[Jayne Osborn]

Hi Richard,

What fun this is - but am I really the only person who's noticed "the the" in the very first line? I reminded me of that well-known proof-reading test:

xxxPARIS
xxIN THE
THE SPRING

That aside, I enjoyed this very much. I've never seen "June" used as an adjective before, which is splendid.

Regarding the morn//-ing thing, it didn't bother me at all, but how about joining two stanzas together throughout the poem, and leaving the last (19th) one as a kind of stand-alone dénouement? It would have the added advantage of making the poem look a tad shorter, but without shortening it.

Please don't get rid of Mrs Macklin, I beg you! It made me think of a 'mac' (i.e. mackintosh/raincoat, to go with the rain, but even more so of the hilarious Pauline McLynn as Mrs Doyle in Father Ted. I have to know whether we're on the same wavelength here, Richard: is this how you came to include 'Mrs Macklin'?

Maybe there's already such an establishement, but I wanted to read "World of Men" rather than "World of Len". Is "Len" particularly significant in a way I'm not familiar with, other than my first thought, above?
Ah, wait a sec... I've just Googled World of Men, which gave me: World of Men is a successful gay pornographic film series of 12 productions (OK, as you were! )

Regarding the student/ or teacher [possible] confusion, would simply "My lesson not yet over; from the classroom..." make it clearer that it's the adult teacher who's speaking? (Although the fact that "they're" about to be surprised indicated to me that 'they' are the pupils. Also, the repair of the window "I look out of every day" signalled to me it's the N's form room.)

Folding poor old Mr Jones into an envelope, and the council delaying repairs to the paving slabs, made me laugh! (Think potholes like craters in every single English town and city, which councils do chuff all to rectify. )

I hope this helps. All in all, a super-duper poem; love it. It goes to show that sometimes archaisms and inversions work well and we shouldn't automatically reject them as a tool, particularly in light verse.

Jayne

[Jayne Osborn]

PS to the above:

I forgot to mention that I liked the subtlety of "a cloud was seen to summit Up Hill..."
...to sum it up!

Jayne

[Julie Steiner]

Originally Posted by Jayne Osborn

am I really the only person who's noticed "the the" in the very first line?

Ooooh. Apparently so!

[James Brancheau]

Happy to see this bumped up again. Yeah, this is a lot of fun—and charming (the word that first came to mind). And I like the mention of the people passing by. I can’t put my finger on it, but this just seems to fit the poem. Maybe it underlines the random nature of life, of bad luck? And it adds to the charm of the poem.

Just some minor thoughts, most of which I think were already mentioned by others (I’ve only skimmed the other comments). I also thought that the speaker might be one of the students, at first. “the year that some of you were born” at the very beginning of the poem should make the position of the speaker clear, but it took me a little time to put that together. Not a big deal, and fwiw. “crash” and “squashed” didn’t bother me until Mark brought it up. “damply” and “crash” don’t go all that well together anyway, imo. Again, for me, it’s not such a big deal, but I agree that it’s worth considering alternatives. I like Mark’s “splosh” suggestion. Or, alternatively, just make up a word for the sound. It does seem like a moment to do that in this sort of poem. One last niggle. Wouldn’t “that is why” be better? Maybe it’s just me, but it seems likely that the story is an answer to a student’s question regarding why the teacher doesn’t carry an umbrella. (And I see the long story in response to such a casual, mundane question as part of the charm of the poem.) Or it could be that I’m misunderstanding something (important) here…

I love “Silver Lining Water” and how it’s “famous for its scent of rain,” and that they fold up Mr. Jones and put him in an envelope, among many other moments. Great cloudstuff, Richard. Loved it.

[R. S. Gwynn]

This compares favorably to some early Auden. I think especially of "Miss Gee." Some of the twists of syntax seem especially good in giving the story an element of folklore. This is one of the most original poems I've seen in a while. Very fine work.

[David Callin]

Originally Posted by Richard G

Hi David,
any suggestions as to where to wield the shears?

Nah. Maybe leave it as it is. The length adds to the shaggy doggishness of it.

It might take me a while to recover from seeing it compared favourably to early Auden. But that makes me think I have seriously underestimated it. I'll have to look at it again in that light.

Cheers

David

[Richard G]

Hi Jayne.

What fun this is - but am I really the only person who's noticed "the the" in the very first line?
Indeed you are (no prizes though.) Have changed, thanks.
Although, in terms of proof reading ...

I reminded me of that well-known proof-reading test:

Petard, pot. Kettle, petard? Or am I arriving late to the joke?

how about joining two stanzas together throughout the poem, and leaving the last (19th) one as a kind of stand-alone dénouement? It would have the added advantage of making the poem look a tad shorter, but without shortening it.
I've no objection (but might the eight line stanzas look a tad daunting/dense/off-putting?)

PS - just tried this and realised that having Mrs. Mac in the first stanza gave her an unnecessary prominence (so think I'll pass on this, for now.)

Please don't get rid of Mrs Macklin, I beg you!
No need for such extremes, Mrs. Mac stays.

It made me think of a 'mac' (i.e. mackintosh/raincoat, to go with the rain,
I imagine that's what I was thinking, but I try not to look too closely when coming up with names less they sound too contrived.
is this how you came to include 'Mrs Macklin'?
Actually, she was going to be the one squished, then I changed my mind, but liked the cut of her coat so kept her walk-on (walk-off) part.)

Is "Len" particularly significant in a way I'm not familiar with, other than my first thought, above?
I chose 'Len' (could have been 'Ken') because it's not significant in any way. To me there's something a little boring about the name (wasn't there a notoriously boring Len in some soap years back?) I was tempted by 'World of Llen' but that seemed to mock the language. 'World of Wen', however, never made it to the final.

OK, as you were! )
Well, if you're sure.

make it clearer that it's the adult teacher who's speaking?
I just wonder how 'clear' this needs to be, everyone seems to get there, in the end.
signalled to me it's the N's form room.)
That, and the opening, should be sufficient.

I hope this helps.
It does. Thank you.



Hi James.

I like the mention of the people passing by. I can’t put my finger on it, but this just seems to fit the poem. Maybe it underlines the random nature of life, of bad luck? And it adds to the charm of the poem.
To me they help establish a sense of place.

but it took me a little time to put that together.
I'll cling to that 'little' for now.

One last niggle.
Oh yeah?
Wouldn’t “that is why” be better? Maybe it’s just me, but it seems likely that the story is an answer to a student’s question regarding why the teacher doesn’t carry an umbrella. (And I see the long story in response to such a casual, mundane question as part of the charm of the poem.) Or it could be that I’m misunderstanding something (important) here…
No, I think you've just found an interpretation that I hadn't considered. Brilliant.
For me N is simply suggesting a possible reason for the cloud to have done what it did.

Loved it.
Thank you.



Hi R. S.

This compares favorably to some early Auden. I think especially of "Miss Gee." Some of the twists of syntax seem especially good in giving the story an element of folklore. This is one of the most original poems I've seen in a while. Very fine work.
Some may take exception, apparently, I'll just take the compliment. Thanks very much.



Hi David.

Nah. Maybe leave it as it is.
Well, as long as you're sure.


Thanks all.

RG.

.