[Glenn Wright]

Originally Posted by Alex Pepple

Good question, Glenn. And ask yourself, though, if blood only surges from cuts.

Hi, Alex—

Blood can surge through one’s veins when one is excited, but I took “froth” to refer to the foam on the surface of the white-capped sea. Thus, when you mix “froth and blood,” they both need to be in the ocean. That’s why the bird or the suicide readings are more supported for me. Maybe if the blood was not mixed with froth and if it could “pulse” instead of “surge,” I would arrive at the intended image.

Glenn

[Alex Pepple]

Good comeback, Glenn! But external and internal blood surge don't have to be mutually exclusive. And the poem doesn't need to go into minutiae of explications if there are enough pointers provided to arrive at a logical deduction.

[Michael Cantor]

Alex - five people commented on this poem before you explained what you were up to, and not one was close to the intended meaning. That is not a good sign. (And keep in mind that this is a workshop, where the reader will spend more time on the poem than is normal.) Combine that with the dreadfully overwritten language, and the stretch to make the poem one long sentence, and this one is simply not working. Keep the concept of the cliff diver, make it clear enough so that the reader knows what you're talking about, and get rid of most of the overwritten language and rhyme-forced lines like "as clear zeal blooms in light ordained".

I like the concept of the poem as a single sentence - it works with the image of the diver working his way up the cliff and then launching himself (or herself, I guess - I was in Acapulco in the 60's and it was strictly a guy thing back when) - but it demands much clearer and simpler language.

[Alex Pepple]

Thanks for weighing in, Michael. And yes, I do realize the problem of meaning eluding readers. So, I'll keep looking into improving it further.

Cheers,
...Alex

[Alex Pepple]

New version now up. Thanks you all for your comments! --Alex

[Glenn Wright]

Hi, Alex—

I like the revision. It is much clearer and the subject (a cliff diver) is presented more clearly.

Glenn

[Alex Pepple]

Hi Glenn, thanks for coming back to this. And great to have your thumbs-up!--Alex

[Chelsea McClellan]

Hi Alex,

Just one thought:

I have no problems with elevated language IF I know where I am to begin. You can leave the poem as is, and it may make sense to some, but if you have a desire to include those of us with a slightly less developed vocabulary in your readership, it would be extremely helpful to just state somewhere early on, perhaps in the title, that we're talking about cliff diving. Understanding that context, I like the poem. Without it, I'm still too lost. The title is really interesting, but is itself something of a riddle, and if you retain the baptism at the end of the poem, I personally think you could replace the title with an even clearer one and the poem still retain enough significance of the baptism.

Take care,
Chelsea

[Alex Pepple]

Hello, Chelsea,

First, lovely to meet you, and a belated welcome to Eratosphere!

Thank you for looking in and for your insight and suggestions. They do have merit and I'll keep them in mind as I keep revising this toward a (near-)final version.

Cheers,
...Alex

[Chelsea McClellan]

Alex,

Thank you for the welcome!

Take care,
Chelsea

Originally Posted by Alex Pepple

Hello, Chelsea,

First, lovely to meet you, and a belated welcome to Eratosphere!