[Michael Cantor]

I don't care about the meter - the poem has a rhythm to it that carries me along, except for the "burning" dangling at the end of L1, and "leaves" in L5 - but my problem is that I simply don't understand it. Many of the lines are beautiful - the last line is to die for - but when I put them together I'm lost. I have a feeling that if the poem was less obtuse - if it was easier to get into - there would be less talk about meter.

[David Callin]

Hi John. I like the set-up in the first four lines, and I like the word-magic in the last four lines. I'm having trouble unravelling what the last four lines are saying. There's clearly a crux that I'm missing.

You do seem very in control of your material, though, so the failure of understanding is probably mine.

It has your habitual authority, whatever it is I'm missing.

Cheers

David

[Matt Q]

Hi John,

As with almost of all your poems, I like this. The protagonist is looking for something -- knowledge or transformation or healing -- but doesn't find it, and is a fool for thinking he would. What exactly he seeks is left to the reader. There's enough imagery and symbolism for me, as the reader, to read into it, and to make me want to reread. I like that it's both flowers and weeds that are among the sources of the smoke.

I like the enjambment on "growing up" in L2, just because placed there I see other meanings of "growing up": I could imagine that it was him growing up -- a hint that perhaps the "he" is child. I also like the enjambment on "leaves", again suggesting a double meaning (verb versus plural noun). In that vein, you might consider changing "burning" to "and burned" in L1, just because the enjambment allows us to read, momentarily, that he burns, though you might not want that.

I wonder a little about the title. For example, is there a reason "roof" is singled out? Maybe there's something that adds a little more. Maybe not.

On the metre, it's clearly not strict IP, but I'd also say you have five stresses in (almost) every line. In places you drop unstressed syllables. So, accentual pentameter, I guess, rather than accentual-syllabic. That said, you say you're counting four stresses, though.

Anyway, this is more or less what I hear:

He SET a FIRE to BREATHE the SMOKE, BURNing
RAGweed and WILD(FLOW)ers GROWing UP
the OLD WOODpile, and LEARNED he WAS a FOOL.
The DEEPer he LEANED, the THINNer the SMOKE.
WHAT was NOT there is NOT what eLUDES, LEAVES (or maybe "not THERE" or "NOT THERE")
no BONES in MOURNing, no TAble OVerTURNED
or SHATTered GLASS GLOBE, no RAISED ROOF,
no CREEP of the HEALer COME to LEAVE him aLIVE.

Assuming it's five stresses per line (which it seems to me to mostly be), then L4 is a problem, since there are only four stresses.

L2 is a little ambiguous, as it's unclear if "FLOW" is sufficiently stressed to count. Though I think writing "wild flowers" would resolve that. (In UK, at least, both versions are valid).

L5 is maybe somewhat ambiguous as to whether "not" or "there" or both are stressed. I read that "not" is emphasised due to the repetition.

best,

Matt