[John Riley]

I’ve been watching a few things in German and French. I haven’t been turning captions on but I’m not sure that’s the best approach.

I hope you do post some things, Deborah. There is some good help here.

[Carl Copeland]

Originally Posted by John Riley

I’ve been watching a few things in German and French. I haven’t been turning captions on but I’m not sure that’s the best approach.

Depends on where you are, I’d say. If you’re not picking up much, turn on the captions. Then watch it again, if you can, with the captions off. Experiment.

[James Brancheau]

I like this too, John, though I do have a nit that I’ll assume you and others will disagree with based on the comments (which I’ve only skimmed). But, for what it’s worth, I’m not too fond of the “systematic…horizon” bit. I’m not sure how waves sound like warriors without a bit more direction there, which could be my failing. Though “systematic” does seem to be out of sync with the rest of the poem, I’m not that bothered by it. I just think that I’m probably missing something.

I also can’t help feeling that I’d like to know a little more about what’s going on. A big no-no, usually, to bring up, but you put me hanging on a cliff and I kind of want a hint regarding why I might be there (unless I’ve missed something, which is entirely possible). One idea that came to mind was a botched suicide attempt, where the speaker was betrayed by natural instinct (to hold on). In the end though, I’d probably have to agree that I don’t need to know why.

However, I do really like most of what is on the page, particularly that you have no pity for yourself and that you’re not the only frail thing. Also, the images from “If I fall” to the close. I love “worship the spin of their own existence” and that the saint’s back is turned on the sea. I found the close very satisfying, though I might think about other interesting materials the saint could be made of. Enjoyed this quite a bit.

[David Callin]

It's a very strong image, John. I could almost see it as a Tarot card.

I like "Soon it will be night." It seems fitting.

Cheers

David

[John Riley]

James, thanks for commenting. Others have mention “systematic.” I know it sticks out but that is sort of the point. I should say it was the point when I wrote it. I don’t usually talk about themes in my point but nature being a machine, not offering much recourse is in this one FWIW. The planets are a self-centered letdown. The waves sound like a factory. I’ll think about the soldiers.

This is all I know. There is no backstory. Sisyphus had a backstory but so far this dude is on his on.


Thanks, David. Tarot card—like is a good way to see it.

[Phil Wood]

I like what you are saying about 'systematic'. You could go bold on this, anchor the read, and make that word the title as well as keeping it in a line for emphasis. Either way, muchly enjoyed.

[John Riley]

Thanks, Phil. I’m glad it’s working.