John
|

05-18-2022, 11:30 AM
|
Member
|
|
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Ellan Vannin
Posts: 2,765
|
|
Thanks for the helpful intervention, Joe. I couldn't have asked for a better reading. Or reader? I think I have gathered that birds are your bag - or one of them (along with Myles). Good bags!
Carl, thank you for dipping a doubtful toe into these waters. I started off purely as a formalist myself. I was, I thought, completely incapable of writing anything in free verse. It was too much like Mr. Frost's netless tennis for me. But then I got the hang of it, and since then I wander all over the greensward. But I still try the odd passage of play within the lines from time to time.
Thanks Jim R. This was preparing for a presentation, to some fellow birders, so she tried it out on me. And yes, she weighed 'em. "Number of tissues" is now a standard measure in that group, I think.
And thanks Jim M. That is quite a striking title suggestion. I think I'll pass on it, partly because (this is not necessarily a good reason) it sounds too Dylanesque to me (you'll know which song I'm thinking of, I'm sure), but mainly because I like the way "Ten grams" itself plays out. If you count the title as a line in its own right, it occurs at lines 1, 7 and 13. I like that.
I couldn't remember what a soul is supposed to weigh, so thanks for that nudge. (Thanks John too.)
Cheers all
David
|

05-18-2022, 04:07 PM
|
Member
|
|
Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 3,484
|
|
.
"I couldn't remember what a soul is supposed to weigh, so thanks for that nudge."
That's an average weight. The bigger the soul the less it weighs. Some people's souls are a ball and chain. Others are unbearably light. All figuratively speaking, of course : ) kryptonite
.
Last edited by Jim Moonan; 05-19-2022 at 10:53 AM.
|

05-21-2022, 01:02 PM
|
 |
Member
|
|
Join Date: Oct 2000
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 6,239
|
|
David,
I thought I'd responded, but then..... Anyway, the whole is nearly as delicate as the bird, and also a neat little narrative of N's delight in the discovery. Your nods to nature are fresh with attention to otherwise unsung details.
__________________
Ralph
|

05-21-2022, 02:12 PM
|
Member
|
|
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: *
Posts: 2,318
|
|
I'd flip S1 and S2 and call it a poem.
|

05-21-2022, 04:52 PM
|
Member
|
|
Join Date: Jul 2020
Location: London
Posts: 572
|
|
Hello David,
The topic is the following two lines:
Fresh. Unused.
Straight out of the pack.
The fact that the poem goes out of its way to say this actually makes me think of dirty tissues. Ordinarily, I would not think a friend would be so audaciously spectacularly rude so as to place dirty tissues in another person's hands.
I like the idea of swapping S1, S2 mostly because it would get you out of having to emphasis cleanliness like above; however, I believe that you are trying to do a magic trick procedure of misdirection and then the reveal, and swapping the stanzas would let the warbler out of the bag.
Last edited by Yves S L; 05-21-2022 at 07:52 PM.
|

05-21-2022, 06:26 PM
|
Member
|
|
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: TX
Posts: 6,460
|
|
Hi David,
I agree with Yves and prefer your current stanza sequence.
Cheers,
John
|

05-22-2022, 02:06 PM
|
Member
|
|
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Ellan Vannin
Posts: 2,765
|
|
Thanks Ralph.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Yves S L
I like the idea of swapping S1, S2 mostly because it would get you out of having to emphasis cleanliness like above; however, I believe that you are trying to do a magic trick procedure of misdirection and then the reveal, and swapping the stanzas would let the warbler out of the bag.
|
Splendidly put, Yves. I think you're right. (Although I do see the force of what you - and James and Roger - have said about the tissues.)
And thanks John.
Cheers all
David
|
 |
|
Thread Tools |
|
Display Modes |
Linear Mode
|
Posting Rules
|
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
HTML code is Off
|
|
|
|
|
 |
|
 |
|
|
 |
Member Login
Forum Statistics:
Forum Members: 8,259
Total Threads: 21,273
Total Posts: 268,741
There are 152 users
currently browsing forums.
Forum Sponsor:
|
 |
 |
|
 |
|