[James Brancheau]

John B. and John R.-- I need the "I" observing the woman (ghost). The speaker (narrator) needs to be there to witness the woman appearing and disappearing, etc. As I mentioned to John B., yes, that could be implied, assumed by the reader, but I don't want that to be subtle here. I would also really like to keep "assemble" right from the start. I do really appreciate your thoughts. It makes me reevaluate the choices I've made, etc.

Thanks a bunch, Hilary, for the reassurance. The opening didn't come easy. When I found the close, I found that.

Jim-- Thank you. Yes, it is about my mother. It didn't start out that way, but the whole thing became a kind of metaphor. I don't mind if others see it differently, but it was what drove the poem. Love the picture. I didn't see the ships at first-- which makes me think I'm missing more. It's terrific and I've saved it.

[Trevor Conway]

Hi James,

I like this a lot. There's some great phrases. I found I couldn't get into it when I read it in its current structure of two-line stanzas, so I formed that into a different structure that I found easier to follow. Once I did that, it hit home, and I found it had a nice flow, changes of tone, etc.

I hope you don't mind me providing feedback based on the structure I used to read it. Any bold below is a suggested deletion; suggestion additions are in square brackets.

I hope it helps. Thanks for sharing.

Trevor

I need to assemble a phantom there [Great opening line. It's fantastic]
against grey days like this—a bonnet [anything less familiar than "grey" days?]
borrowed from a cloud, a dress of mist [again, great stuff here; I love it; such fresh language]
a light realized stretching all the way to the ground. [This line feels weaker. Would you consider removing it or replacing it with something fresher?]

There are sighs I steal
from [the] exhales of waves,
a heartbeat taken from a worked up sea. [Maybe "worked-up"? And maybe "...sea, / a myth..."?]
A myth such views
were used by wives to hope, breathe in
returning ships, or maybe their precious
cargo spilled from splitting hulls deep with lives.

But she’s there, I know, if only willed,
real as a [maybe add an adjective here] horizon line, as wind
released from broken boats, from sails
and coats it bellied and blew against. [I quite like bellied, but I'm not sure I follow the meaning. It seems to suggest that the wind bellies against coats. If that's what you attended, I guess it's fine, but somehow, using the present tense would make it fit together better for me: "coats it bellies and blows against"]

On grey days like this, I see her emptied [Again, you can probably do better than "grey"]
tossed, descend to greet the repeating wreck
of waves, the shattered air, its salty kiss,
and disappear again, reassembled by loss.

[David Callin]

Hi James. This one was too subtle for me for a while, but I have kept coming back to it until it's assembled itself for me, in all it's wraithlike charm (which I finally get).

I do feel the need for the comma at the end of L3, as well as after "emptied", and I'm not completely sold on "exhale" as a noun. (Is that, in fact, a thing? It doesn't sit comfortably with me, anyway.)

But it's drawn me in. I like it a lot.

Cheers

David

[James Brancheau]

Hey thanks, Trevor. The poem was originally just a single stanza, but I felt it needed room to breathe. I was determined to break out of my couplet rut, but, once again, it just seemed right for the poem. But I’m glad you brought it up and will give it some more thought. I’m going to keep “horizon line,” in part because it is referring to a ghost and, imo, seems to work well with that. As far as the freshness of the words you pointed out (“grey” and “realized”), it’s not just about how fresh a particular word is, but how and in what context it is used. I address “realized” in my response to David, below. I appreciate the feedback.

Many thanks, David, for your comments and for your keen eye. One reason workshop is so important to me is that it helps me find out what I can, and can’t get away with. You’re right about “exhales of” and have changed that to “exhaling.” And I’ve added that comma after “emptied” that others have also mentioned was necessary.

I think, however, that adding a comma at the end of L3 would change the meaning there. You would then have two separate things, a dress and a light. Not a light that helps to create the dress, that shapes it. That, with the mist, is the dress itself.* I simply omitted “that.” “a dress of mist / that a light realized…” Maybe I can’t get away with such an omission. I originally had “realized by a light” but I prefer “realized” to follow “light.” A small thing, but it seems to go with realization. Without “that,” it is sudden, which I like, but it may not be worth confusing readers. I'm very happy that you liked the poem.



*Note: If readers see the light as simply making the dress of mist apparent, that's ok. It's just how I very specifically see it and it's not essential to understanding that area or the poem.