[Jan Iwaszkiewicz]

Three Crows

There are three crows upon the fence
perched wing to wing. I’m pauper’s pence
with no one being near to me
just those three crows upon the fence.

I once had friends but they are gone
I once had love but love left me.
I once had faith but now I kneel
before a blank eternity.

Three crows in murder on the fence,
one for heaven and one for hell,
they cackle at me constantly.
The third sits silent watching well.

[Alex Pepple]

Hello, Jan,

This is evocatively melancholic. And it's not clear what brought about the speaker's misfortunes and isolation. Could the three crows in the first stanza correspond to the losses in the second--of friends, love, and faith? That's a possibility but it's not certain. This is especially so because they're yet given different roles in the closing quatrain (“heaven,” “hell,” and the silent watcher). If you’d like the birds to embody those earlier losses, a nudge of linkage (even a hinting adjective: faithless crow, lover-black crow, etc.) could tighten the symbolic net. Conversely, if you prefer the ambiguity, you might drop a line that acknowledges the speaker’s uncertainty—letting the reader feel it’s unresolved on purpose.

Furthermore, one or two concrete details of place (cold field? derelict back-lot?) would let the reader stand beside the speaker before that “blank eternity” opens.

On the wording--

• "with no one being near to me" sounds somewhat off, and is not quite precise (even if it's clarified in the next line)... It might be better with 'real' or something along those lines instead of 'one'--which also improves the fluidity of the phrase.
       
• I'm not fond of the twice repeated 'sit[s]' in S3. The second is understood from the earlier detail, and to fill the meter, it could be better as 'keeps', etc. Also, that last sentence reads a bit awkwardly, and could be improved somewhat with a comma after 'silent'.

Good luck with this, Jan! I hope something here helps with honing this already intriguing piece.

Cheers,
...Alex

[Joe Crocker]

Hi Jan,

I think I'm with Alex on several of his crits, especially linking the S3 crows to the things the N has lost in S2. How about

Three crows are perched upon the fence
Love and friendship, tied to hell,
cackle at me constantly.
Faith sits silent, watching well.

Just a thought

Joe

[Susan McLean]

This poem reminds me of the Scottish ballad "Twa Corbies."
https://www.scottishpoetrylibrary.or...e-twa-corbies/

You have the same theme of abandonment and death, linked to crows. I assume that the two who cackle of heaven and hell are reminders of religion, and its promises about the afterlife. Your third crow is a mystery, but I think it is linked to "blank eternity" and therefore suggests nothingness after death. I like that you make the reader think rather than just labeling what it means. "Pauper's pence" signaled that we are going back in time stylistically, though not actually. I like the mood of melancholy resignation.

Susan

[Jan Iwaszkiewicz]

I have been fascinated by corvids all my life. They have a mythic symbiosis with humanity. Though once white they were scorched black by Apollo because he did not like the message they brought (shooting the messenger goes back a long way), omens, harbingers of doom, psychopomps as I have them here, Odin’s Though and Memory, protectors of Bran’s head on Tower Hill, through to Poe’s late night raven quothing ‘Nevermore’. I had a pet Jackdaw as a child that followed me everywhere.

Hi Alex

The language is purposeful I strained for the tone. Happily Susan got it. I was not sure how it would travel. I am wanting the reader to unpack. Changing the title to ’Agnostic Angst’, which I will do, may alleviate some of your concern. The repetition of ‘sit’ I will change.

Hi Joe,

See my response to Alex above.

I may steel some of your offering for a future piece it has triggered thought.

Hi Susan,

Yes you have it, that is exactly the tenor I was aiming for. Anonymous has penned many good ones but that is one of the best.

Chase up Twa Corbies as sung by the Scottish Duo ‘The Corrie’s’ they use medieval instruments and their rendition is haunting and even a little threatening. It is on YouTube. If you like Folk I am sure you’ll love them as I do.

My thanks and regards to you all.

Jan

[Hilary Biehl]

I really like this, Jan, and not only because I am excessively fond of crows and their kin. Please keep the title as is; "Three Crows" seems perfect to me.

[Jan Iwaszkiewicz]

Thanks Hilary,

Yes Agnostic Angst is a wee bit too directive but I was pleased in the coining and have used it as a kernel elsewhere.

Glad you liked it, regards,

Jan