[Christine P'legion]

Originally Posted by Roger Slater

Maybe just make it "And that's not bad."

Smart alteration. Thank you.

[Deborah J. Shore]

Hi, Christine,

I like how this poem surprises by celebrating the spent-ness of fall rather than its vivid colors—also “the sky is pure as slate,” which strikes me as droll. “My heart lives here” strikes me as relatable. Pulling in “what’s beyond” is also perfectly suited.

I’m left wondering if there’s a stronger closing rhyme than bad/glad. I do like it as is. And someone whose heart lives in the spent season might well need to remind themselves to be glad even after noticing how much they like that season. I just think I’d just be curious about playing with the effects of other statements if this were mine.

Good to read you!
Deborah

[Christine P'legion]

Hi Deborah, welcome to the board, and thanks for your thoughts. The rhyme choices in the second and third stanzas are something I need to mull over a bit.

[Rick Mullin]

Hi Christine,

This is great! I want to show it to poets I know who believe one simply doesn't write rhymed verse in this day and age.

I like how each stanza begins with the simple premise. And your descriptions are quite beautiful--natural depth of observation and a presentation of the life energy evident in the dying year. The garden description is really good, and the wind's pressing hand against your back... Excellent.

No nits,
Rick

NB, responding to David's concern regarding the rhyme, I would call it quiet rather than basic, but I think that suites tone and the sense of the poem perfectly. I look for connections of meaning in rhymes and I find them in land/hand/sand in the context of the stanza.

[Paula Fernandez]

Hi Christine--
I like this very much. The rhythm of it really sang for me. Several of the descriptions were so vivid. As a Chicagoan I can definitely feel "the wind a pressing hand against my back". Yes. Just so.

The one line that keeps catching me up is "no more alive than sand". Sand feels so completely arbitrary for something not alive, of course, and so this alerts you that it was chosen purely to complete the rhyme. Sorry I have no good suggestions to replace it, but maybe a period after "brown" in the previous line and an altogether different image to complete the stanza?

But, overall, quite lovely.

[Mary Boren]

Hi Christine.

Just chiming in to join the chorus of likes before this one slips off the page. And what's not to like? A message after my own heart, delivered in pluperfect meter with skillfully employed enjambment, punctuation, repetition, and occasional exclamatory short sentences to control momentum. And an innovative interlocking rhyme scheme to boot, or if it's a known form one I don't recall encountering before. I'm sorry I don't have a useful critique, but really don't see how it could be improved. "Not all bad" works fine for me, since fall gets a bad rap for its illusion of bleakness, but the unseen metamorphosis at work below the surface is what energizes me at this time of year. My favorite bit is that vivid opening image of the corners of sky closing around while the season tucks itself in. I'll be coming back to study your technique every chance I get.

Mary

[Christine P'legion]

Hi Mary, I've been busy busy offline and hadn't seen your message — just wanted to say thank you for such a lovely note, and welcome to the board as well!

As far as I know I didn't use a named rhyme scheme; the ABBAAB just felt right for this poem as I was working my way into it.