[Max Goodman]

Enjambing not/yield, which would normally seem poor practice, works well here, stressing the notting that they're doing.

I don't have a suggestion for the ending. The current one, feeling a bit of a non-sequitor, is thought-provoking.

[Hilary Biehl]

I like the ending, and the sudden jump to Oahu, but I agree that loves/doves feels rhyme driven.

[R. S. Gwynn]

Hilary, what's odd is that we might say a pair of quail but not a pair of dove for these monogamous birds. I'm trying to think of other species, other than deer, that get this odd singular treatment. I sat on my son's deck this afternoon and saw a few doves. I guess it's their spring migration time.

Incidentally, in Shakespeare's delightful song about spring, we see "turtles tread." I remember my high school teacher saying something about how that's exactly how turtles move. However, I later learned that "turtles" are in fact turtle doves and that "tread" has an older sexual meaning that goes back to Chaucer.

[Brian Allgar]

Originally Posted by R. S. Gwynn

... I'm trying to think of other species, other than deer, that get this odd singular treatment.

Well, there's (there are?) sheep.

[Yves S L]

Hello Gywnn,

On the construction of the doves/loves rhyme, the line ending with "love" stands out in how it is disconnected from what comes before and what comes after; in that it introduces a love motif which is abandoned as the poems carries on with the previous motif of the doves trying to subsist.

I suppose you try to get away with the line by treating it as a throwaway observation which does not necessarily have to connect with what is around it, and the rhyme is not that problematic to me, but I wonder if you can find something else which works better, even while still using the technique of a disconnected throwaway observation.

It is always fun to see what one can do with the old done many times rhyme pairs.

Yeah!

[R. S. Gwynn]

Maybe the grackles and doves need a sonnet apiece. I think I tried to pack too much into a single poem. The doves are outliers here, but in Hawaii they're just as numerous as grackles, favoring supermarket lots. I read that they aren't native to Hawaii. The multitudes I saw were about the size of sparrows. Zebra doves, I think. So I'll be back with a new version.