[Jan Iwaszkiewicz]

Julie, Yves and Susan

Thank for the pushes and recommendations you have helped greatly as my vision started fogging.

I hope the third revision becomes the final.

Regards

Jan

[Jim Ramsey]

Hi Jan,

While this was always gripping, I find it more accessible and moving now after revision. Thumbs up.

Jim

[Yves S L]

Hello Jan,

I do not think it is worth the loss of the following stanza:

What aspect will the goddess wear
the maiden, mother or the crone
inside the bleakness of despair.
The blind, black eyes of buildings stare.

[Alex Pepple]

Hello, Jan,

I agree with Yves about preserving the transcendental ending. Right now, the final stanza in Revision 3 — “We’ve lost all hope and have to bear / flies humming in a monotone” — while effective, essentially reiterates the prevailing themes of loss and decay already laid out in the previous stanzas. In contrast, your earlier version’s concluding stanza:

What aspect will the goddess wear / the maiden, mother or the crone / inside the bleakness of despair. / The blind, black eyes of buildings stare.

… offers a kind of volta — a mythic elevation that brings a broader lens to the devastation, adding symbolic and even archetypal weight to the poem. It feels like an imaginative leap that expands the emotional scope, rather than merely echoing the literal horror.

Also, I appreciated the progression of tone across the revisions — how you’ve shifted from stark grotesqueries (e.g., "Bodies broken, blood black") toward a more human and introspective mode, as in "Not one hand reaches out in care / as much is said but nothing’s shown.” That movement into the interior space of despair makes the poem feel more lived-in and less like reportage.

Continued good luck with this, Jan — it’s a powerful and resonant piece.

Cheers,
…Alex