[Roger Slater]

Like Mary, I find the on/121 rhyme pair to be a bit weak to end on. If it's a perfect rhyme, then it's an identity, but if it's not perfect (how it sounds to me), it's the first a-rhyme slant in the poem. Coming on the punchline, I would hope for a perfect rhyme. I can't think of anything good, but maybe something like "the tranquil bed/ in which our dreams are spun"?

[Marshall Begel]

Very cute! I love these light-yet-macabre stories.

For meter, I'd use:
S1L6 - "or enter favorite rooms"
S1L7 - "to spread in dark..."
S2L5 - In my accent, "torment" seems inverted. How about "disturb" or "distress"?

Forgive me if these were purposeful substitutions.

[Jan Iwaszkiewicz]

Anyone with three kegs and a tailless cat would be sensitive to the spirit world I’m sure. Enjoyed David. I have partial memories of a childhood punning piece ending 2,2!had 1,2 but like many things dredge as i might it eludes.

Jan

[David Callin]

Apologies for not responding sooner, folks.

Susan, you've got me wondering about "settled". I am hoping that people will forgive the momentary confusion in L8.

Hail Mary! Those are good points, well made. I thank you for them. Would inserting "in" ruin the "one to one" aspect?

Thanks Roger. Is this an accent thing, I wonder? To me, "on" and "one" are a perfect rhyme. Which is very convenient for me, of course. I do know people who pronounce "one" as "wun", but that's not me.

And howdy Marshall. I will have a look at those metrical points. Thank you.

Cheers all

David

[Joe Crocker]

Originally Posted by David Callin

Apologies for not responding sooner, folks.

Thanks Roger. Is this an accent thing, I wonder? To me, "on" and "one" are a perfect rhyme. Which is very convenient for me, of course. I do know people who pronounce "one" as "wun", but that's not me.

It is a perfect rhyme to my ear too. Possibly because we are from the North. And, because "one" starts with a "w", it doesn't sound to me like an identity rhyme either.

[Jim Moonan]

.
I've stepped in not to crit but to say bravo! A good read that should find a good home in publication during this spirit season. In addition to its eerie/amusing dichotomy, it it nicely told, nicely metered and nicely rhymed.

I love the ghost/most/host medley that animates the start of the poem, as well as the rhyming throughout.

You have always chosen your words carefully. When we critters come rushing in to kick the tires and find flaws, we are sometimes too quick to pick on a word and call it into question before giving it careful consideration. Case in point: Glenn singled out "wan" and suggested "dim" instead. But imho "wan" is the perfect word considering the context. The same holds true for the word "on" vs "down" (I think Nemo's thought was to replace "on" with "down".) But there is a hovering quality to "on".

Like Susan, I also stumbled just a bit on:

does not torment the tranquil bed
where settled we sleep on.

I thought maybe commas would help, but that upsets the rhythm. So I don't know. Upon repeated readings I don't stumble.

That ghosts could be inadvertently amusing is a wonderfully liberating diversion from the typical ghost paradigm.

On the Feathers Hotel website under "Events" there's no mention of ghosts — Perfectly understandable! But I did comb the narrative of the history of the building and found a single telltale sign:"By the turn of this century, the years were beginning to tell on the hotel and it was in need of a makeover to fix its creaking plumbing". In my experience, ghosts cause the plumbing to creak — Ha!

.

[Erik Olson]

David,

It's nice to read one of your poems again after so long. I enjoyed this one and made some observations, a few nits.

I appreciate your deft use, not only of meter and rhyme, but of syntax to create suspense and amplification, emphasizing some parts of the sentence by subjugating others. Compare:

spreading a more pervasive gloom in dark interiors.

spreading in dark interiors
a more pervasive gloom.

I think the cheeky joke at the end is enhanced by the surprise afforded when the expectations of the poem’s nature are subverted, when the elevated register gives way to colloquialism and the macabre tropes to a pun. A punchline is less funny anticipated. For this reason, I reckon the first stanza serves a purpose to the poem as a whole.
That be as it may, I still did wish to sense more of a connection between the elements at play in stanza 1 and 2. Without tipping your hand regarding the joke, could you make these two parts seem less like two different poems? What have the ghosts to do with the maid and guests? Food for thought.

About wan in ‘wan corridors,’ I agree with the other reviewer. It sounded off to me for some reason.

I, for my own part, had no hiccup at ‘we're 121.’ The contraction is colloquial, no? When asked—are you guys in room such-and-such?—I swear I can easily hear someone say—‘Nah, we’re 121.’ I only wonder is the leap too big from ‘the tranquil bed’? More food for thought.

Best

[David Callin]

Hi Joe. Yes, I think it is a Northern thing. (Although I might argue that I am also from the West. But not exactly the Northwest, which is a different thing again.)

Jan, sorry, I missed your comment earlier. Glad you enjoyed it. See if you can dredge up that childhood punning piece!

Thanks for that, Jim. It is typically generous of you. I did find the detail of the room numbers online, but perhaps the hotel prefers not to alarm its potential guests. (That creaking plumbing is a dead giveaway. Oh, that is quite a good but totally unintentional pun.)

Hello Erik! Nice to hear from you again. I like your comment on the two stanzas. (Another word for rooms, of course, although that would be stanze) I will have a think about that.

Cheers all

David