[Jim Ramsey]

Candle Power

When want of will and dearth of cause constrain
to keep ideas and words outside the brain,
a map of worry cannot sidestep strife
or set a course to fill the sails of life.
Don’t blame some lack of love from mortal kind,
or frame your formless thoughts in squares of mind,
to make excuse for failure to perceive
when asking gods themselves to please believe.
When, all your musing days, not once you’re brave,
when, soon must choose to burn or rot in grave,
now take the bolder path, the bolder traipse—
this truth, above the rest, accept with faith…
that through the toughest tests and hardest times,
those poets truly lit have writ in rhymes.

[Julie Steiner]

Hi, Jim!

I'm a hard sell. I wasn't convinced before that poets who use rhyme are "truly lit," and I'm not more inclined to think so by this little evangelical "Join Us, We're the One True Church and the Only Path to Immortality" pamphlet.

But I might be missing the irony here. I often do.

Cheers,
Julie

[Jim Ramsey]

Hi Julie,

First of all, a poem’s existence being acknowledged on the sphere is the first step in moving it forward or yanking it from the stage, so I thank you for that. I think I have to agree with you that I am making more of a declaration here than an argument, and sonnet-wise, a declaration is not enough.

My argument is meant to be that rhymers should accept on faith that their verse is superior to the alternative of free verse because few in the world of poetry now do. For convenience, I leave out the merits of blank verse and the perils of doggerel.

My title, “Candle Power” is the nomenclature for measuring the intensity of light. So my “”lit” has that literality. The slang term “lit” has long meant drunk and I am trying for a sort of drunken (if simplistic) ecstasy of rhyme. In modern slang, “lit” means excellent, and I suppose I am saying that rhyme is more excellent than non-rhyme, although I am sure many could argue my own rhymes are pitiable at best. And last, as in ”lit mags,” lit means literary. I see Eratosphere as one of the last bastions of traditional poetry, but even the sphere seems not much of a fan of old-fashioned populist verse with end rhymes in couplets like this has. I always like to play both ends when I am going for humor, so that a reader asks, is this tongue in cheek, head in ass, or not. Is he playing the fool or not? I’ve said it before, usually I am only fooling myself.

I’ve said all this hoping to prompt comments to help guide me where I want to go, or should go instead, and if that's back to the drawing board, so be it. Yours is a start, so thanks.

All the best,
Jim

[John Riley]

Never mind

[Jayne Osborn]

Hi Jim,
I appreciate that we all have our own (valid) opinions here - but I have to say that I really like this! As someone who only writes in rhyme, it's probably bound to appeal to me more than poets who write free verse, to be fair.

I can't think which poet's work it reminds me of, specifically, but it reads like something out of an old anthology from yestercentury. (Drat, I thought I'd invented a new word there, but apparently not.)

I've read it several times, looking hard to find something you might change or improve, but no - I like it just the way it is. You've got some nice phrases and alliteration, and the title fits. I use "candle power" myself, when speaking of a place I go to for meetings occasionally, where the lighting is absolutely appalling!

This is a keeper, as far as I'm concerned.

Jayne

[Max Goodman]

Originally Posted by Jayne Osborn

it reads like something out of an old anthology from yestercentury

which isn't a great way to demonstrate that it makes sense to use rhyme today. As a member of Team Rhyme, I fear this poem illustrates a feeling of rhyme's disparagers, that it's a tool for people who want to write yestercenturily.

[Carl Copeland]

Jim, I love rhyme and don’t mind a dash of archaism, but my dummed-down modern head lacks the patience and navigation skills needed for this poem. After reading the first sentence several times slowly, I decided it must mean something like “Worry won’t get you anywhere if you’re not willing to use your head.” I don’t think I can even paraphrase the second sentence—especially the bit about asking the gods to believe.

In the third sentence, I guess a poet who’s always been too cowardly to rhyme is being urged to rhyme boldly in the face of all those who disapprove of the practice. For L9-10, I’d suggest:

When, all your musing days, you’ve not been brave (or When, all your days, you’ve never once been brave)
and soon must burn or molder in the grave,

I’d also replace the ellipsis with a colon. Ellipses usually stand in for something left out, while colons are right-pointing arrows.

[R. Nemo Hill]

What Carl says is important. Using rhyme in a didactic poem like this necessitates that one's argument be as crystal clear as the rhymes. In fact, trying to put one's abstract thoughts on a subject into rhyme is a great way to learn if one has any clear idea of what one wants to say. Most often, the argument melts into nothing, or it gets tangled up in impenetrable lexical knots. For me, both those things happen here. A lot of breath is expanded to say something negligible; while the constructions employed, when closely studied, are fruitlessly intricate. Alexander Pope made it look easy, but it is not. At their best, such lines can cut through verbiage with a revelation enhanced by the sparkle of their rhymes. At their worst, they merely enlighten one to the fact that one doesn't really know what one is talking about. Subsequent comments of yours, Jim, like—"rhymers should accept on faith that their verse is superior to the alternative of free verse because few in the world of poetry now do"—convince me of the latter.

Sorry, but I think this is a complete train-wreck, from start to finish. The "patience and navigation skills" that Carl over-generously laments that he lacks, well, they should be the province of the poet not the reader.
A tone of archaic authority is no substitute for timeless clarity of thought.

Nemo

[Chris O'Carroll]

When want of will and dearth of cause constrain to keep ideas and words outside the brain, you're in danger of writing the garbled metaphors of the next two lines, and of ending up with what Nemo rightly calls this whole train-wreck of a poem. The poem tells that rhyme is good, but fails to show it being used skillfully.

"soon must choose to burn or rot in grave" may be the most egregious example of awkward diction in the poem, although "frame your formless thoughts in squares of mind" is exquisitely meaningless, and the traipse/faith rhyme calls attention to its own awfulness when it's offered as an example of truly lit poetic wit.

[Jim Ramsey]

Hey All,

I am going to address comments together since there’s a near consensus that this is not working. Allow me to at least paraphrase the poem. To me, each line makes sense although as a whole there’s a loss of cohesion. I’ve already said in response to Julie that my argument is faulty or non-existent. It is especially so if not read as insider ars poetica. Also, remember, it is my N speaking. I’ve said before on the sphere that I think the best modern poems are by free-versers. I’ve also said the best poetry ever was by formalists like Dickinson and Shakespeare. I do not think “red wheelbarrow” holds a candle to “outrageous fortune,” but that’s just opinion. Now on with the paraphrase:

When want of will and dearth of cause constrain
[When lack of desire and motivation affect]
to keep ideas and words outside the brain,
[your ability to form thoughts,]
a map of worry cannot sidestep strife
[worrying will not avoid your problems]
or set a course to fill the sails of life.
[or set your life straight.]
Don’t blame some lack of love from mortal kind,
[Don’t blame a lack of love]
or frame your formless thoughts in squares of mind,
[or try to follow rules to avoid confusion]
to make excuse for failure to perceive
[and claim you cannot understand]
when asking gods themselves to please believe.
[why the gods are not hearing your prayers.]
When, all your musing days, not once you’re brave,
[When, in a lifetime of chasing your muse you’ve been a coward]
when, soon must choose to burn or rot in grave,
[and when now so near to being cremated or buried]
now take the bolder path, the bolder traipse—
[it’s finally time for you to be bold]
this truth, above the rest, accept with faith…
[and accept this statement on faith]
that through the toughest tests and hardest times,
[that when push comes to shove]
those poets truly lit have writ in rhymes.
[the poets of most literary merit wrote in rhyme.]

Thanks for commenting, everyone.