[Harry Nicolas]

Crucified, exposed. In frozen throes, a rigor mortis pose.
Judgement glares raise hairs and cause cardiac tears
Dove white cushions opposed by a bough of crows.
Chest pain shoots off, quick as tongue flares.

In the depths of the bog, where evils slog —
Tadpoles danse macabre after first breath
An alligator hides under an enormous log
As the frog too tries to cheat death.

Trapped in a glass prison, thick skin will glisten.
Shame and guilt chains clatter as remorse rains.
A simple decision became thought fission.
Self destructive games require therapy cranes.

Blowing bubble calls — ritual croaking balls.
Irridescent and beautiful as the moon’s crescent.
Each bubble falls and they shake from withdrawals.
Failure an unpleasant Valentine's day present.

Wise from old age at this life stage.
Love and empathy spring far like hind legs.
No longer filled with rage. An amphibious sage
That guards their eggs till their life-span’s dregs.

[Glenn Wright]

Hi, Harry—

After the title and first line, I was sure we were in tenth grade biology class dissecting a freshly pithed frog, heart still beating, but then in S2 I quickly realized we were going to explore the bayous. In S3 the “glass prison” tricked me into thinking we were back in a science lab aquarium, but S4 and 5 puts us back in the bog. Perhaps the “glass prison” refers to the frog’s eggs? If the stanzas were ordered to correspond to the stages of the frog’s life, the poem would go S4, S3, S2, S1, S5. I enjoyed the often surprising word choices, although some seemed rhyme-driven. Maybe the disjointed stanzas and ambiguity of setting was meant to contribute to the anxiety of the title.

The poem is a celebration of the amphibian, but more, it is a celebration of rhyme—end rhyme, slant rhyme, internal rhyme—like a rap performance.

I had to feel my way through several passages. I wasn’t sure what to make of “thought fission.” The “therapy cranes” made me think of the origami cranes that are folded by legions of schoolchildren to promote world peace, but I couldn’t see the relevance of that to anything in your poem. I supposed that the bubbles and iridescent balls referred to eggs and that the process of fertilization was the Valentine’s Day present that failure made unpleasant, but I am not at all confident about that reading.

My overall impression (guided mainly by the title) is that the fragility and vulnerability of the frog in each stage of its life makes it an emblem of existential anxiety.

Fun to read! Hope some of this helps you figure out how the piece is landing, at least with me.

Glenn

[Harry Nicolas]

Hey, Glenn, thank you for the feedback. I appreciate it. As for the disjointed stanzas. I was thinking about re-ordering them but the disjointment wasn’t intentional. I will think about the order more, thanks for highlighting that. I think yes this was very influenced by the internal rhymes of rap lyrics.

As for these lines -
“A simple decision became thought fission.
Self destructive games require therapy cranes.”
In my head I was thinking of self destructive behaviour that anxiety can cause. With anxiety comes rumination, and in my head “thought fission” referenced splitting an atom and nuclear fission, which leads to a lot of destruction with an ensuing atomic explosion. I do like your interpretation of the cranes, I was aware of the multiple definitions of crane and I think that line can go a couple ways. In my head “Therapy cranes” refers to therapy needing to have cranes to repair the damage that was caused by self destructive behaviors, but having a hobby of making origami and paper cranes can also be therapeutic and that also works well.

I liked your interpretation of the piece overall and it was what I was going for.

Thanks,
Harry

[Joe Crocker]

Originally Posted by Harry Nicolas

In my head “Therapy cranes” refers to therapy needing to have cranes to repair the damage that was caused by self destructive behaviors,

Or as They Might Be Giants sang
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mbIxIdM_0ho

[Harry Nicolas]

Hey Joe, yeah that is a similar metaphor, nice song too. Thank you for sharing that song!

[James Brancheau]

Hi Harry—Partly because you have so many undeveloped abstractions/general terms thrown around here like shame, guilt, love, empathy, failure, I find it hard to get a grip on this. Also, some words seem to be chosen solely based on rhyme and, in my view, rather haphazardly steer the poem in different directions. Sound is great—I can’t, it seems, work without it, but there needs to be more reason with the rhyme. (In the process of writing, sound helps me to find things that I wouldn’t have otherwise thought of—moments that surprise. It is a tool that can open doors, but not every, or any door.) So, obviously, my suggestion is that you should try to find more focus for this poem. Perhaps a particular scene that you can build on, jump off from. Like Glenn, the beginning of this poem made me think of the dissection of a frog in class. (I believe I had to do that in high school… does everyone have to do that??) I would actually love that idea here… But that’s just an example.

But I may not have commented on this if I didn’t find much to like. Below are the parts that resonated the most with me—what I would focus on if I were to attempt to write this out.

Crucified, exposed, a rigor mortis pose. (love this as an opening)
Trapped in a glass prison, thick skin will glisten. (“prison” isn’t fresh, but could perhaps work with it, and it goes with the above)
Self destructive games require therapy cranes. (interesting, though I don’t like “games”)
Each bubble falls and they shake from withdrawals. (interesting, and the image works)
Wise from old age at this life stage. (maybe)
Love and empathy spring far like hind legs. (for sure, could work as a close/penultimate line)

Just my opinion, of course, for what it’s worth. Good luck with it.

[Harry Nicolas]

Hey James, I appreciate the feedback. That does seem like the consensus, the rhyming is forced and there is just too much going on. I will look into that for the next draft.

Thanks,
Harry

[John Riley]

Harry, I suggest finding a less abstract way to write the poem. What does a "judgment glare" look like? What is the evil in the slog? I try to remind myself that words are cheap, but good imagery is invaluable. The idea of anxiety being a frog is good. Focus on the frog.

Hope this helps.

[Harry Nicolas]

Hey John, thanks for the feedback. Yes I agree I think I have to make it less abstract, more concise and centered around the frog instead of throwing too much at the reader.

[Harry Nicolas]

accidental comment