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Unread 07-17-2021, 02:01 PM
Sarah-Jane Crowson's Avatar
Sarah-Jane Crowson Sarah-Jane Crowson is offline
Join Date: Oct 2018
Location: UK
Posts: 863

I like the edits. The change to 'domicile' works well.

I tell you what (and I think this is partly why I enjoy this poem) struck me on re-reading is how illustratable this is.

Not just that it tells a story, but that you could weave little things back into the story (like one of Hogarth's images as a print on the walls, and a zooming in to the NYT with a relevant headline).

And you could centre the narrator/poet in an interesting way. Like the 70's animation of Paddington Bear in style, not content, of course.

Or animation. Bit of an aside, sorry Aaron.


(Edited just to say that I am not looking for work. I have enough work and I'd never use this space to hawk my dubious wares anyway. )

Last edited by Sarah-Jane Crowson; 07-17-2021 at 02:15 PM.
Unread 07-25-2021, 02:54 PM
Seree Zohar's Avatar
Seree Zohar Seree Zohar is offline
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: oy of the storm
Posts: 4,958

Oh hey hi Pooch!

No language nits, but can I suggest a positioning change:
Move the ult couplet to above its stanza. Yup, keep the space btwn them:

A mid-life sentence:
dread and repentance.

Few souls have risen
from such a prison.

I think leaving it where it is, is too expectable, and therefore makes it lose a good deal of its punch.
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