[Matt Q]

Hi Ashley,

I'm with James in thinking this is well put together, but maybe a little lacking in surprises. They are some great touches here. I like the ABC of stanza 2, for example, and the algebra reference. I like that drives to the school carpark to listen to it.

I wonder if you need the obituary. Knowing he's thinking of her 30 years later is maybe enough. We can wonder why. There are a variety of possible reasons for him to recall her and seek out the tape. As it stands, everything is very clear cut, wrapped up. The poem it makes it very clear what's happening and what his motivation is. There's not that much to wonder about once it ends. Maybe there's some scope for the reader to get more involved in constructing the story?

Here:

you’ve never had morning breath
or stubble on your knees.

I reckon you might need a comma or something after "breath". I read it as "you've never had morning breath [...] on your knees", which kind of implies something (someone else in the bed, maybe?) that I don't think you're after. Though it could just be me that read it that way.


best,

Matt

[Ashley Bowen]

James: Yes! Thank you so much! You've captured what I couldn't quite see for myself what was wrong with this, why I found it unsuccessful. There is no danger to the poem, no risk. Everything is carefully explained from the safety of inaction. What's the point in that? Thank you! Thank you! This gives me something to think about in revision.

Matt: Yes, few surprises, and that's what this needs. I'm glad you, like James, were able to see the poem's greatest deficiency. Much, much appreciated for your read and response.

[Nick McRae]

Originally Posted by Ashley Bowen

James: Yes! Thank you so much! You've captured what I couldn't quite see for myself what was wrong with this, why I found it unsuccessful. There is no danger to the poem, no risk. Everything is carefully explained from the safety of inaction. What's the point in that? Thank you! Thank you! This gives me something to think about in revision.

Matt: Yes, few surprises, and that's what this needs. I'm glad you, like James, were able to see the poem's greatest deficiency. Much, much appreciated for your read and response.

I'm going to throw a small wrench in the discussion by offering a counter to the surprise angle.

I agree that the poem is slightly familiar. But I also don't believe that every poem needs to be blazingly original. If a writer produces an original poem that works and resonates, that's great, but I don't think originality is a requirement of a great poem. At some point, somewhere along the line, someone's going to touch on a theme that's been touched on before, and they're going to write about it in a way that relies on familiar imagery, because that's what the narrative requires.

If everything always has to be original all the time then eventually we're going to get to a point where we're removed from everyday experience and what actually resonates emotionally. The language might be sharp, but does the poem hit.

In my view this poem hits. Once I was in the middle school parking lot with you every romantic interest of my past came rushing back. If I wanted to write a similar narrative your poem is how I'd want to write it. You could inject a few surprises but I wonder if what you've done here is more intuitive and natural. You relayed the narrative, you nailed the rhythm, the emotional punch, and that's it. If it needs to have surprises you might be writing a different poem.

But I do agree with Matt's comment that you could leave a little more mystery in the poem and not spell out the entire story. See what you can subtract to keep the basic idea intact, but let the reader make some inferences and use their imagination. It's an effective parlor trick. If it were me this is what I'd focus on.

[James Midgley]

Hi Ashley,

Just coming back to this to say, maybe even more confusingly, that Nick and I are not really in disagreement here. That is to say, to clarify -- sometimes (ideally) the poem does what the poem wants to do, and that might not involve surprises after all, as much as we may desire them as their readers or writers. Maybe you're a better redrafter than me (quite likely, really) but it might be a tall order to inject striking strangeness into a piece at this stage, and it would likely change it into a very different sort of poem anyhow.

Double-sorry if this muddies the water further.

[John Riley]

I’ve noted the discussion about familiarity. First, let me say I like this. It isn’t revolutionary but isn’t intended to be. I read it as a memory poem about an early crush that’s a little illicit because it is a same sex crush. It works and I expect no more of it. It’s a prime example of “it is what it is” and that works well.

Enjoyed.