[Glenn Wright]

Hi, Christine—

Thanks for introducing me to the tritina! I think for my poem, repetition is part of the problem, but I will keep the tritina in my back pocket and try to use it soon.

I really like your other poem, “Neighborhood Watch.” I’m a big fan of narrative poems skillfully told.

Glenn

[Christine P'legion]

Hi Glenn, I think whittling this down to just sixteen lines was a good choice; it's much more concentrated now & so much more effective as well.

Consider a stanza break between Ls 8 and 9, where you shift tenses. It seems to me that the first 8 lines are the N considering what he'll do, and 9ff are the consequences. Separating them on the page a little may help make that clearer.

There's something about the last four lines that feels to me like they're not quite done cooking. I'm sorry that I'm having trouble being more specific than that. They've lost a little oomph compared to that which came before. Maybe if you massaged L15 a bit to connect the idea of "fleeing / myself" with being at the end of the ride/rope/self-deception/whatever. I'm not sure that you need the reference to Anchorage, either. I know that you live in AK but it's not clear whether the N is coming home or that's just the most recent place of his fleeing.

A good revision. It's on its way.

[Glenn Wright]

Wow, Christine! Your suggestions were extremely useful in helping me to see not only the weakest points in the poem, but in pointing me toward specific ways to amend them.
The last four lines were, indeed, diffused and “telly.” I needed to narrow the focus and give the reader some credit for being able to understand the N’s problem and self-analysis without giving a DSM-5 explanation. I also changed all verbs to present tense, which, I think, makes the tone a bit less narrative and more intimate. The division into two stanzas was also astute. I adjusted the rhyme scheme to ABABCBCB DEDEFEFE, and used open, long vowels for the B and E rhymes. I think this unifies each stanza and adds a meditative note. I like the poem much better with your suggested changes. Thanks so much for taking the time and trouble to share your thoughts, and for your tact and encouragement.

Glenn

[Marshall Begel]

I'm late to this party, but like what I see! I had coworker (an ex-punk rocker) who said that once artists start addressing their issues, their work becomes less interesting. Here's to fading away!

With my ear, a read would feel smoother if:

S1L1: Kept "licks" Although I like the new image better, I lose the rhythm at "brushes"
S1L6: How about, "swim ocean waves, or ski the mountain snow,"
S2L3: I also get tripped up at "dangerously"
S2L6: "I'll fool myself.."

[Glenn Wright]

Hi, Marshall—

Thanks for dropping in and welcome to the ‘Sphere.

Originally Posted by Marshall Begel

With my ear, a read would feel smoother if:

S1L1: Kept "licks" Although I like the new image better, I lose the rhythm at "brushes"
I made this change to clarify the image. Not being a cat owner, I’m not an expert on their body language, but my daughter’s cats rub up against humans’ legs to get their attention.

S1L6: How about, "swim ocean waves, or ski the mountain snow,"
I’m not feeling much of a difference here, but I think I’d rather avoid the spondee in the first foot.

S2L3: I also get tripped up at "dangerously"
Good suggestion. I took your advice and made a change here.

S2L6: "I'll fool myself.."
I like “lie” because he’s not really fooling himself—just offering himself a plausible excuse for behavior that he knows is wrong.

I appreciate your helpful suggestions, Marshall. It’s good to know how my poems land with readers. Thanks for the encouragement.

Glenn