[James Brancheau]

I like the potential of the original, Jim. My impression is that this might work better as a shorter slice of life poem that’s better left a bit more open to interpretation. But that might still hint of future danger/trouble. The below is not so much a suggested revision as it is how I’m seeing the poem right now. And hopefully that will be helpful in some way. But, in any case, my apologies for tinkering with it. Cheers.

Her Jam

I told her again: Don’t lick the knife.
But I’m always too late.
“Too late!” she sings, snaking her tongue
to the smear on her chin.
“One of these days,” I warn, “you’ll taste blood.”
She gives it one last swipe,
slow and theatrical, and shrugs. Like nothing

she tosses the blade in the sink,
wipes her mouth with the back of her hand,
and puckers, ever so sad and sweetly,
“We’re out of my jam. Can you pick up some?”

[Hilary Biehl]

Like others, I read the original as a dark, compactly suggestive glimpse into a dysfunctional relationship, though I did not assume anything autobiographical from that. While I think the original had problems as a poem, I found it more interesting than the rewrite, which I think is cloying ("breezy as you please" etc) and much too long for its subject matter.

As I see it, you have a couple different directions you could go. You could write it as light verse, in which case I would suggest tightening it up considerably and considering meter and rhyme to give more interest to the language. Or you could cut it free from autobiography and lean into the darker tone - something closer to the original, but polished up. Either way, I feel this one needs to be short.

[Jim Moonan]

.
Revision posted.
I misfired with the previous revision. After hearing responses to the revision I regrouped and waited for the next wave of inspiration, like a surfer does the next swell in a set of swells.I went back to the original and found it: a sinewy swell of a poem that is a short but tense ride.

I am an old surfer, and I sometimes see a comparison between writing poetry and surfing. I like to compare the search for the right line, the right phrase, the right word, the right idea, to the surfer’s search for the right wave. They (waves) come in sets and the key is to be in the right spot and pick the right swell at just the right moment and pursue it in hopes of becoming one with it. Sometimes the wave dies under you. Sometimes it overwhelms you and leaves you behind. But sometimes magic happens and the wave finds you and lifts you onboard and now the only thing left to do is be faithful to it, ride it until it spends itself onshore. Writing poetry is like that. My revision was a missed wave. I’m back on my board again.

Thanks for nudging me, all.

.

[Joe Crocker]

I like the latest revision (3) Jim. But I don't think you need the "Teenagers" at the end.

[Hilary Biehl]

Yes, the latest version is better. It has some of the dark possibility of the first version but without making me think that it's about a deteriorating relationship. And you've simplified it, in a good way.

I agree with Joe that you don't need "Teenagers."